arm yourself with the ones you love, they're not here. they're in your heart. (never forget that)
--ethan durelle
p.s. i've spared one for you.
31 August 2003
27 August 2003
solemn mood
::shirts and gloves::
when i'm back from the road, then you're out on it. and i'm tired of this distance and i believe it's overrated. and this phone tag game is endless. the novelty is wearing. i'm hoping time will pass without any assistance or convincing. road rules apply. there's so much action, you're getting busy. i'll call your cellular phone to tell you tv night was lonely without you, and so am i....so am i. it seems our day keeps falling on a leap year. so many high points on this last leg. i can't wait to recount them. it seems nothing has happened until i've shared them with you. the note that you called says you're half a day away and you are heading home just in time for me, for me to leave. road rules apply. there's so much action, i'm getting busy. so make sure that i'm up to date on tv night, i hate to miss out. i think i miss you most on wednesdays and saturdays. it seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.
::a plain morning::
it's yet to be determined, but the air is thick and my hope is feeling worn. i'm missing home and i'm glad you're not a part of this. there are parts of me that will be missed. and the phone is always dead to me, so i can't tell you the temperature is dropping and it feels like it's colder than it ought to be in march. and i still have a day or two ahead of me til i'll be heading home into your arms again. and the people here are asking after you, it doesn't make it easier to be away. i'd like to hire a plane and see you in the morning, when the day is fresh. i'm coming home again. it's warmer where you're waiting. it feels more like july. there's pillows in their cases, and one of those is mine. and you wrote the words i love you and sprayed it with perfume. it's better than the fire is to heat this lonely room. it's warmer where you're waiting. it feels more like july.
::ender will save us all::
it's just like you contest, you wear it like a label on your breast. don't you see what this takes of me? a certain callousness complies with your charm and in your pride. a hopeful look draped in despise. i want to give you whatever you need. what is it you need? is it what i need? i want to give you whatever you need. what is it you need? is it within me? it's hard to explain how i am getting by on so little from you. it's hard to believe that i would let myself get so wrapped into you. there's gotta be something that would be worthwhile for me to give to you. we need a connection, but you seem to push me far away from you. the harder i push, the further i fall. well you don't mind me being headstrong, but you don't want to sing along. maybe it's trite, but i can always be wrong. try not to be wrong.
--dashboard confessional
when i'm back from the road, then you're out on it. and i'm tired of this distance and i believe it's overrated. and this phone tag game is endless. the novelty is wearing. i'm hoping time will pass without any assistance or convincing. road rules apply. there's so much action, you're getting busy. i'll call your cellular phone to tell you tv night was lonely without you, and so am i....so am i. it seems our day keeps falling on a leap year. so many high points on this last leg. i can't wait to recount them. it seems nothing has happened until i've shared them with you. the note that you called says you're half a day away and you are heading home just in time for me, for me to leave. road rules apply. there's so much action, i'm getting busy. so make sure that i'm up to date on tv night, i hate to miss out. i think i miss you most on wednesdays and saturdays. it seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.
::a plain morning::
it's yet to be determined, but the air is thick and my hope is feeling worn. i'm missing home and i'm glad you're not a part of this. there are parts of me that will be missed. and the phone is always dead to me, so i can't tell you the temperature is dropping and it feels like it's colder than it ought to be in march. and i still have a day or two ahead of me til i'll be heading home into your arms again. and the people here are asking after you, it doesn't make it easier to be away. i'd like to hire a plane and see you in the morning, when the day is fresh. i'm coming home again. it's warmer where you're waiting. it feels more like july. there's pillows in their cases, and one of those is mine. and you wrote the words i love you and sprayed it with perfume. it's better than the fire is to heat this lonely room. it's warmer where you're waiting. it feels more like july.
::ender will save us all::
it's just like you contest, you wear it like a label on your breast. don't you see what this takes of me? a certain callousness complies with your charm and in your pride. a hopeful look draped in despise. i want to give you whatever you need. what is it you need? is it what i need? i want to give you whatever you need. what is it you need? is it within me? it's hard to explain how i am getting by on so little from you. it's hard to believe that i would let myself get so wrapped into you. there's gotta be something that would be worthwhile for me to give to you. we need a connection, but you seem to push me far away from you. the harder i push, the further i fall. well you don't mind me being headstrong, but you don't want to sing along. maybe it's trite, but i can always be wrong. try not to be wrong.
