taking the crunchy with the smooth

last book i've read: why I bother I don't know.
currently caressing my ears: a purring kitty
general mood: patient
quote: "If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear. --Winnie the Pooh

You know, I was sure the universe was being clear, and I was faithfully following. I know I've made correct, feelgood decisions in my life. But truly it doesn't always feel like it. I can't seem to let go of the good stuff, why should I? Black holes and revelations don't mean it's over. It's just that my heart is in a headlock. And my faint, wild hope remains.

Always there will be love.

And, the story of my life:
It was just like being on a fast ride at the funfair
The sort you wanna get off because it’s scary
And then as soon as you’re off
You wanna get straight back on again

gems

last book i've read: I'd like to begin Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. Any day now....
currently caressing my ears: million dollar mix
general mood: indecisive
quote: "Indecision is the graveyard of good intentions." --Unknown

I believe I work with one of the most selfless caregivers in this world. She goes out of her way to accommodate the ladies we work with, and her own history reveals the motives behind her desire to give. Her daughter had a daughter with a developmental disability, and despite everything, they did their best to make her life as normal as possible. When she died at the young age of 17, my coworker decided that she wanted to help more like her granddaughter, and thus landed a job with LSS. It's rare to find other direct care workers that have less genuine reasons for doing the work they do. Most of us need the money, like the work, but do no see ourselves doing this for the rest of our lives. Others claim they're in a rut and are looking for something better to come along. But then you find that one worker that has their heart totally in it, and after observing their work ethic, motives, and joy, one cannot help but feed off the positive energy.

On another note, I continually get drunk dials from one of my brother's former Marine buddies. Former because this friend is no longer in the Marines; he got out. The stories he tells me when drunk intrigue and entertain me. For example, Pete went to Iraq with my brother last year for eight months. During those eight months, my brother wrote home saying his roommate did not receive anything from his family back home and that a friendly letter would be a great thing for Pete. My parents one-upped his request: they put together a package of goodies for Pete. They also made one for Michael, which included family photos, which included a photo of me from a family vacation. Pete got ahold of the photo, and I went up on his wall where they lived. I guess he really liked the photo, and his girlfriend had broken up with him before he left for Iraq, so I gave him some hope, glad to help! Apparently there was a time of scandal when someone stole the picture as a joke, and Pete hunted it down and returned it to its place on his wall. Oh the chivalry.

More on fascinating people in life later....

dropping tears into oceans

last book i've read: I'd like to begin Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. Any day now....
currently caressing my ears: a basketball game
general mood: relaxed, contemplative
quote: "Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." --Edna St Vincent Millay
and
"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." --Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld, translated from French

I adopted the kitten I discussed previously, changing her name to Maya. I've always loved the name, and my parent's cat had that name until it was discovered that he was a boy. Then he became Simba. We're not very creative, but we're not out to impress. Besides, I love my cat. She's a headbutter. She'll headbutt you when you're not watching, and then purr up a storm next to you. Lovely moments in life.

I love the local live music scene here in Oshkosh. I just discovered the Reptile Lounge or whatever it's called on High St. And I got to see the Southside Stranglers. Pretty rockin' stuff, right up my alley. I also had the pleasure of meeting some pretty rockin' folk, which I always enjoy. Gay roommates, boys with emo glasses, and chilled hometowners are always my faves.

The full moon has lead me to spill my guts, and for now, that's okay. Hope my insides are pretty to someone, just one.

what goes around

It's strange to be on the other side of the tarnished coin. I used to discover Christian music because I was Christian, then hear it on the radio and think it was cool because they were singing about god. Now, I discover music, think it's great, then realize it's Christian based on lyrics. And it makes my stomach turn, but I like it nonetheless.

The bottom line is I think I used to be cool. Now I just float.

happy mediums

last book i've read: I'd like to begin Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. Any day now....

currently caressing my ears: Mutemath's song Chaos

general mood: tranquil, sanguine
quote: "To me every hour of the day and night is an unspeakably perfect miracle." --Walter Chrysler

Today I had the fortune of visiting the kitty I hope to adopt, if all goes well. Her name is Monique, a 9-month-old tortie that's an adorable love bug, the kind of personality I adore. I am thrilled to think I might have a companion to live with in the coming weeks. I already gave the humane society my application to process, and after they call my references and landlord, I will hopefully be on my way to having a new pet. It's just the thing I need, a purr box to cuddle and grow old with. And she is terribly adorable. Simply, I can't wait.

