running home drunk at 2am

last book i've read: Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse
currently caressing my ears: pandora.com
general mood: surrounded by love, but lonely at work
quote: “In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged.” --Hans Nouwens

Did I ever tell you how much I love you? And how great life is when I share it with you?

This place I dwell in is the warmest I've been. I see everything more clearly, stars align, hope and dreams are fulfilled, and futures shine bright. I know what I want, and I know which way to go to get it. I sleep better, I walk more carefully, I laugh more often, cry less, find joy in the smallest thing, wear blue laces to match my mood, and take care of myself just a little better.

I'm talking to you as you're drunk and spinning, wishing my arms were around you. And soon they will be.

My wildest dreams have come true, and beyond. And I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna let you wrap your arms around me too. And never let go.

upon review

last book i've read: The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz
currently caressing my ears: the soft purr of a fan
general mood: dreamer's fantasyland, fabulously in love
quote: "Like the voice of a heavenly choir, love's sweet music
flows on." -- Bambi

and....

Nunc Scio Quit Sit Amor --Virgil (latin, now I know what love is)

I just went over 5 years worth of blogging posts, focusing on the last year. It's been the most bipolar of my life, but I learned so much from all the pain. It was so filled with love as well. I've learned how to love without expecting it in return. I've also so joyfully learned what true love is. The kind that sticks with you, leaves you in heaven, allows you freedom and joy, doesn't pull or push you down, but only seeks to lift you up. The kind that is free and unconditional and supportive and not bipolar and gentle and kind ( always kind!) and respectful and sweet. I can't believe how lucky I am.

I never tire of dreaming of Tony. Our conversations are so deep and wonderful, we touch every base and always with such brutal honesty. Our time together is so blessed and creative and supportive, I miss him when I'm not near him. But we bridge the gap easily and without any stress. We comfort one another, build each other up, reveal our souls, and touch each other physically, emotionally, and spiritually all the time. His eyes reveal so much love and care to me. Tony makes me smile, while he smiles til his cheeks hurt. I savor every moment with him, and the love we create doesn't compare to anything I've had before. He brings something so new and amazing and refreshing to the table that I can't even fathom how much I was settling before. We are on another plane of understanding. We speak the same language, we adore the other so endlessly, and I cannot help but glow.

I've never found someone to just play with. Someone who loves as much as I do, and who eminates that love throughout. Now, we play together. And nothing will ruin our fun.

i am through you so i (falling slowly)

last book i've read: Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse
currently caressing my ears: anything with a good, strong beat. Besides the 134-song playlist for Tony.
general mood: deliriously happy
quote: "we are so both and oneful; night cannot be so sky, sky cannot be so sunful; i am through you so i"
--ee cummings

Again. This time, though, unlike any other, I find that this one fits. Perfectly. And even though he may not be perfect (of which I have yet to discover), he's perfect to me. And probably for me.

These puzzles pieces truly fit. And I am in awe. I can't stop smiling, I can't stop thinking of new things to share, I can't stop. He invades every moment of my life, bringing something I've never felt before. And I won't let this one get away, I'm gonna do everything I can to do this one right.

I've never felt so full before. So full of love.

the quarter moon does funny things

i like you.
i like when you twitch after falling asleep
i like the way you smell.
i like when you wear you hat, and what that implies.
i like your face turned towards mine
i like your slow movements
i like you, sure or unsure, awkward, rusty, dorky
i like you smiling or squinting
i like what my body does around you.
i like your dark hair, dark eyes
i like your hands in my hair, breath on my neck
i like you, smoking or not, reserved or not, procrastinating or not
i like your gaze upon my face, your sweet gentle kisses, and the butterflies that travel from my stomach down my leg to my toes.
i like the way you savor every moment, makes me slow down too.
i like the self-control i have around you,
and when you say fuck it
and kiss me hard
and pull me closer
i like it all. i like you.

missing you's the hardest thing to do

last book i've read: rereading Ruiz's The Mastery of Love for only like the fifth time in a year
currently caressing my ears: a playlist of sad songs I made this morning - missing you's the hardest thing to do
general mood: nostalgic, content
quote: "Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart." --Washington Irving

I am surrounded by love. This last week I dipped into a depression I haven't felt in years. I felt low, small, useless, and mostly loveless. That my love was all wrong and hurt and that I only wanted to make things feel good again. It included being haunted by love past. I felt like I could never do anything right, and like I kept screwing up the most important parts of my life. On top of that, work was kicking my butt, I was away from my newest crush after leaving the east coast, and I kept dreaming of things, people, and places far away from where I live now. I was thick in nostalgia.

