wild, like the wind in my hair

last book i've read: my poetry
currently caressing my ears: remix of imperfection, fb
general mood: floating
quote: "I don't understand people who like to work and talk about it like it was some sort of goddamn duty. Doing nothing feels like floating on warm water to me. Delightful, perfect." --Ava Gardner

foolish to believe the lie
you type to the screen, searching for answers
so then what's my part? do I get any part of your heart?
does the new paradigm win
while I continue to regret my choices, post-sin
knowing I may have already lost
the warmth you gave
trust in the feeling
knowing what you're creating
intending the best of times
while staring into brown eyes

the cold hollow of rejection, your lack of trusting affection
how long do we suffer for our sins?
what happens when your new life begins?
erasing the spot where I used to be
forgot that love never comes so easy
replacing these walls for some kind of free
carefully constructed sentiments stumbling over rambling roads
this isn't over, and you were meant to be wild, like the wind in my hair
life, never fair.

carefully constructed sentiments

last book i've read: FAR/AIM by the FAA, some of my own poetry
currently caressing my ears: Andy's TV
general mood: bright
quote: "Don't go for the looks, it can be quite deceiving. Don't go for wealth, even that fades away - go for someone who makes you smile because only a smile makes a dark day seem bright. Hope you find that person." --Anonymous

I met an interesting soul yesterday. A Lawrence professor named John Daniel, the guest musician with Jazz Orgy at Peabody's last evening. I think perhaps he was the most lonely person I've ever met. Granted, his brand of lonely was self-described as a necessary means for navigating through society. Makes you remember that other people's situations are far less fortunate than your own, and no matter where we come from, we persist, we carry on. Life goes on, there are signs all around that that sentiment will nearly always ring true.

He discussed with me a small number of his life experiences: with his trumpet, a mysterious woman that entered his life through equally mysterious (but understandable) means, and his studies and hope for his future direction. He seemed apologetic for taking my time, though I gave it willingly and longed only to listen, no other expectation. I only wonder why he felt so comfortable with me, and I'm sure he's wondering the same as well. I hope I run into him again in the near future.

I've also thought a bit about web community profiles and how their use promotes the community's accepted purposes. I don't claim to be an expert at any of them, the social ones, the dating ones, the discussion board ones, or any other. I do know, however, that they function in making us feel accepted, desired, and I wonder how much of that we can rely on. I suspect that the 2% of ourselves present on any profile should be interpreted as such, and that one can only really get to know another through other means of correspondence, and most importantly, face to face. I have addressed this previously, but it remains an important part of any computer-savvy person's life. I prefer to keep things in perspective.

Anyway, this entry veils my true reasons for writing. I think my love may be returning. I think it's not one-sided anymore. And yet there's still a part of me that wants to keep it in perspective, and only hope wildly when I know exactly, from him, what is going on. I know what I see and what I feel, but I want to hear him acknowledge where it's headed or give me some other sign. I want assurance that we're headed in the same direction, and together. I only want both our highest good in all this. I know I love him dearly.

i'm not waving, i'm drowning

last book i've read: FAR/AIM by the FAA
currently caressing my ears: the ticking of clocks, most likely blinking eights (dc ref)
general mood: confused, still in love, but brokenhearted. a tai chi sort of sinking. empty. all of that rolled into one nice little burrito.
quote: "Perhaps misguided moral passion is better than confused indifference." --Iris Murdoch

I do have it figured out, mostly. I know what I want. I want everything to be okay with Andy and me, and also for us to move forward, together, into whatever it is we're to move together into. I don't pretend to know where things are going, but I have my reserved hopes, and I know I will try my hardest to make this work. I'll be damned if I don't do that from this point on. And my word is finally good, good as gold.

I just wish I didn't feel so goddamn empty right now. I wish I could take my own advice: fuck the fears, it's time for something real. I want real, the tangible, the love so thick you can taste it. I fear that for the time being, it's pretty one-sided. But that doesn't faze me enough. I've made my mind up and I'm sticking to this one. I'm done second-guessing myself and my relationships and my choices in life. I've found someone who loves me, whom I too adore, and we're in this thing together.