On the flying side of things, I now have at least one hour of solo time (yeah, all by myself, without my instructor present). The first time I went, I was a bundle of nerves, but after getting in the flight pattern and the second time around, it felt like I had been doing it my whole life. It's an incredible feeling. I've been learning to fly for almost exactly 9 months (since middle of last July), and even though the weather delayed my first solo flight, I am pretty proud of myself with my progress and where I'm at. Steve tells me it'll be another year and half before I have my commercial pilot's license, and I predict it'll take me just a bit longer. But mostly I know this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Flying trumps all previous ventures in life, even though the academic ones were intellectually stimulating, and flying is much more stressful on my body than anything I've ever done. Everytime I fly, I clench the yoke like there's no tomorrow! It's not good for my circulation, but Steve tells me my tension will fade with time. Hope so.

Also, my new artichoke Mountain Hardward fleece is the bomb. I'll post pictures of my in my new jacket with the single engine Beechcraft Sundowner I fly as soon as I can.

Now I just feel yucky. Like I'm going to throw up. I wish I could make this all go away. I've never been good at hurting people....

Dear Blog,

I think it's time to write about things other than precarious love lives and discouraging situations. Time to step outside my little box and write about the other 98% of my life that I love. Yeah, it's time.

Love,
me

quitting you cold turkey

So you waved your hand, and that was it. The end.

hug it out

last book i've read: I'm tired of the books I've last read, it doesn't change much.

currently caressing my ears: hope for agoldensummer's I bought a heart made of art in the deep, deep South

general mood: vibrant

quote: I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.
--Shel Silverstein

I hope this good feeling lingers. I feel better than I have in a while. I feel sort of bruised, but I know it will heal over soon, and my solo heart will soon learn to soar. I had a little practice before, I know I'll make the most of this.

Maybe I've said too much before. I didn't mean to catch anyone off guard. I just can't seem to help wearing my heart on my sleeve, especially when it comes to you. Now, silly me, I sorta figured it out. What I need to do. What I've already done, and what I can do to fix it. It's cool, it'll all work out. It is working out. I won't fight the moments you haunt me. I bask in them, as I do in you. Sweet reveries, pleasantly lost in my own thoughts.

Know this: it never ended, and it won't. Unless you tell me to bug off.

taking the edge off

last book i've read: my planner and flight manuals

currently caressing my ears: pissed off playlist

general mood: contemplative

quote: "Whatever harsh criticisms may be passed on the construction of her sentences, she at least possesses that one touch of vulgarity that makes the whole world kin." --Oscar Wilde

Good thing these harsh feelings do not linger. I didn't mean it to come out so angrily, but I do long to be heard. I also keep thinking about what's to come, and it makes me very edgy and antsy. I need to let it all go, let the questions and musings and reminiscences roam free, let it go so far away to the edge of the earth, and fall off. Because this will all happen the way it's meant to, no matter how much melancholy I create.

If you don't mind, could you please just remind me how strong I really am? Sometimes it slips past me, like a thief in the night, and lets my guard down. And then I hurt the ones I love, which is not my intention. I just wish it felt like resilience, when it feels like futility. I am creating my own lonely spot. I'm afraid of what I'm capable of.

you're the good things, yeah that's you yeah that's you yeah

cliched themes and simple refrains
sidestepping full meaning behind gentle compliments
soft breaths and sleepy dreams of what's behind your brilliant smile
listening to songs you blithely gave
i've tried to stop reading into every one.

i can't even eat a handful of m&ms without stealing thoughts of you.

my jumbled mind cannot get distant places out of it
palm trees, plane flights, slot machines,
and snowy cabins
where lover's bodies join and connect
puzzle pieces that fit over spans of time and distance
and others that cross our paths
that piece right there, it's always yours.

zoning the dullness out; tuning you in
i think a million miles a minute
to your front door, where you let me in.
your kitchen, where we created delicious dinners
your bed and bath, where we created fabulous love
yours sheets, where we bared our innermosts
and the photos from just outside your window
when our breath crystallized.
please always let me in.

hope for a golden summer

last book i've read: same old flight manuals and handbooks

currently caressing my ears: my computer humming

general mood: exasperated, downcast

quote: "I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine." --Fritz Perls

The chapter is slowly closing. I want it to. It needs to, because I know what I need to do with myself now. I've realized, and it was right in front of me this entire time.

You say I've changed your life, that you're so much happier with me in it. But when you angrily demonstrate your resentment at this and that that I do, make you do, and so on, it's so obvious that I'm not everything you've supposedly ever dreamed of. How am I supposed to continue going on in this when I know where it's headed?

I'm not perfect, I realize that. I wasn't worried about that. But you've made me painfully aware of how far from it I am. You know, there are people in my life that do a better job of allowing me to love me as I am.