--dashboard confessional
26 August 2003
hands down, this is the best
a few one-liners from dashboard's new cd to keep you company.
*my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. so won't you kill me? so i die happy.
*so much for so much more.
*you've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion, but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?
*color the coast with your smile. it's the most genuine thing i've ever seen.
*i'm talented at breathing, especially exhaling, so that my chest will rise and fall with yours.
*i guess it's luck but it's the same hard luck you've been trying to tame.
*is there anything worth looking for? worth loving for? worth lying for? is there anything worth waiting for? worth living for? worth dying for?
*morning calls for pain relief, a line above the step beneath the worst that you could do.
*man, it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has. but it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all.
*careful now, you're so beautiful when you've convinced yourself no one else is quite as beautiful.
*pacific sun, you should have warned us, it gets so cold here. and the night can freeze before you start it on fire.
*my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. so won't you kill me? so i die happy.
*so much for so much more.
*you've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion, but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?
*color the coast with your smile. it's the most genuine thing i've ever seen.
*i'm talented at breathing, especially exhaling, so that my chest will rise and fall with yours.
*i guess it's luck but it's the same hard luck you've been trying to tame.
*is there anything worth looking for? worth loving for? worth lying for? is there anything worth waiting for? worth living for? worth dying for?
*morning calls for pain relief, a line above the step beneath the worst that you could do.
*man, it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has. but it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all.
*careful now, you're so beautiful when you've convinced yourself no one else is quite as beautiful.
*pacific sun, you should have warned us, it gets so cold here. and the night can freeze before you start it on fire.
25 August 2003
a mark*a mission*a brand*a scar
if that sounds emo to you, you are absolutely right. emo meaning emotional, and believe me, chris carrabba is. which makes dashboard confessional an amazing band, and right up there with further seems forever.
there are only two people i know of that share my enthusiasm and love for dashboard (hey, you know who you are, s and b). i mean, we can all see chris's talent and how far it's taken him in such a short amount of time. his lyrics are innovative, his tunes are ingenious, and his persona causes you to wonder just who he really is. with such deep lyrics, we can all relate to his heartache, his frustration, and his hope. so, this is my little tribute to the man that is chris carrabba.
there are only two people i know of that share my enthusiasm and love for dashboard (hey, you know who you are, s and b). i mean, we can all see chris's talent and how far it's taken him in such a short amount of time. his lyrics are innovative, his tunes are ingenious, and his persona causes you to wonder just who he really is. with such deep lyrics, we can all relate to his heartache, his frustration, and his hope. so, this is my little tribute to the man that is chris carrabba.
driving in the sun, your shadow weighs a ton, cruisin down the 101
yes, i will be in california in a week. wow, i'm excited. ah, warm weather, beautiful sun-shiney days, but best of all, good company. it'll be nice to talk to my friends in cali and be immersed in god's beauty at the same time. it's good to be with friends and to share your lives in such fulfilling ways.
you know, it's recently been brought to my attention that this society is getting so messed up, here's why. way back in the day, when neighbors would visit, all work would cease and there would be a time of fellowship and fun. today, when one is engulfed in entertainment and trying to keep one's self occupied, friendships, acquaintances, most relationships hit the wayside and become damaged beyond repair. it seems that no one takes the time to maintain their relationships anymore, and that's a sorry state of affairs. i mean, the divorce rate keeps rising dangerously high, people become so busy with work, and families become broken from lack of relationship maintenance. truly, with so many distractions in this world, one needs to prioritize relationships, or they will be lost. so, where do your relationships lie? healthy and kicking, or in the gutter? take a look around you....there's more to life than work and entertainment. so much more. all you need to do is ask, seek, and knock. the truth will show itself to you. all you need to do is ask....
you know, it's recently been brought to my attention that this society is getting so messed up, here's why. way back in the day, when neighbors would visit, all work would cease and there would be a time of fellowship and fun. today, when one is engulfed in entertainment and trying to keep one's self occupied, friendships, acquaintances, most relationships hit the wayside and become damaged beyond repair. it seems that no one takes the time to maintain their relationships anymore, and that's a sorry state of affairs. i mean, the divorce rate keeps rising dangerously high, people become so busy with work, and families become broken from lack of relationship maintenance. truly, with so many distractions in this world, one needs to prioritize relationships, or they will be lost. so, where do your relationships lie? healthy and kicking, or in the gutter? take a look around you....there's more to life than work and entertainment. so much more. all you need to do is ask, seek, and knock. the truth will show itself to you. all you need to do is ask....
