The Beginning of the End

I think my life is about to change. My one true love may need much needed space, and our lives are taking us in different directions.

It's so hard to uncouple one's self from someone they've spent nearly five years learning from. I've learned so much from him. He's literally helped me reshape my worldviews into something so much more open-minded, something more caring and thoughtful. I'm a better writer, I drink skim milk, I use care all the time, I explored the ends of the earth with him, I don't drink as much, I use Macs, I love more deeply.... because he helped me and he was there for me. I am a different person than I was when I entered college, and now I'll be a different one without him.

I don't regret a thing. I am sad to see our lives go different directions, but I am also going to get over this all at some point. I am happy that he is happy with where his life is going, and no matter where I end up, I know I'll find my niche too. I just wish, with all my heart, that our paths crossed. In the future, maybe in two years from now, it may happen. But I know I can't wait in limbo for something that may never come. So I'm going my way, and he's going his. And we'll both prosper and be happy, together or not.

I know that life doesn't end here. It goes on.

this world ain't just m-m-m-made of facts

last book i've read: Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafizi
music currently caressing my ears: John Frusciante. Usually my keep moving like a shark playlist
general mood: disconnected
quote: "And i'm glad that you're gone, but i wish to the lord that you'd come home" --Tom Waits

Sometimes, most times I get it. I understand love and it's ways, that it goes up and goes down, that it gets old and needs a nice wax to make it shiny and new again, that it's usually there to lean on and leads to the best hugs and the deepest intimacy one can ever know. But then there are other times where it cuts deep, hurts me in the most blinding painful ways I've ever known. And those disconnections are the worst, and I hope I never have to feel it again for any extended period of time. I am protesting disconnections, here now and forever.

My life has changed. I know what I want, and now it's not exactly leading me where others may have hoped. I'm doing what I need to do for myself. It seems selfish, and yet, I've learned that sometimes there needs to a balance between loving others and loving one's self. It's been tough, but I'm learning.

It's all going up and down and I'm happy. Love is confusing for me, but I'm learning the new rules. It will come and go as it may, and I will go on. These ships keep right on sailing.