Breaking Dichotomies

last book i've read: Infections and Inequalities: The Modern Plague by Paul Farmer (book is changing my life, by the way, at least affecting me deeply)
music currently caressing my ears: Thievery Corporation, anything electronic, good study tunes
general mood: cheerful, hopeful
quote i just thought of: "like a solitary popsicle dripping in the sun, my heart puddles for you." --Sean Dobson, magnetic poetry

I'm sure you're just dying to find out about the whole crush thing.... well, honestly, I think I'm over it. Not because he stopped being so charming, but I realized my home is with the one I love dearly, that being my buddy, of course. Right now, no one can touch that (except perhaps my favorite aging raging sports writing Indian, of course). Sometimes it takes a kick in the pants to realize all the good things you have, and what you're not willing to lose. I choose you, love.

My life is going pretty well, at the moment. We're not far enough into the year for me to judge my grades at this point, but things look okay for the most part. I recently got a new job at a day care/preschool for little ones. I am an assistant teacher in the Maples room, which is primarily 3-year-olds, and a few 4-year-olds. God, I love my job, despite them being complete monsters sometimes. It's a hard age to deal with, but I'm learning, and enjoying it! I've also picked up all their bad little habits, such as calling people poopyheads, spilling everything in sight, and whining everytime I don't get my way. It's so great....

I should be studying for a midterm in Psychology of Gender right now.... but I'm a bad girl, as we previously discussed. I think I'm actually afraid to study. It's gonna be a hardcore exam, multiple choice and essays will abound. And Haines isn't very forgiving. I can only hope that my cramming tonight will be sufficient. I hope I do well. I hope all this hope doesn't let me down.

On happier notes, this weekend will be fun if all goes according to plan. Tomorrow I don't have to work, so I'm probably going shopping with Linkie. At night, Tariq and I will go to Famous Dave's and consummate our love for each other (too bad Wayland is going too, so maybe next time, Tarqie). Later, Wayland and I will go spend my parent's money on a movie they specifically told us to watch and even donated money to the cause. They were delighted with the movie Elizabethtown, and hope we will also. I think it's gonna be great, so I'm excited. Hope big lug is too. Saturday is Linkie's birthday, so some celebrating is in order! First a surprise for her, set up by Catie, and dinner at night with friends. I think this weekend will be the break I needed from midterm stress. I heart friends.

My Wild Heart, Put In Its Place

last book i've read: Making the Body Beautiful: A Cultural History of Aesthetic Surgery
music currently caressing my ears: The Shins
general mood: floating
quote i just thought of: "You can't separate peace from freedom because no one can be at peace unless he has freedom." --Malcolm X

I have a wild, open, fantastying heart that I admit is somewhat out of place at the moment. Currently all my boyfriends are at odds with one another, and one isn't even aware he's my boyfriend.... so I guess that leaves us all feeling alone.

I have not only talked to my crush, but have hung out with him on multiple occasions. The fantasy continues to grow in my mind, and the crush also spills forth in our conversations. Uh oh, what do I do when the shit hits the fan? And yet he doesn't budge, isn't jealous. I'll never understand that one, other than extreme confidence in his affections for me, and mine for him. But I feel myself waving like a flag in the wind.... not sure which way it's blowing now. Will my heart survive all this emotion?

And then the shit hit the fan....

Her green plastic watering can
For her fake chinese rubber plant
In fake plastic earth.
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plants
Just to get rid of itself.
And it wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out.

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns.
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins.
And it wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out.

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love.
But I can’t help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out.

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted,
All the time, all the time.
--radiohead, fake plastic trees

i can't help feeling like i'm so fake, so unaware, avoiding the pain i caused you. thinking i could have it all, but i can't, life doesn't work that way. how selfish of me. and i want to stop hurting you.

i am very much alone. it wears me out....

a quickie

I met a guy Saturday night. I know this might sound dumb since I have a boyfriend whom I love dearly, but this guy was just someone who caught my eye. He was gentle, kind, thoughtful, even though slightly inebriated as I was. Yet he looks away now, I haven't had the chance to talk to him while sober. I hope I get the chance. He seems like someone I could be friends with. And different from any guy I've met. We shall see. Interesting, these boys.... guess I can't help myself. Oh, don't be jealous, don't forget I love you.