21 August 2003
parks are neat
i really enjoy water. a river, a lake, mostly an ocean, but anything will suffice, i'm not too picky. so, when there's a nice park to go to in a landlocked state that has a river, i enjoy going there. i have recently been enjoying more time at cherokee park with friends. it's a very memorable time. also, there's this cool park in wausau named isle of ferns. it's an island that's absolutely gorgeous....everything about it is quaint, intimate, and wonderful. ok, so being sappy about parks isn't the coolest thing around, but i'm happy to be in nature. what more can i say....
18 August 2003
thoughts for a lonely night
walking alone tonight
feeling a heavy weight, still shaking from that fight
your voice caresses my ear
but you didn't say what i needed to hear
are we ok?
i asked you that today
feeling my heart fade with the sun of the day
setting into the night of my soul
frosted with cold
and my frightened thoughts as i grow old
holding myself at night
wishing, hoping, praying that someday i'll make it right
torn between the truth and the lies
this frustration i darkly despise
while innocence hides in your eyes
i have loved you since forever and a day
and now you fear it's being taken away
but don't you see, don't you hear
i have inside me this same fear
it's causing my poor heart to break
it's true, "less of you is more than i can take"....
(quote thanks to further seems forever)
and a poem i didn't write....
I am everything you want
And nothing I'm not
My fears are violent
Yet you remain silent
You say you don't want to lie
And inside I die
Your silence says things you could never say
How can you take this all away?
So here I stand, head in my hands
Wondering what to say, what to do;
I love you.
feeling a heavy weight, still shaking from that fight
your voice caresses my ear
but you didn't say what i needed to hear
are we ok?
i asked you that today
feeling my heart fade with the sun of the day
setting into the night of my soul
frosted with cold
and my frightened thoughts as i grow old
holding myself at night
wishing, hoping, praying that someday i'll make it right
torn between the truth and the lies
this frustration i darkly despise
while innocence hides in your eyes
i have loved you since forever and a day
and now you fear it's being taken away
but don't you see, don't you hear
i have inside me this same fear
it's causing my poor heart to break
it's true, "less of you is more than i can take"....
(quote thanks to further seems forever)
and a poem i didn't write....
I am everything you want
And nothing I'm not
My fears are violent
Yet you remain silent
You say you don't want to lie
And inside I die
Your silence says things you could never say
How can you take this all away?
So here I stand, head in my hands
Wondering what to say, what to do;
I love you.
16 August 2003
breaking and entering (those dirty thieves)
a little b & e went on at my house last night. i come home and whoa, the side door and door to my house are wide open. i begin to breathe spastically, and i search the house. everything appears to be fine, until i notice three of my change jars, containing approximately 200 dollars, are gone. my laptop, sitting on the table, is still there. our blazer, with the keys in the ignition, is still sitting there. there's so much this person could have stolen, but didn't. which i am grateful for, except that my change was taken from me. i had been saving that since i was 15, but no matter. i am ok, the door suffered substantial damage, but other than that, all is well. quite the scare, though. no one would let me stay here at my house alone, seeing as my family is on vacation (yes, without me). my cat was a little spooked too, and rightfully so. it's not everyday strangers break into your house and steal your loose change.
15 August 2003
time, time will tell
a lot can happen in a matter of two weeks, two days, two minutes. things can go from good to bad to worse and back again. but, it's ok. things may change, but all that happens is for the best. and i'm content. more content than i've been in a while. spending time by yourself can be a great learning experience. do it, you might learn a thing or two. or ten. it all depends on what you're searching for....