But I've let it go again. Let go of the feeling like I'm screwing up, and just realizing that it is what it is. Rereading Ruiz is always a good life choice, and the people I surround myself with continually give me a firm foundation to fall back on, a shoulder to cry on, and a kind word to build my poor low soul.

I reconnected with Andy post-tour, he reminds me of why I became healthier and also of how sensual I am; not sexual, but truly how I rely on my senses to guide me. I've spent more time with Tony, who derives as much pleasure from music as I do, who I have an unnatural spiritual connection with, someone I find ease being around and talking to. We're peas in a pod. :) He goes to watch Jazz Orgy with me, and we chat about anything and everything. I love finding kindred spirits.

On an observatory side note, why is that everywhere I go, I find someone I want to share my soul with? Not just ordinary men, but men I am so very intrigued by. I am glad to spread my warmth, sharing's always been my thing.

the littlest birds sing the prettiest songs

last book i've read: The Girl with the Flammable Skirt by Aimee Bender and Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
currently caressing my ears: Pandora.com, the editors radio
general mood: delighted, loved
quote: “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” --Washington Irving

I'll condense the last few months. Andy and I still hang out; I love my friends; I moved into a new place with Kristina, one of my favorites; I have fallen in love twice, fallen out once; and am looking forward to meeting my baby niece Olivia Paige, introduced to this world August 31st. Just another virgo to add to my list of awesome virgos in my life!

In a few days I am road trippin' with my friend Pete. He is one of those phenomenal forces in my life, I don't think he even knows. He just makes me smile and carries me through my worst days. I am such a sucker, but we all kinda knew that....

Kristina is another one of those phenomenal forces in my life. Same thing, carries me through my worst only to shine bright and make me laugh. I moved in with her when things with Wolga didn't work according to plan. As in, the family failed to inform me how deep in demential Wolga was, and thus I would have been taking on another full-time job. Not my cup of tea. Good thing is K needed a roommate, and I was facing homelessness soon if I didn't find somewhere to live. K took me in, and along with Phil, we make a nice little family. Quiet, homebodies, loners at times, but quirky us all the same. K's 21st was some of the most fun I've had in a while. Since then, I've been rollercoastin', but it's been fun for the most part. Just figuring life out, letting it handle me, then taking back the night, taking it all back.

I am currently trying to cleanse, but failing miserably while at work, due to the fact that there is chocolate available for the taking for staff. And my self-control can only handle so much before I give in. To exactly three fun size bags of m&ms and four mini snickers bars. So much for cleaning my body from toxins, so much for discipline!

I've also met some pretty great people in the last few days. I went to New Moon to study flying stuffs and there was a man named Eric Nassau from Ohio just playing guitar and doing his thing. I enjoyed the tunes, not to mention the other cool people I met: Samuel, Jodie, and Tony. New souls to learn from.

And that's the jist of life. I am learning, always learning from others around me. I don't claim to know it all, but my experiences have left me with renewed curiosity in others, and faith that the human spirit is resilient.

bpm

last book i've read: rereading the mastery of love by ruiz
currently caressing my ears: hip hop to blast
general mood: fascination mixed with deep melancholy
quote: “The fascination of what's difficult has dried the sap out of my veins, and rent spontaneous joy and natural content out of my heart.” --William Butler Yeats

Beats per minute (BPM) is a unit typically used as either a measure of tempo in music, or a measure of one's heart rate. A rate of 60 bpm means that one beat will occur every second. One bpm is equal to 1 Hz.

The last 10 months of my life have been the most bipolar I've ever been. And now, without Andy, I hope that ends. I'm used to constant stability, comfort, and consistency with smart suggestions. I just needed to get off the rollercoaster in my mind. Done.

My inner battles consist of learning to be alone, though I've successfully done that before. It's just the demons in my mind telling me how sad I am, when really this is so good for me. He'll be all right, and eventually so will I. Just wish that time was sooner than later. I'm learning patience as well.