Life doesn't always have to make sense at the exact moment you need it to make sense. Just relax.

determined to make things work

last book i've read: FAR/AIM by FAA
currently caressing my ears: all Jimmy Eat World. Everything I have in my possession, anyway. And Tom Waits.
general mood: optimistic, in love
quote: "Soul meets soul on lover's lips." --Percy Bysshe Shelly

It's been awesome the last month. Well, not every moment has been great, but it's been building up into something that makes sense. And never more has something made sense.

I realized what a mistake I was making in letting Andy go. I had second-guessed the relationship, made a huge mess of things, and then realized I was giving up the greatest thing I've got in my life. And I almost realized that too late. I feel lucky to have a second chance. I almost lost everything.

Andy and I are back on track. It took a fair amount of convincing him that I would shape up, that I am trustworthy, that I still love him deeply and want what's best for him. But he let me back into his heart, and I got my spot back. I am so happy to have that back. I am so happy he still loves me, and I am so very much in love with him. It's been going well, and as our hearts realign, I'm hoping everything else will fall into place as well. I have high hopes again. And this time, to the best of my abilities, I won't screw it up.

no sensitivity

so much for easy dreams and smiles like confetti
the rain finds its place here
just when i was feeling low
with nowhere else to go
getting the shit kicked out of me, and alone
i deserve it to some extent
but you're so goddamn hell-bent
on teaching me to crawl
like a child from their first fall
the condescending laughter, the blood and the bruise

i'm just singing in the rain again, finding my place
letting it wash away my indiscretions
walking at a steady clip and forgetting where my mind is
daydreaming of better days and how it used to be
feeling young stupid naive and free
trusting feelings
creating safe homes
loving wholeheartedly

where have those better days hidden themselves away to?
how can we be sure they happened, with these memories fading?

selfish google poem

Heather needs....

Heather needs men.... now!
Heather needs to start wearing a brassiere.
Heather needs two therapists.
Heather needs something more to be satisfied - preferably Pierre with that tall, dark mouth-watering body of his, and those come-to-bed chocolate brown eyes....
Heather needs a childhood.
Heather needs Gatorade.
I think everyone needs to give Heather a chance.
Heather needs some body.... guards.
Heather needs to start looking at the camera.
And last but not least,
Heather needs to grow up.

mid-afternoon vodka drinks and chocolate bars

last book i've read: anything about flying
currently caressing my ears: sleater-kinney. all their albums. delicious!
general mood: withdrawn, and not confident
quote: "When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." --Henry Ford (so key in my life right now)
and
"Realize that your present difficulty is only a small part of you, and the rest of you is doing quite well, thank you." --Lynn Grabhorn

This isn't getting any easier. None of it. I broke it off with Andy, then another one comes along to have a piece of my heart. My god, what is going on? No pressure, right?

I want it all, but I know I cannot have it all. And I'm doing better at being honest with everyone involved. But someone's gonna hurt or feel like they got a raw deal. And I HATE HURTING PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!! So why do I keep sacrificing myself for other's happiness? Mark Martin was right, sometimes I need to be a little more selfish. Even though I feel like I've been pretty selfish by wanting it all. Is any of this supposed to make sense??

"the hardest part is things already said
getting better, worse, i cannot tell
why do good things never wanna stay?
some things you lose, some things you give away"
--sleater-kinney, good things

something beautiful, like saving ice cubes from the cold

last book i've read: anything about flying
currently caressing my ears: modest mouse's we were dead before the ship even sank
general mood: withdrawn, but confident
quote: "People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams." --Norman Cousins

Never more have I thought so hard and so long about a situation as the one occuring right now. My life is tumultuous, and the circumstances lead up to someone getting hurt. And I'm stuck in the middle. There's no solution as of yet, but Andy certainly laid out some possible ways this could go: 1. I stay with Andy, 2. I go back to Wayland, 3. I become single again. Three endings, not sure which one will occur. I've been coasting for a week or so now, but I feel the need to let Andy know the truth: because I genuinely love him, I must let him go.

It's not that he's not great; he is. And I do love him. I care deeply for him. I want what's best for him. And right now, even though he won't agree, it's not me. I am not good for him. I am selfish, I am searching, and I am unsure of what I want in life. I need my space, I need my own room to grow. But he wants me. I don't know how much of me I have to give anymore....

One step at a time, one step at a time. Maybe I should just be like Wayland and let things play out, go with the flow. I need to flow more, it's true.