07 August 2003
an open letter to god
not what you expected. yep, just like everyone else, with more than a fair share of imperfections. it's so natural to go against what is true. but the real question is....does it make you happy? in the big picture of life, are you benefiting from it or is it dragging you down? they say that you should dwell on "whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious, excellent, and worthy of praise." that is you. you are two times that. why shouldn't i think about you? oh, because you're not exactly what everyone expected. judgment is a harsh punishment. but you'll be fine.
what do You have to say about this? i only want to listen You. all these people are messing with my head, when the only truth i seek is You. ok, so i've messed up a few times. that's just me. and You know what i'm doing. maybe it's not exactly how You would have wanted it, but ya know what? i'm doing fine. more than fine. there are things i have to work on, but i'm working on it. if only my conscience would leave me alone. no exceptions, i know. so how do i get out of this mess than? i'd rather not. i don't see it as a mess, i see it as something wonderful. and i am not letting go. when it's time, i'll know, but for now, i'm here. and i'm not going away. You've helped me see that. i'm free, but i feel something weighing me down. can You help me out?
you know, of course there will be mistakes. but it's all part of something big. that is exactly what i am living for. "well done, good and faithful servant."
what do You have to say about this? i only want to listen You. all these people are messing with my head, when the only truth i seek is You. ok, so i've messed up a few times. that's just me. and You know what i'm doing. maybe it's not exactly how You would have wanted it, but ya know what? i'm doing fine. more than fine. there are things i have to work on, but i'm working on it. if only my conscience would leave me alone. no exceptions, i know. so how do i get out of this mess than? i'd rather not. i don't see it as a mess, i see it as something wonderful. and i am not letting go. when it's time, i'll know, but for now, i'm here. and i'm not going away. You've helped me see that. i'm free, but i feel something weighing me down. can You help me out?
you know, of course there will be mistakes. but it's all part of something big. that is exactly what i am living for. "well done, good and faithful servant."
06 August 2003
those late night get-togethers
it's funny when bible studies turn to social hours. which is fine with me. it's when the unexpected happens....the curly hair, the midnight rambles, a confession or two. "maybe i should just shut up." well, don't mind me, but i like to listen. i could listen to you speak of your past, your road trip, your idea of sexy. ha, that's sexy, for girls to take pictures holding cigars. hmm, ok. i can deal with that. or the way you said that when you're married, it's the little things that will be the greatest. i agree, completely. but what do i really find interesting in you? i'm not sure. and really, it's none of my business. i'll be content to play with your hair and just listen, never speaking, just listening. the moonlight, the crickets, the pond. it does ro-tic things to one at night.
02 August 2003
msn profiles suck
i was attempting to put my favorites on my msn profile, and because it only allows 255 characters, i didn't have room. i decided to put them all here, i know you'll be interested. so enjoy.
*my favorite person: god
*my favorite friends: ashley, brandon, john, melissa, sam, wayland
*my favorite flower: not to cop out or anything, a rose
*my favorite kitties: simba, peppie, mabel, tippy white tip golden heart, and misty
*my favorite place: the ocean at sunrise
*my favorite band: further seems forever, at the moment
*my favorite artist: tom robbins, at the moment
*my favorite word: well, two of them. ithaca and passion
*my favorite fruit: raspberry
*my favorite ice cream flavor: ben and jerry's chocolate fudge brownie
*my favorite season: summer
*my favorite color: red, blue, a rainbow
*my favorite year in school: 3rd
*my favorite type of weather: right after the rain
*my favorite summer activity: cornerstone festival
more to come when i think of them
*my favorite person: god
*my favorite friends: ashley, brandon, john, melissa, sam, wayland
*my favorite flower: not to cop out or anything, a rose
*my favorite kitties: simba, peppie, mabel, tippy white tip golden heart, and misty
*my favorite place: the ocean at sunrise
*my favorite band: further seems forever, at the moment
*my favorite artist: tom robbins, at the moment
*my favorite word: well, two of them. ithaca and passion
*my favorite fruit: raspberry
*my favorite ice cream flavor: ben and jerry's chocolate fudge brownie
*my favorite season: summer
*my favorite color: red, blue, a rainbow
*my favorite year in school: 3rd
*my favorite type of weather: right after the rain
*my favorite summer activity: cornerstone festival
more to come when i think of them
01 August 2003
one month, baby
today (well, yesterday) marks one month 'til i'm in california. it'll be sunsets, road trips, and sleep. and no work! yay. see, the crazy thing is that my family has, last minute, planned a 10-day vacation to florida in two weeks. i love florida, and i love california, so it's only logical to go to both in one summer (ha). i think i'm just lucky to be able to be at the east and west coast in a matter of a month. so, here's to a wonderful summer that just keeps going wonderfully. does it get any better?
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