One of these days I'll learn to meditate properly!

life's promotion

last book i've read: water for elephants by sara gruen
currently caressing my ears: bloc party and beck's new album modern guilt
general mood: luminous
quote: "Kiss me before it all gets complicated." --bloc party, plans

When I first started with LSS, I thought that position was the most challenging there was: float relief. No set hours, no home program, just filling in hours for other programs. I thought those people were crazy and how could they plan anything?

Until I actually did float relief for a month. Picked up shifts from all over Winnebago county to see where I wanted to work full-time. Picked a program, applied for PMs, and it all worked out. Until I got the itch to move up to float relief, especially after one of my favorite program managers suggested I do that. A little better pay, interesting hours and people to meet, and for me, a sense of accomplishment. I'm doing what I thought I couldn't handle.

So, that's my personal "promotion". I applied for a somewhat more challenging position in my line of work. I'm happy I got it, and that's not the only thing working out for me these days.

I'm also going to try my hand at being a live-in with minimal hands-on care for an 88-year-old lady who lives south of Oshkosh. In exchange for her four daughters collective peace of mind, I get free rent, negotiable utilities, a garage for my car (finally!!), an upper all to myself, and 4 acres to roam. I was just offered that place yesterday. I'm really looking forward to all the cool people I'm going to meet.

Gotta love when the puzzle pieces fit into place.

the definition of disdain

last book i've read: the 10 point list I made for tomorrow's life adventures
currently caressing my ears: my created editors station on pandora.com (currently silversun pickup's lazy eye)
general mood: I was frustrated, disappointed, feeling ugly
quote: "Give me more love or more disdain; the torrid or the frozen zone." --Thomas Carew

n. the feeling that someone or something is unworthy of one's consideration or respect; contempt.
v. consider to be unworthy of one's consideration; refuse or reject out of feelings of pride or superiority.

Now I know, and sure that can't feel good. I guess it's a tad strong. But true? I'm a very sad girl I guess. And your funk magnified my loneliness and insecurities. I wish we spoke the same language, we are on different planes, different levels of existence sometimes. I'm ready to fly away now.

deal with it.

last book i've read: a bible tract handed to my friend while at Live at Lunch on main st. green
currently caressing my ears: pandora.com's alternative/indie rock station (currently she wants revenge's song these things)
general mood: exact, pedantic, disorderly
quote: "One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries." --A. A. Milne

I kinda do want revenge, funny. Except I'm not supposed to want that, I'm supposed to be love and light to all. Right now I'm wind and fire, and together it's spreading, spreading slowly over my psyche, makes me feel vexed and alone. It's okay.

Lovers hold hands to hide the pain.

I enjoy adventures. I plan on taking one in the near future. He's jealous because he doesn't have money to come. And I don't have money either, but I'm frugal. I don't buy drinks everywhere I go, I can lean on my friends for places to stay, and I'm not worried about where it's coming from. I work my butt off to be where I'm financially at.

She says I'm a bad man, I've got nothing to say.

I really wish that not saying your sorry didn't mean you admit to your discretion. I also wish that there was more honesty surrounding me right now. I've created it, but it's not being returned. I leave myself open, you shut down. Eh, I'll deal with it. I have before, I'll be fine.

i could really use a million dollars

last book i've read: flight stuffs
currently caressing my ears: andy's 6.3.08 playlist
general mood: lonely lonely that is you. lonely lonely that is me.
quote: i think people can be perfect when they do not think about it. --matt pond PA

Earlier this month, after my insecurities bubbled over into a nasty, flat frustration for the both of us, Andy and I started to work on our friendship. That started June 3rd. It included putting energy into helping ourselves outside our romantic relationship and friendship, into our financial and social spheres as well. I haven't been making quite the effort I need to in the other spheres of life, but since working on our friendship, harmony is assuredly in my relationship with Andy. I realized the beauty of it all, the perfection, without my messing it up constantly. I realized how honored I am to have him so close in my life, how much he means to me. I realized how much I really loved him.

It was an epiphany moment, to be sure. Just after watching p.s. i love you. It seems silly to earmark those moments, especially when preceded by something simple as a movie. But, it hit me hard. And it's also the moment I realized I would be absolutely happy spending the rest of my life beside him.