Fortune's Fool

last book i've read: whatever I have on hand, usually one about flying
currently caressing my ears: remix of imperfection, via fb
general mood: withdrawn
quote: "If people would dare to speak to one another unreservedly, there would be a good deal less sorrow in the world a hundred years hence." --Samuel Butler

It just doesn't matter what I do. I am damned if I do, damned if I don't. I've hurt my best friend in the worst possible way, and I've hurt Andy as well. And now, who knows what sort of army of hate I'm building in my wake.... it seems I can't help but hurt the people around me, and the only one here to protect me is myself. Good thing I've got some armor to protect my fall. Because this one's gonna hurt really bad.

I knew it would end up like this, I cried about it days previous. But it hurts all the same. I gotta figure my shit out, then maybe I can move onward. But until then, I don't know what to do. I've crushed two awesome guys in all this drama. Unintentionally. And I'm sitting here, feeling sorry for myself, and hoping this all ends up okay in the end. If I have any say in it, it will. Without a trail of tears behind me.

“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.” James Earl Jones

Unconditionality

Wholehearted, unqualified, unreserved, unlimited, unrestricted, unmitigated, unquestioning, complete, total, entire, full, absolute, out-and-out, unequivocal.

My love for and loyalty to you.

I've finally learned what it means to love without expecting in return.

just let me hold you

last book i've read: Pilot's Handbood of Aeronautical Knowledge by the FAA
currently caressing my ears: fb work playlist goodness
general mood: spirits are lifted, up
quote: "No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear." --Edmund Burke
and
"No bird soars too high if he soars on his own wings." --William Blake

You reach out to me, I cannot do anything but thrive off of it. A new relationship does not mean I will sacrifice and give up what I had before. In fact, it helps me value what we had before. If you must, here's what I miss most. Fingers in hair. Wild hair. Your toes. Doc. Organic sheets. Laughing at the silly ideas in Republicans' heads. Playing computer games together. California: LA, Palo Alto, Monterey, San Francisco. Las Vegas. And everywhere else we visited together. Sharing everything. The fact that you never wanted to share with anyone else (I will always cherish that one). Skim milk. Inari. Hugs that meant everything was gonna be okay. Driving and listening to music you like. Finding myself and losing my religion with you. Among a number of things I lost with you. ;) Plane rides when you grabbed my hand and never let go.

What I'm learning is that the grass is always greener. One thinks they have it all, but something shiny distracts, and you fantasize about what you don't have. Then when you have what you fantasize, you just want to go right back to the familiar. Next time, I'll know that I should stick with the familiar instead of go for the shiny. I liked what I had.

a moment's realization

No one can replace you. It's not about replacement. It's about moving onward and forward, but each individual brings something special to a relationship. And no one can replace that. Not even close. The ways that you have touched me, inspired me, pushed me, provoked me, and helped me are irreplaceable. You will always hold a special place in my heart, no matter what. No matter what.

borderline personality disorder

last book i've read: pilot's handbook
currently caressing my ears: more FB playlist goodness
general mood: coping, growing
quote: "Self-confidence gives you the freedom to make mistakes and cope with failure without feeling that your world has come to an end or that you are a worthless person." --somebody smart
and,
"Since you ask, most days I cannot remember. I walk in my clothing, unmarked by that voyage. Then the almost unnameable lust returns." --Anne Sexton

A couple of days ago, I wasn't able to cope with what was happening in my world. I allowed myself to sink low enough to not feel the pain. It was nice to be in that place for a while. It helped me for the period in time. And now I've bounced back a bit. I can face new days without feeling like it's all ending. I know that life goes on.

I do feel small though. A little less of myself. With the loss of Wayland, I lost a large part of who I was and what I wanted from life: to have someone as awesome as him in it. I wonder if and when he'll turn to me as a friend again. I will not impose myself on him, and I need to know he wants to maintain a friendship before I'll ever bug him again. It really hurts that we might not ever have what we had before, a trusting, amazing relationship that we could always turn to for anything. i wish i knew i still had that.

I'm slowly returning to myself. It's good to know I can retain seeming sanity in this. Except for those moments where I feel so utterly sullen that I've lost something huge, something that defined a part of me and that affected me in the deepest senses. I will do what I can to get it back.

The Lowest Points

last book i've read: don't recall
currently caressing my ears: playlists I made on FB
general mood: deeply depressed
quote: all good things come to an end.

