mid-afternoon vodka drinks and chocolate bars

last book i've read: anything about flying
currently caressing my ears: sleater-kinney. all their albums. delicious!
general mood: withdrawn, and not confident
quote: "When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." --Henry Ford (so key in my life right now)
and
"Realize that your present difficulty is only a small part of you, and the rest of you is doing quite well, thank you." --Lynn Grabhorn

This isn't getting any easier. None of it. I broke it off with Andy, then another one comes along to have a piece of my heart. My god, what is going on? No pressure, right?

I want it all, but I know I cannot have it all. And I'm doing better at being honest with everyone involved. But someone's gonna hurt or feel like they got a raw deal. And I HATE HURTING PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!! So why do I keep sacrificing myself for other's happiness? Mark Martin was right, sometimes I need to be a little more selfish. Even though I feel like I've been pretty selfish by wanting it all. Is any of this supposed to make sense??

"the hardest part is things already said
getting better, worse, i cannot tell
why do good things never wanna stay?
some things you lose, some things you give away"
--sleater-kinney, good things

something beautiful, like saving ice cubes from the cold

last book i've read: anything about flying
currently caressing my ears: modest mouse's we were dead before the ship even sank
general mood: withdrawn, but confident
quote: "People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams." --Norman Cousins

Never more have I thought so hard and so long about a situation as the one occuring right now. My life is tumultuous, and the circumstances lead up to someone getting hurt. And I'm stuck in the middle. There's no solution as of yet, but Andy certainly laid out some possible ways this could go: 1. I stay with Andy, 2. I go back to Wayland, 3. I become single again. Three endings, not sure which one will occur. I've been coasting for a week or so now, but I feel the need to let Andy know the truth: because I genuinely love him, I must let him go.

It's not that he's not great; he is. And I do love him. I care deeply for him. I want what's best for him. And right now, even though he won't agree, it's not me. I am not good for him. I am selfish, I am searching, and I am unsure of what I want in life. I need my space, I need my own room to grow. But he wants me. I don't know how much of me I have to give anymore....

One step at a time, one step at a time. Maybe I should just be like Wayland and let things play out, go with the flow. I need to flow more, it's true.

Fortune's Fool

last book i've read: whatever I have on hand, usually one about flying
currently caressing my ears: remix of imperfection, via fb
general mood: withdrawn
quote: "If people would dare to speak to one another unreservedly, there would be a good deal less sorrow in the world a hundred years hence." --Samuel Butler

It just doesn't matter what I do. I am damned if I do, damned if I don't. I've hurt my best friend in the worst possible way, and I've hurt Andy as well. And now, who knows what sort of army of hate I'm building in my wake.... it seems I can't help but hurt the people around me, and the only one here to protect me is myself. Good thing I've got some armor to protect my fall. Because this one's gonna hurt really bad.

I knew it would end up like this, I cried about it days previous. But it hurts all the same. I gotta figure my shit out, then maybe I can move onward. But until then, I don't know what to do. I've crushed two awesome guys in all this drama. Unintentionally. And I'm sitting here, feeling sorry for myself, and hoping this all ends up okay in the end. If I have any say in it, it will. Without a trail of tears behind me.

“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.” James Earl Jones

Unconditionality

Wholehearted, unqualified, unreserved, unlimited, unrestricted, unmitigated, unquestioning, complete, total, entire, full, absolute, out-and-out, unequivocal.

My love for and loyalty to you.

I've finally learned what it means to love without expecting in return.

just let me hold you

last book i've read: Pilot's Handbood of Aeronautical Knowledge by the FAA
currently caressing my ears: fb work playlist goodness
general mood: spirits are lifted, up
quote: "No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear." --Edmund Burke
and
"No bird soars too high if he soars on his own wings." --William Blake

You reach out to me, I cannot do anything but thrive off of it. A new relationship does not mean I will sacrifice and give up what I had before. In fact, it helps me value what we had before. If you must, here's what I miss most. Fingers in hair. Wild hair. Your toes. Doc. Organic sheets. Laughing at the silly ideas in Republicans' heads. Playing computer games together. California: LA, Palo Alto, Monterey, San Francisco. Las Vegas. And everywhere else we visited together. Sharing everything. The fact that you never wanted to share with anyone else (I will always cherish that one). Skim milk. Inari. Hugs that meant everything was gonna be okay. Driving and listening to music you like. Finding myself and losing my religion with you. Among a number of things I lost with you. ;) Plane rides when you grabbed my hand and never let go.

What I'm learning is that the grass is always greener. One thinks they have it all, but something shiny distracts, and you fantasize about what you don't have. Then when you have what you fantasize, you just want to go right back to the familiar. Next time, I'll know that I should stick with the familiar instead of go for the shiny. I liked what I had.

a moment's realization

No one can replace you. It's not about replacement. It's about moving onward and forward, but each individual brings something special to a relationship. And no one can replace that. Not even close. The ways that you have touched me, inspired me, pushed me, provoked me, and helped me are irreplaceable. You will always hold a special place in my heart, no matter what. No matter what.

borderline personality disorder

last book i've read: pilot's handbook
currently caressing my ears: more FB playlist goodness
general mood: coping, growing
quote: "Self-confidence gives you the freedom to make mistakes and cope with failure without feeling that your world has come to an end or that you are a worthless person." --somebody smart
and,
"Since you ask, most days I cannot remember. I walk in my clothing, unmarked by that voyage. Then the almost unnameable lust returns." --Anne Sexton

A couple of days ago, I wasn't able to cope with what was happening in my world. I allowed myself to sink low enough to not feel the pain. It was nice to be in that place for a while. It helped me for the period in time. And now I've bounced back a bit. I can face new days without feeling like it's all ending. I know that life goes on.

I do feel small though. A little less of myself. With the loss of Wayland, I lost a large part of who I was and what I wanted from life: to have someone as awesome as him in it. I wonder if and when he'll turn to me as a friend again. I will not impose myself on him, and I need to know he wants to maintain a friendship before I'll ever bug him again. It really hurts that we might not ever have what we had before, a trusting, amazing relationship that we could always turn to for anything. i wish i knew i still had that.

I'm slowly returning to myself. It's good to know I can retain seeming sanity in this. Except for those moments where I feel so utterly sullen that I've lost something huge, something that defined a part of me and that affected me in the deepest senses. I will do what I can to get it back.

The Lowest Points

last book i've read: don't recall
currently caressing my ears: playlists I made on FB
general mood: deeply depressed
quote: all good things come to an end.

Simply, I effed up. I lied, I didn't make myself clear, and I lost a dear friend. Had I seen this end coming, I would have done it differently. But instead, I am left with this hole where love used to be. It's gone now.

I cannot believe my severe stupidity. I thought I could share and that would make everyone happy. Instead, I shared and also took. I was selfish, more than I wanted to admit. And now I've lost someone enormously important to me. He affected me deeply, and now I don't know if I'll find my way back in again. He said he used to trust me, one of the only ones in fact, and now, who knows. I failed him completely. And I wish that truth didn't hurt so bad.

We dig our holes. I guess I'm now the only one who can get myself out. I will, eventually. When I'm through mourning the loss. I do know that life will go on, but right now, it's the lowest point I've ever sunken to. I wish I'm sorry were enough right now.