I had no idea it felt so good. And felt so perfect. It only took me a year to realize that. (I mean that with a touch of sarcasm.... I make myself angry thinking about how much I've hindered that from happening sooner. but there's beauty in that too....)

the trouble with thinking too much

last book i've read: my bust magazine
currently caressing my ears: hip hop to blast playlist
general mood: meh
quote: "Is it ignorance or apathy? Hey, I don't know and I don't care." --Jimmy Buffett

I wish I could stop attracting selfish people. I'm happy to listen. More than happy, it's what I do. I just would like someone to listen back. And give a little. Which, of course, only makes me miss the people that I used to have near me so much more. Maybe I'll just reminisce some more.

the night is thick with nostalgia

I miss the people that used to be close to me. At least I'll have these awesome memories.

Autumn shifts at Edgewood. Researching and theorizing about hip-hop lyrics for queer theory. Dinners at FD's, Koreana, and Good Company. Pseudo-graduating with all my good friends. Working with babies! Wub. The exact moment and context from which the crazy eye-cutout fish hat came from. Skiing and tubing in the UP. Euphemisms for vagina party in big exec! 7th floor Kohler boys. Freestyle walking as an olympic sport. Sexy women in the workplace. Almost stepping on a "pile" of baby bunnies.

And there's a ridiculous amount more.

artsy fartsy

last book i've read: the description on the back of Maya's wheatgrass kitty treats. she loves them.
currently caressing my ears: onelinedrawing
general mood: unfortunate
quote:"The waves of desire in the world-ocean are intoxicating wine." --Sri Guru Granth Sahib

How about excerpts that will attempt to capture what I feel. Since words don't feel fitting right now.
*your hips, your hips are like seashells, and i can hear the ocean when i listen.
*I wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend
I know it wouldn’t come to love, my heroine pretend
A lady stepping from the songs we love until this day
You’d settle for an epitaph like “Walk Away, Renee”
The sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like
a flower
Meet you at the statue in an hour
*You must have fallen from the sky,
You must have shattered on the wrong way.
You brought so many to the light,
And now you're by yourself.
*Walking on moonbeams
And staring out to sea
*Many miles from where I’m sleeping
You share laughter in the evening
As do I, in the great divine
Yours is mine
We’ll find love
The kind we’re dreaming of
*Where do you go when the night winds away
Ask me so sweetly
What do I do
Who do I sing for
Well honey I sing about you
*I'd be crazy not to follow
Follow where you lead
Your eyes
They turn me
*And it's early June, so the sand's still dry,
and you have got the boldest eyes,
and I can't help but think it's right,
that inside you it's me I'll find.
And I'm still waiting.
*Love, let me sleep tonight
On your couch
And remember the smell
And the fabric
Of your simple city dress
*Theres something about the way you move
I see your mouth in slow motion when you sing
More subtle than something someone contrives
Your movements echo that I have seen the real thing

hold me close in the hallway

I had the most amazing weekend. My college girlfriends reminded me why I need them so much closer in my life. They know me better than I know myself sometimes. They let me just do it up they way we've done, and they allowed me to feel loved without judgment, not the kind that plagues me as of late. Good thing unconditional love still abounds in near corners of my world. And also, there was the fire-eyed boy who needs to let the world go and go with the present, as he acknowledged. Simply, old crushes die hard.

I enjoy sharing so much more than I ever realized. But only with those worthy of the trust. It's not fun to get trampled on, and I embrace those that rock my world. Rock on boys and girls.

having the sniffles

last book i've read: federal aviation regulations
currently caressing my ears: Beck, Guero and Odelay. Yummy.
general mood: sneezy
quote: "I used to wake up at 4 AM and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness." --James Thurber

I have a cat allergy. I had no idea how pronounced it was until now that I've had a cat in my home for almost a month. I thought I could overcome my seemingly mild allergy, but it seems I was sorely mistaken. It has only gotten worse over time, and the last few days before and after Bloomington have made it unbearable. I am afraid that the truth reveals itself: time to get rid of the cat so I can lead a normal life again. Oh, how harsh, but I already have a potential taker. That said, the sad truth reveals itself again: I am not meant to have cats in my life for any extended period of time ever. Unless some radical combination of immunotherapy, HEPA air filters, and good cat hygiene would work and are ever in my future. Which I unfortunately don't forsee. And certainly not now when I can't afford much. So much for my dream of having a cat as a pet. At least I tried.

mmmm

Sometimes organic mint oreos make everything better.

do you know....