Simply, I effed up. I lied, I didn't make myself clear, and I lost a dear friend. Had I seen this end coming, I would have done it differently. But instead, I am left with this hole where love used to be. It's gone now.

I cannot believe my severe stupidity. I thought I could share and that would make everyone happy. Instead, I shared and also took. I was selfish, more than I wanted to admit. And now I've lost someone enormously important to me. He affected me deeply, and now I don't know if I'll find my way back in again. He said he used to trust me, one of the only ones in fact, and now, who knows. I failed him completely. And I wish that truth didn't hurt so bad.

We dig our holes. I guess I'm now the only one who can get myself out. I will, eventually. When I'm through mourning the loss. I do know that life will go on, but right now, it's the lowest point I've ever sunken to. I wish I'm sorry were enough right now.

time for a new profile pic.

(literally) learning to fly

last book i've read: Pilot's Operating Handbook for the Beechcraft Sundowner 180
music currently caressing my ears: Incubus's Light Grenades, Foo Fighter's The Colour and The Shape, Timbaland, and Nelly Furtado
general mood: accomplished, contemplative
quote: Behind their lively, searching eyes one senses a doubting, a contemplative personality, always trying to make sense out of a puzzling world." --Adriaan Kortlandt

Life is so good. Ridiculously good. I've been learning to fly now for two months and a week. I love to fly. It's not as simple as that, but those are the only words I have right now for it. The X-rated version of how I feel is that flying is almost as good as fucking. Almost. In fact, going a week without flying is depressing, as is a week away from.... you know.

My primary flight instructor pretty much rocks. He's awesome to talk to, and makes me think about others before myself, per usual. My life is all about learning from others and listening intently to what they have to say. My instructor leaves a certain impression on me like no other teacher I've ever had. Professional and personal. It's all quite inspiring and makes me happy.

I haven't felt this good in a long time. I'm so very loved, by everyone around me. I hope these good times don't stop. No more reruns of the college years, reminders of what ifs, and second guessing myself. This time, I know what I want. And I'm doing it.

when your smile fades

last book i've read: The Acid-Alkaline Diet by Christopher Vasey
music currently caressing my ears: still delicious randomness, with some Atmosphere, Dispatch, Sleater-Kinney, and others
general mood: slightly sad
quote: "Anger, tears, and sadness are only for those who have given up." --Katie Gill

It's funny the moments one becomes privy to when intimate with another. There are many amazing, sincere, endearing moments that resonate throughout the beginnings of budding relationships. And much is to be said for all the good times, all the moments I live for.

But when your smile fades, despite the degree of feeling behind it, I feel a little less smiley myself. Your smile burns so bright in my memories of you. I enjoy the moments when the sun shines brilliantly in my presence. And yet, today, you showed me something far more disquieting when your smile faded. Maybe it was your anger, your clear exasperation, and your selfish storm after things didn't go your way. I was daunted by this show of frustration. It has been a long time since I have witnessed something as ominous as I did tonight, especially from a significant other. And I'm glad I haven't. But I'm not ready to start now....

I don't mean to walk in fear. I hate fearing what I love. I fear a broken heart the worst. I'm sorry I'm slow to trust. But please, don't be angry with me. I haven't dealt with it much, so give me time. I love you.

you put the wild in wilderness

last book i've read: The Pilot's Handbook of Aeronautical Knowledge, by the FAA
music currently caressing my ears: delicious randomness
general mood: weird
quote: "Perhaps the most important thing we can undertake toward the reduction of fear is to make it easier for people to accept themselves, to like themselves." --Bonaro W. Overstreet

It's all coming together. I have finally come to terms to what it means for my nearly-five year relationship to end, and to begin anew without him by my side and with someone else, someone who inspires greatness in me. And yet I am fearful. I hate it, but I harbor reserved feelings about myself, and thus about letting go. I don't trust myself. How can I trust others? I wish I could just let go.

I realize many things I didn't see before, because despite hurt feelings, I didn't let myself see the selfish, ugly parts. I also realize now that I did love deeply, I trusted, I smothered. Ugh, why is my brand of love taken on with such a sigh? He didn't really love me as much as I loved him. Funny thing to realize. And now I'm at a point where I'm okay with that. It's a weird, but reassuring place to be. At least I've let go of that. Of him, the past.

