broken

last book i've read: a naughty one
songs on itunes i've been listening to lately: frail by jars of clay. also their album if i left the zoo. good stuff.
general mood: lethargic
a quote i just thought of: "the stars appear every night in the sky. all is well." --the most ridiculous fortune i have ever gotten. it does not tell me anything at all. it's as good as saying "the grass is green, except where it is brown." (courtesy of b, you know who you are)

i broke down today, while on the phone with w's psychologist. it seems to be a frequent thing these days. i'm sick of feeling like poop for an hour out of every day. avoidable, strongly disliked, and disgusting. and a failure. "i'm so lonely i don't even wanna be with myself...." i'm glad this school year ends soon. cuz i can't take much more. "if i get rejected one more time, i'll kill myself!!!" well, perhaps i won't go that far.... never.

anyway.... i'm starting to feel like l lately. it's getting old, this whole trying-really-hard-just-to-get-by business. kinda glad i'm not the only one, though this state is not at all who i am. i cannot be depressed. i hope i'm not. i could be. how do i stop this?

remembering high school days with blaring car radios and singing at the top of our lungs for 30 minutes, at least. remembering when social interactions were just as important as book work, and certainly far more rewarding. remembering old houses and kittens and catching frogs. (cheesy, i know. but at least i remember good times....)

i'm done

last book i've read: china's peasants: the anthropology of a revolution by sulamith and jack potter
songs on itunes i've been listening to lately: well, since i upgraded, i've been using party shuffle, so i can't recall all of them. it's quite random.
general mood: bouncy
a quote i just thought of: "clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves." --blaise pascal

basically, i'm done asking questions. i'm sure if you want me to know something, you'll let me know. heaven forbid i care about someone or something they're doing. i can't help but care, but you simply feel i am interested in other people's business.... fine. i'll just sit back and become silent.... i won't say a word. and that just clears my mind. i have less to worry about. i'll pretend that i don't care, and then maybe sometime, i won't.

on to better things.

generally stupid

i miss home. i miss not saying the wrong thing and not having to deal with drama and i miss my friends from home. one of these years, i'll have no friends to come home to.... but hopefully that won't be for a while yet. i just feel bad. wish i could keep my mouth shut and not judge like i say i don't or how i wish i didn't. i wish i could stay neutral and not care, but i do care. i care how things turn out, i care that you feel like you keep messing up, i wish you would stop bringing it on. it was truly never my intention to be such a mean friend. but there i go again....

i guess now i know better. at least, in theory i do. but who knows, i'll probably get hurt again, do stupid things again, and continue to be human. i wish i was somewhere else.

hey megalomaniac....

last book i've read: health psychology by shelley e. taylor
songs on itunes i've been listening to lately: moulin rouge, vol. 2; air's moon safari, and everything coldplay
general mood: crappy.
a quote i just thought of: "you deserve a cookie." --decapolis

sometimes i wish this was enough, or even that their was reciprocation. i'm about honesty and two-sided relationships. i can't even do well in the ones i have i feel sometimes. i feel strongly about this, but sometimes i just want to give up. you say i'm brave....i think i just can't give up, but i truly desire to at times.

i'm so so glad this year is almost over, although i will miss those closest to me. i need summer, need a break. i need to figure out what i'm gonna do with my life, how to go about it, and then to stop worrying about it. so much stress. more later.

so tired i can barely see straight

lastobook.....songitune....mood ok! quote: i tiawd.

it's bedtime for sleepy little girl. littlefoots has work tomorrow, and it ain't gonna be pretty if she falls asleep on teh jeorb. no, not at all.....i am ready to go to bed. sillyface! goodnight, i fare thee well.

maybe 'morrow i'll be awake.

it's a wonderful night for a moondance....

last book i've read: an empty spoon by sunny decker
songs on itunes i'm currently playing: anything fiona apple.
my general mood: just ok.
random quote: "love leaves a black spot, which take time to erase. hate is easier." --bernice, from an empty spoon

i got the exam back, and received a grade that made me feel ok. i know, really vague and nothing special here, but it's true. i don't have fancy words, but i know myself, at least....so i did just fine. for me, at least.

but the exams continue. one tomorrow, one on friday. but enough exams. i just received an early birthday present from w and he got me a....guess. an iPod. oh yeah baby. they're so cool. i couldn't ask for anything more. i'm spoiled....rotten.

i was thinking about you today. it made me sad, actually. in the middle of my health psych. i remembered the good times, the selfish times, and thinking of the way i wish things were. i want to help. more than you can imagine. but it seems i'll never get another chance....such lonely times. i hope it's not that way for you. although it doesn't sound like it....drinking and depression just don't mix. you know you know better. and i also just plain miss you. miss you, the you i once knew. your sweet face, your kindness, your gentle nature. but maybe i was wrong. i hope i wasn't wrong. i wanted you to know that i still think of you. so much frustration for such a little girl. "you'll grow up someday. you'll realize, you'll fantasize, you'll rationalize....you weren't meant for the gutter."

exams....already

last book i've read: mere christianity by c. s. lewis
songs on itunes i'm playing currently: the little mermaid. it's quite nostalgic for me....
my general mood: i like to sing!
random quote: "look at this stuff, isn't it neat? wouldn't you say my collection's complete? wouldn't you say i'm the girl, the girl who has everything...." --jodi benson, from the song part of your world

i just took a research methods exam. yes, a midterm. already. and so, i'm not sure how i did, i never like to get my hopes up....but i feel ok about this one. i hope, at least. cuz that class is difficult at this time. we just did a stats review, and that kicked my butt....oh well. hoping things will get better....

speaking of research methods, last night we met with the actress who will be acting in the video for our study. she is so amazing. not just at acting, but she was a free spirit, and so wonderful to get along with. we all liked her immediately, and she will fit in great with what we need her to do. i find that so refreshing, and also thankfully less stressful. yay for pretty women who can act!

i went home last weekend. it was great to be home. i spent time with friends, one who will be leaving on a 5 month hiatus to ireland, scotland, and wales, and the other who will be around for the summer. it's good to spend time with friends i don't see often. something refreshing about it. especially to hear one play a guitar up close....ah.

so far, so good. i hope i can still say that in 3 weeks, a week, two days....

last 1/3 of the year

last book i've read: the dobe ju/'hoansi by richard lee
songs on itunes i'm playing currently: coldplay. i made a cd for my dad, and it's really good.
my general mood: i'm fine.
random quote: "oh sinking like stones, all that we've fought for. homes, places we've grown, all of us are done for." --coldplay

a new term, clean slate (kind of, anyway). today in cultural anthropology we talked about egalitarian societies and cultures vs our capitalism/competitive one. and frankly, i am not good at being competitive. i am a pushover, and i'm certainly not a fighter. with a society that stresses the individual, not the group, i feel i don't fit in. this culture preaches the strength of the individual as best, while i would prefer strength in numbers. or at least, i prefer a sense of unity. i believe in equality, even if it isn't always possible. there are ways of getting close to it. the ju/'hoansi have it figured out. the good of the group, for them, is important, instead of each human as their own island. i would much rather have lived in such a society. well, soon enough, hopefully, i can get out of here anyway....sick of all this competition and aggressive behavior.

i just find so much wrong with american culture. and it's mostly personal opinion and preferance, but still, so much that is derogatory and degrading and difficult to live with. and it doesn't work well with who i am, despite being socialized in this country. one can reject their culture, of course, but i can't put away all my ethnocentrisms....sadly.

deep thoughts. if only i could express myself in a way that was up to professors' standards.