....what hurts more than anything in the whole world?

The truth.

one day at a time

last book i've read: something lying around Rachel and Josh's house
currently caressing my ears: their humming computer
general mood: very jovial
quote: "We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves." --Buddha

And I wish I didn't have to leave. I have adored my weekend getaway to Bloomington, IN. I was welcomed into my friends' Rachel and Josh's home and had the most amazing time walking the streets of Bloomington, eating delicious food, running into their fantastic friends, and just basking in one another's company. I saw where Josh proposed, I admire the house and home they've created together, and their love is abundant. Plus this town just friggin rocks. Quite literally, we saw Feist at the UI auditorium and it's plain to see this town has a bustling music scene. I'm hoping I can bring Andy with me in the future.

Rachel reminded me of things I'd known but ignored and forgotten: that I just need to relax and take things one day at a time. I'm hoping I can truly practice that soon, since lately I get so wrapped up in thoughts about the future and what's to come, and my past which I feel I've messed up, hoping I can make things right again. It's okay not to have all the answers, they will reveal themselves. It's okay to have questions, it will all work out. I just gotta stop letting my youthful indecision wrack my brains and mess up my life.

Oh life!

your watermelon heart

last book i've read: federal aviation regulations
currently caressing my ears: ticking clocks
general mood: curious
quote: "Each indecision brings its own delays and days are lost lamenting over lost days... What you can do or think you can do, begin it. For boldness has magic, power, and genius in it." --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I am twenty-three years old, and I am at the pinnacle of indecision. Sure, I'm not as messed up as others, thank god for that. But I am no less sure of my hurried steps, my ups and my downs, or my future than any other young'un I know. I know what I want for a career, and nothing but finances will stop me. But my heart is an entirely different matter. And my patience is thin, and I can't seem to shake neither the urge to be single nor the desire to start the rest of my life with the one I love. Too bad the one I love is TBA. My ocean just keeps waving, and you just keep floating by.

On lighter notes, my cat is incredibly adorable all the time. She greets me at my door, purrs until I show her copious amounts of attention, meows for treats, headbutts me whenever she can, has claimed my puffy red blanket as her own, insists on following me everywhere, and just seems to love me more than I'll ever know. Despite my suffering sinuses, I adore my little Maya. I knew I would, and it was only a matter of time before I acquired such a creature. Makes me smiley. :)

I recently had dinner with my parents and my flight instructor and his wife. My dad got to ask all his questions, but my parents also got to fully appreciate the care and dedication I've put into my training, as well as Steve has. My dad told me tonight that Steve wants nothing more than to see me succeed, and that's very true. All of us want nothing more than to see me make this career happen, and I'm not settling for less. Steve certainly is like a father figure to me, and I will never forget the Davis' kindness. I am forever appreciative, and my career will only have been possible because of their gift. I wouldn't be who I am without them.

Just more paths in life to be thankful to have been lead down. I think the universe is telling me this it's all good. And I gratefully agree.

taking the crunchy with the smooth

last book i've read: why I bother I don't know.
currently caressing my ears: a purring kitty
general mood: patient
quote: "If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear. --Winnie the Pooh

You know, I was sure the universe was being clear, and I was faithfully following. I know I've made correct, feelgood decisions in my life. But truly it doesn't always feel like it. I can't seem to let go of the good stuff, why should I? Black holes and revelations don't mean it's over. It's just that my heart is in a headlock. And my faint, wild hope remains.

Always there will be love.

And, the story of my life:
It was just like being on a fast ride at the funfair
The sort you wanna get off because it’s scary
And then as soon as you’re off
You wanna get straight back on again

gems

last book i've read: I'd like to begin Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. Any day now....
currently caressing my ears: million dollar mix
general mood: indecisive
quote: "Indecision is the graveyard of good intentions." --Unknown

I believe I work with one of the most selfless caregivers in this world. She goes out of her way to accommodate the ladies we work with, and her own history reveals the motives behind her desire to give. Her daughter had a daughter with a developmental disability, and despite everything, they did their best to make her life as normal as possible. When she died at the young age of 17, my coworker decided that she wanted to help more like her granddaughter, and thus landed a job with LSS. It's rare to find other direct care workers that have less genuine reasons for doing the work they do. Most of us need the money, like the work, but do no see ourselves doing this for the rest of our lives. Others claim they're in a rut and are looking for something better to come along. But then you find that one worker that has their heart totally in it, and after observing their work ethic, motives, and joy, one cannot help but feed off the positive energy.