I still love more deeply than I should. I feel more deeply than I should. I think harder than I should. I overanalyze things a lot, but it's more in an effort to understand people and situations, not to take things personally.... at least I try not to. But then again, I find life hard to understand as a whole. There are a few things in life that make sense: embracing others, intending particular good things to happen when making love, eating right, and living to serve. I just wish I could understand the universe and why it seems to pull me down, down, down....

One last thing.

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars...." --Jack Kerouac

Why So Scared, Little Girl?

I wish I understood why I don't like you right now. I wish I knew what dark fear I hold, what way to diminish the tired and agitated thoughts coursing through my mind, which way to go despite my loneliness. Where am I going, when will I get there, does it even really matter? Considering this is all a dream. When do I get to hold the tangible, contain the firefly, and require only that light for every moment I feel weak? I need to grow up, I need to eat better, I need to work out, I need I need I need. Who knows what I need, besides a warm bubble bath and just one savory piece of dark chocolate? I'm thirsting for something more. More than this lonely room. More than this hole where love used to live.

I miss something familiar. I miss questions of "are you okay," similar beliefs, brown eyes, wild hair, the dance I knew so well, the ease of touch, the warmth and scent of our nakedness, the soul I held dear as my own. I miss you.

But you're far, far away, the furthest you've been from me. And we chose this, and it's the best it can be. Why did I fall for the lie of forever, the security of always, the illusion of encircling arms?

My sweatshirt smells great. Maybe I'll just smell the night away.

Sweet Surrender

last book i've read: The Pilot's Handbook of Aeronautical Knowledge, by the FAA
music currently caressing my ears: Feist, Fiona Apple, and playlist randomness - Atmosphere, Bloc Party, Dispatch, Counting Crows, Bill Withers, Zero 7, Lyrics Born, Heart, Radiohead, KT Tunstall, the list goes on
general mood: delighted, pensive, glowing in the joy of giving and receiving love
quote: "Our true identity is to love without fear and insecurity. Our higher potential finds us when we set our course in that direction. The power of love and compassion transforms insecurity." - Doc Childre

I'm learning what true love translates to and the extent of its ability to heal and smooth over the rough parts. I'm healing my loss, finding solace in myself, and discovering there is more to life than fear and such loss. That love can be found in the most unlikely of places, and it may be the sweetest, life-altering kind I have in my midst. I can't believe I've come to this place. But I could never go back. Not with what I know now. I'm surrounded by the warmth I've been searching for for so long.

I've started something beautiful with the bass player from Oshkosh, who also graduated from LU. I'm learning to love myself, and through him, learning what it means to love others and really take care of them. Andy shows me what love can do for you and me and this cold world. Once you get past the dream of "reality," it all fades, and what you're left with is the rawest, most genuine existence one could hope for. And his love for me is unfalteringly compassionate. And passionate as well! The sweetest I've encountered, ever. I'm exploring the world with what he's taught me and enjoying the scene. Not to mention I get to hear some pretty amazing jazz on a regular basis. And get treated for the slightest problem, and have it disappear. And fall asleep in the arms of someone so wonderful, and wake up with those arms still around me.

I'm also learning something dark about myself though. I have lost something I may never get back. Presently, I guard myself carefully; it's sad that I can't fully relax 100% of the time with those I love. I'm learning how to relax, but separating from Wayland meant I parted with some small part of blind trust I used to have in love, the way it feels, and my freedom to sing and dance and not care who's watching while in love. There are times I get wrapped up in myself and don't let Andy in. I can tell he gets confused or frustrated by it. And I hate myself for being foolishly guarded with him. I hate the drama I create. As long as he continues not to take it personally, we'll be just fine. But I will work on ridding myself of this burden of protection. It's just not necessary.

We all have our baggage. I've decided enough is enough with mine. I've been dropping it off bit by bit since meeting Andy; it only gets better from here.

Actually moving on

last book i've read: The Friend Who Got Away, edited by two cool ladies
music currently caressing my ears: Feist, still rocks my world. Also Nick Drake, Gym Class Heroes, Lily Allen
general mood: excited about possibilites
quote: "Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning. --Gloria Steinem
and
"The word 'romance,' according to the dictionary, means excitement, adventure, and something extremely real. Romance should last a lifetime." --Billy Graham

In my last entry, I tried to seem like I've moved on. Of course that has not happened even yet, but I'm making leaps and bounds to regaining sanity and happiness. I spend time with people who rock my world. I met a wonderful woman at work, who, after many thoughtful and pointed discussions of love, loss, and beyond, has made me realize the importance of really sticking it through and also of the possibilities that lie ahead. She invited me to outings with her and her friends, which helped me get out of my big lonely house. She also introduced me to an intriguing, charming man who graduated from LU and became a professional jazz musician. A bass player. Interesting where life takes us.