On another note, I continually get drunk dials from one of my brother's former Marine buddies. Former because this friend is no longer in the Marines; he got out. The stories he tells me when drunk intrigue and entertain me. For example, Pete went to Iraq with my brother last year for eight months. During those eight months, my brother wrote home saying his roommate did not receive anything from his family back home and that a friendly letter would be a great thing for Pete. My parents one-upped his request: they put together a package of goodies for Pete. They also made one for Michael, which included family photos, which included a photo of me from a family vacation. Pete got ahold of the photo, and I went up on his wall where they lived. I guess he really liked the photo, and his girlfriend had broken up with him before he left for Iraq, so I gave him some hope, glad to help! Apparently there was a time of scandal when someone stole the picture as a joke, and Pete hunted it down and returned it to its place on his wall. Oh the chivalry.

More on fascinating people in life later....

dropping tears into oceans

last book i've read: I'd like to begin Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. Any day now....
currently caressing my ears: a basketball game
general mood: relaxed, contemplative
quote: "Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." --Edna St Vincent Millay
and
"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." --Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld, translated from French

I adopted the kitten I discussed previously, changing her name to Maya. I've always loved the name, and my parent's cat had that name until it was discovered that he was a boy. Then he became Simba. We're not very creative, but we're not out to impress. Besides, I love my cat. She's a headbutter. She'll headbutt you when you're not watching, and then purr up a storm next to you. Lovely moments in life.

I love the local live music scene here in Oshkosh. I just discovered the Reptile Lounge or whatever it's called on High St. And I got to see the Southside Stranglers. Pretty rockin' stuff, right up my alley. I also had the pleasure of meeting some pretty rockin' folk, which I always enjoy. Gay roommates, boys with emo glasses, and chilled hometowners are always my faves.

The full moon has lead me to spill my guts, and for now, that's okay. Hope my insides are pretty to someone, just one.

what goes around

It's strange to be on the other side of the tarnished coin. I used to discover Christian music because I was Christian, then hear it on the radio and think it was cool because they were singing about god. Now, I discover music, think it's great, then realize it's Christian based on lyrics. And it makes my stomach turn, but I like it nonetheless.

The bottom line is I think I used to be cool. Now I just float.

happy mediums

last book i've read: I'd like to begin Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. Any day now....

currently caressing my ears: Mutemath's song Chaos

general mood: tranquil, sanguine
quote: "To me every hour of the day and night is an unspeakably perfect miracle." --Walter Chrysler

Today I had the fortune of visiting the kitty I hope to adopt, if all goes well. Her name is Monique, a 9-month-old tortie that's an adorable love bug, the kind of personality I adore. I am thrilled to think I might have a companion to live with in the coming weeks. I already gave the humane society my application to process, and after they call my references and landlord, I will hopefully be on my way to having a new pet. It's just the thing I need, a purr box to cuddle and grow old with. And she is terribly adorable. Simply, I can't wait.

On the flying side of things, I now have at least one hour of solo time (yeah, all by myself, without my instructor present). The first time I went, I was a bundle of nerves, but after getting in the flight pattern and the second time around, it felt like I had been doing it my whole life. It's an incredible feeling. I've been learning to fly for almost exactly 9 months (since middle of last July), and even though the weather delayed my first solo flight, I am pretty proud of myself with my progress and where I'm at. Steve tells me it'll be another year and half before I have my commercial pilot's license, and I predict it'll take me just a bit longer. But mostly I know this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Flying trumps all previous ventures in life, even though the academic ones were intellectually stimulating, and flying is much more stressful on my body than anything I've ever done. Everytime I fly, I clench the yoke like there's no tomorrow! It's not good for my circulation, but Steve tells me my tension will fade with time. Hope so.

Also, my new artichoke Mountain Hardward fleece is the bomb. I'll post pictures of my in my new jacket with the single engine Beechcraft Sundowner I fly as soon as I can.

Now I just feel yucky. Like I'm going to throw up. I wish I could make this all go away. I've never been good at hurting people....

Dear Blog,

I think it's time to write about things other than precarious love lives and discouraging situations. Time to step outside my little box and write about the other 98% of my life that I love. Yeah, it's time.

Love,
me

quitting you cold turkey

So you waved your hand, and that was it. The end.

hug it out

last book i've read: I'm tired of the books I've last read, it doesn't change much.

currently caressing my ears: hope for agoldensummer's I bought a heart made of art in the deep, deep South

general mood: vibrant

quote: I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.
--Shel Silverstein

I hope this good feeling lingers. I feel better than I have in a while. I feel sort of bruised, but I know it will heal over soon, and my solo heart will soon learn to soar. I had a little practice before, I know I'll make the most of this.

Maybe I've said too much before. I didn't mean to catch anyone off guard. I just can't seem to help wearing my heart on my sleeve, especially when it comes to you. Now, silly me, I sorta figured it out. What I need to do. What I've already done, and what I can do to fix it. It's cool, it'll all work out. It is working out. I won't fight the moments you haunt me. I bask in them, as I do in you. Sweet reveries, pleasantly lost in my own thoughts.

Know this: it never ended, and it won't. Unless you tell me to bug off.

taking the edge off

last book i've read: my planner and flight manuals

currently caressing my ears: pissed off playlist

general mood: contemplative

quote: "Whatever harsh criticisms may be passed on the construction of her sentences, she at least possesses that one touch of vulgarity that makes the whole world kin." --Oscar Wilde

Good thing these harsh feelings do not linger. I didn't mean it to come out so angrily, but I do long to be heard. I also keep thinking about what's to come, and it makes me very edgy and antsy. I need to let it all go, let the questions and musings and reminiscences roam free, let it go so far away to the edge of the earth, and fall off. Because this will all happen the way it's meant to, no matter how much melancholy I create.

If you don't mind, could you please just remind me how strong I really am? Sometimes it slips past me, like a thief in the night, and lets my guard down. And then I hurt the ones I love, which is not my intention. I just wish it felt like resilience, when it feels like futility. I am creating my own lonely spot. I'm afraid of what I'm capable of.

you're the good things, yeah that's you yeah that's you yeah

cliched themes and simple refrains
sidestepping full meaning behind gentle compliments
soft breaths and sleepy dreams of what's behind your brilliant smile
listening to songs you blithely gave
i've tried to stop reading into every one.

i can't even eat a handful of m&ms without stealing thoughts of you.

my jumbled mind cannot get distant places out of it
palm trees, plane flights, slot machines,
and snowy cabins
where lover's bodies join and connect
puzzle pieces that fit over spans of time and distance
and others that cross our paths
that piece right there, it's always yours.

zoning the dullness out; tuning you in
i think a million miles a minute
to your front door, where you let me in.
your kitchen, where we created delicious dinners
your bed and bath, where we created fabulous love
yours sheets, where we bared our innermosts
and the photos from just outside your window
when our breath crystallized.
please always let me in.

hope for a golden summer

last book i've read: same old flight manuals and handbooks

currently caressing my ears: my computer humming

general mood: exasperated, downcast

quote: "I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine." --Fritz Perls

The chapter is slowly closing. I want it to. It needs to, because I know what I need to do with myself now. I've realized, and it was right in front of me this entire time.

You say I've changed your life, that you're so much happier with me in it. But when you angrily demonstrate your resentment at this and that that I do, make you do, and so on, it's so obvious that I'm not everything you've supposedly ever dreamed of. How am I supposed to continue going on in this when I know where it's headed?

I'm not perfect, I realize that. I wasn't worried about that. But you've made me painfully aware of how far from it I am. You know, there are people in my life that do a better job of allowing me to love me as I am.

the hill of our home

last book i've read: my journals

currently caressing my ears: Psapp's album The Only Thing I Ever Wanted

general mood: quixotic, mournful

quote: Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest,

Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers,
Love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest,
And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers! --William S. Gilbert

My biggest thorn for today is I wish my brother was doing much better in North Carolina and that the drama in his life would desist. My heart breaks for him and his situation. He needs to learn to take better care of himself before he can ever take care of others, but that encumbering responsibility is quickly creeping up on him. I wish I could take him in my arms and protect him, but of course that's not what he needs. Nonetheless, I love and support him, no matter what.