I know that when I think about Wayland, my emotions are still charged with frustration, white hot anger, confusion, and a small part still cares deeply. I know that nothing serious will happen with anyone for a very long time. But the possibilities are there, and I've come a long way from the mopey lethargic sad girl. I've come back into myself, finding strength from within to get past the heartache to knowing life goes on. Time will heal this wound, but I'm also getting off my ass and doing something about it.

I also know that when I think about my future, the possibilites are literally and not just optimistically endless. I could go anywhere: California, West coast, East coast, India, and do anything: find a job, anthropology, Peace Corps, commercial pilot. I am not bound to anyone or any place.

it hurts

last book i've read: can't remember the title....
music currently caressing my ears: Feist, rocks my world
general mood: awkward, lonely
quote: "I'm standing with the moon, with nothing left to do, with a lonely view of heaven, but I'd rather be with you." --anonymous

Today was a bad day. Those happen, still, even though I feel like I've moved on. It's just that I have so many questions, there are loose ends in my mind, and I don't know if he's being honest. I think he's hiding something big, and of course I'm stuck in the middle, left wondering, with very little help. I was happy with him, and I'll be happy without him, but that doesn't mean I don't remember or wish for what had been.

I only long to understand. I ask questions, I ponder moments and exchanges, and yet I have no answers, nothing to show for my thoughts but this stain and this damage.

I really don't need another broken heart; I know what I want. I wanted you. Why didn't you want me too?

Unrequited love is a bitch.

The Beginning of the End

I think my life is about to change. My one true love may need much needed space, and our lives are taking us in different directions.

It's so hard to uncouple one's self from someone they've spent nearly five years learning from. I've learned so much from him. He's literally helped me reshape my worldviews into something so much more open-minded, something more caring and thoughtful. I'm a better writer, I drink skim milk, I use care all the time, I explored the ends of the earth with him, I don't drink as much, I use Macs, I love more deeply.... because he helped me and he was there for me. I am a different person than I was when I entered college, and now I'll be a different one without him.

I don't regret a thing. I am sad to see our lives go different directions, but I am also going to get over this all at some point. I am happy that he is happy with where his life is going, and no matter where I end up, I know I'll find my niche too. I just wish, with all my heart, that our paths crossed. In the future, maybe in two years from now, it may happen. But I know I can't wait in limbo for something that may never come. So I'm going my way, and he's going his. And we'll both prosper and be happy, together or not.

I know that life doesn't end here. It goes on.

this world ain't just m-m-m-made of facts

last book i've read: Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafizi
music currently caressing my ears: John Frusciante. Usually my keep moving like a shark playlist
general mood: disconnected
quote: "And i'm glad that you're gone, but i wish to the lord that you'd come home" --Tom Waits

Sometimes, most times I get it. I understand love and it's ways, that it goes up and goes down, that it gets old and needs a nice wax to make it shiny and new again, that it's usually there to lean on and leads to the best hugs and the deepest intimacy one can ever know. But then there are other times where it cuts deep, hurts me in the most blinding painful ways I've ever known. And those disconnections are the worst, and I hope I never have to feel it again for any extended period of time. I am protesting disconnections, here now and forever.

My life has changed. I know what I want, and now it's not exactly leading me where others may have hoped. I'm doing what I need to do for myself. It seems selfish, and yet, I've learned that sometimes there needs to a balance between loving others and loving one's self. It's been tough, but I'm learning.

It's all going up and down and I'm happy. Love is confusing for me, but I'm learning the new rules. It will come and go as it may, and I will go on. These ships keep right on sailing.