Issues at work have also surfaced this fine day. Without breaking confidentiality, I will note that one of the guardians of one of the women I work with is bearing down harder than she ever has before, to the point where our program manager has mentioned she's burned out and thinking of leaving the program for a different one in LSS. Should this happen, I will be very reluctant to stay on at my current program. I feel the program will close soon, as nearly all the staff have made mention of leaving the program in the near future for their own personal reasons, and I will not be left "for the dogs." I think the program is going under, and I'm not sticking around for it. But it means I have to look for another program to transfer to, or I have to find another job. Neither is particularly attractive at this point, but I will do what I must.

On the love side of things, I'm not alone, and probably never will be. I love too much. So it's not aloneness, maybe just loneliness that hits me this moment. Andy is out of town on tour, has been for nearly the last 3 weeks. Wayland is a state away, where he always is, and I still miss him terribly. I don't know when this situation will truly resolve itself as my ex becomes more and more the one I know I could and want to spend the rest of my life with. Heavy statements, but so exceptionally raw.

But that is hardly near fruition, and my endearments will continue to be veiled and humble compared to the wild hope I embrace. And you thought our role reversals confused you....

Me too. But always there will be love.

I think this is the saddest Valentine's day I've ever had.

Classic

Is it fair to be in love with two people at the same time?

Is it fair to anyone?

I feel like I'll never stop loving my ex, but this is getting ridiculous. As in its getting overwhelming, and I can't seem to forget the good times we shared, despite the sad ones. And it refuses to really end. But I really don't want it to.

So, what now?

feels like it's colder than it outta be in march

last book i've read: The Bridge To Terabithia, by Katherine Paterson
currently caressing my ears: silence
general mood: unsettled, moved (nearly to tears), depressed
quote: "Time goes by, life goes on, and all I can think of is why you're gone." --source unknown

Nah, I'm back to that place where I wonder about things that could have been and won't be, back to that hellish questioning indecisive limbo that pokes and prods and damns and never brings clarity, but only most questions, more and more and more. I keep hoping I see the end of the tunnel, but it's always just another craggily turn. It's just my goddamn compass. It keeps pointing to his north.

I know that things are they way they're supposed to be. I am here, and he is there, and our paths cross seldomly but sweetly. But perhaps never the same way as they did before. The gravity is strong, and my heart longs for the ways things were. I guess somedays will always be better than others, but I need more of these days to be good than sad....

The ghost still haunts, the memories blindside, the heartache throbs, the memories don't fade. This isn't going to end anytime soon, is it?

I guess I'll make the most of it.

shredded paper makes me curious

last book i've read: something about flying
currently caressing my ears: marie antoinette soundtrack
general mood: quiet, serene
quote: short on time, so just skipping tonight.

I am finally free. Free of doubt, worry, concern and frustration about my previous relationship. I feel like I say this every other entry, but this time, for real, it is over. And I am happy to say that even though it would have been a great thing had it lasted, I am moving forward with my current love without looking back any longer. I can forge ahead with a clear conscience, and know that whatever passes between us will be in the realm of friendship, without any other tensions to confuse us. I am content to have him as a friend.

I am not angry, nor am I bitter or sad. I am slightly regretful (is that a word?), but know that what ifs never solve anything, but cloud the mind with doubt. And I'm done with doubt. It's caused all of us so much pain. I hope I'm worth it to Andy, I really do.

on the war of hearts, hands, and reason

12.16.07
this ghost town only makes me think of you and the way things used to be.
every street and building. thinking, holding hands, shining faces and slow walks.
haunting me taunting me pushing me on
someday i'll learn to forget

what remains is a heaviness in my chest
the sinking of profound loss
the heart i could never cross

the moment shared, close as we dared
lives and legs entwined. on these cold days i only wish to press rewind
to recapture and find
to end my days and unwind
with your warm arms encircling my tired body

...and....

12.24.07
so the truth comes out, and there's no way out of it
i left the bitter cold only to find
it cannot be ignored; i'm losing my mind
wishing i had two hearts, and left wondering what to do with this ocean

silent second guesses and second glances
i know who i love, but why must love haunt me
shaping endings, stealing parts, how does this one go?
humming tunes we both shared, i miss sharing instead of continually giving, nothing in return.
i miss a lot of things i used to know.
but now i know how this one will go

waves crash upon my shore
the sun dips below the horizon; nevermore
your ghost won't leave me alone
but i've got to let this go
a ship sounds just off shore
the deep bellow of settling.