Strength In Being Alone, and Discussion Anxiety

last book i've read: Blue Like Jazz by someone
music currently caressing my ears: NIN, RJD2, 30 Seconds To Mars, Saosin, Explosions In The Sky
general mood: anxious, contemplative, determined, in love, melancholy, weird
quote: “If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.” --Winnie the Pooh

It's Lawrence's spring break, and I am still in Appleton working hard. It's interesting to be here alone. When I was recently in Massachusetts, and more specifically in Walpole, New Hampshire staying with Wayland's good friends the Montgomery's, Stephanie mentioned something that struck a chord with me. She talked about being independent, about traveling and eating dinner and watching movies all alone. She hinted at how liberating such experiences can be, and I have no doubt they are. I just realized that I am a very dependent person. I depend on others to keep me company, and I love people so much that being alone is a melancholic thought for me. So I thought perhaps by Stephanie's description, I was weak soul. Maybe I am, but I've learned something about myself this past week while being alone in the apartment. I've learned that I am stronger than I think. There is solace in being alone, much more than I realized. I had dinner this week alone, something I have always dreaded while a college student, and I've come to realize it's not quite as bad as I made it out to be. A good book will keep you company, and stares, questions of why, and other horrible things did not happen. I underestimated my ability to successfully be alone, and like it.

Underestimation has been my enemy as of late, and it's time to throw off old doubts, and put on new reassurances and experiences, label and keep memories alive, and stop the cycle of doubts that hinder far more than help.

Also, my significant other and I want to move in together this fall. He is accepted at UMich-Ann Arbor graduate law school, and I want to get a job and stave off graduate school for a little while. Ann Arbor is an excellent place to start, and according to one of my LU professors, offers much for the anthropology major. I hope it's as full of promise as it seems.

But there are huge obstacles before moving in together becomes a reality. The biggest being both our fathers. My dad is a mild Christian, but lives his life as righteously as he knows how, and even if it's not that deep, it's honest. He is a good man, but he has his hang-ups, and I know living together will be an issue he will resist. My mother is much more understanding, but I think she too has her reservations and concerns for the living situation I desire. My dad will most likely wonder about sleeping arrangements, and I am not sure how to work that one out yet. I want to compromise and say we'll sleep in separate beds, but is that honest, and does he even want honesty about this? It can turn awkward very fast. But, my greatest concern is retaining their love and support. I need that in my life, and if I don't have it, I will be a sorry soul indeed. As for the rest of my family, who already looks down at me for not believing in God, this may just fit in with who I've become. I know no one will particularly like it, but do I really want to live my life for others, or do what I know will bring me the most happiness? Maybe I'm as self-centered as they think. I just do not know what will happen tomorrow until it happens. I can only hope for the best.

I know who and what I love, I know what I want in life, and I can only hope that my parents will agree and support it all. If not, my heart will sink to the lowest it's been. Let's hope for the best.

you insist on pictures of shorelines

last book i've read: As Simple As Snow by Gregory Galloway
music currently caressing my ears: Snow Patrol's Open Your Eyes, Elizabethtown, Vol. 2, Beck's Guero, Mat Kearney's Nothing Left To Lose, and The Streets
general mood: generally down
quote: "I've waited and I'll wait some more, won't see me knocking on another door. But all this is crazy and amazing. There's only one half of us that I'm saving. So I'm praying just to let it go, watch from a distance just to see you glow. Seven hundred places seven hundred faces more." --Mat Kearney

I feel like an island. Like the ocean is lapping at my shoreline, but the heart of me is somewhere, lost, in the middle of it all. Hidden, perhaps I want it that way, but still lost to some degree. My wishes, my desires at my doorstep, but I do not see them coming true. I lack the foresight to know what will happen, but I know what I would like to see. I just need to get a sense of confirmation from you too. But it won't happen, will it. Not the way I imagined, never the way we imagine.

God, I have really lost myself out here. I am waiting, waiting, waiting. But you're living, living, living. It's time for me to live too. I thought we were both on pause, but it seems I've been muted too. Stave off the discussion, perhaps the problem will subside. But not in this ocean, not without a storm. At first it was a hurricane of love, now it's becoming a hurricane of loss.

So I'll just continue to search on my island for what is it I miss most. Is it protection from loneliness, the warmth, or all of it? Am I selfish, or am I feeling? You've told me you're unfeeling, that you're trying to feel. I need a feeler. Otherwise that part of us will die. Is dying. My little world that revolves around you has decayed enough. Why is rationality your beast, pornography your crutch, and limbo your savior?

All I wanted was everything, and I guess that was just too much to ask. I am good at asking for too much, but somehow I always hope it will work out. This time, it just has not.