last book i've read: phi kappa tau membership manual
band currently caressing my ears: massive attack
general mood: chipper, optimistic, and pleased
quote i just thought of: "to champion a lifelong commitment to brotherhood, learning, ethical leadership and exemplary character." --phi tau's mission statement
ok, so i'll be honest: i couldn't be more thrilled for wayland. he's joining a fraternity, and i know that may sound like a bad thing, but believe me, the group of guys he's joining are wonderful, and that frat is dubbed "the gentleman frat" so i'm not worried. i'm so very ecstatic. hope it lives up to its label.
he was made an associate member tonight, and will be made a full member the end of next fall term next school year. he's got a little bit of time to study the manual (oh, three months).
it seems i'm happiest when other people around me are genuinely doing well and making the most of what they've got. i mean, this whole frat thing has me very happy, and i am mostly thrilled for wayland. he's friends with a great group of guys, and i look forward to the things in store: formals, roofball, chilling at the house, ah. ok, so honestly, i think i'm just mostly looking forward to the formals, but hey, it will be good....
i talked to one of the members tonight, not in depth, but just about the frat and how wayland feels about it. i mean, prime example of nice guy. he and i get along great, and i look forward to getting to know the rest of the guys. and sincerely, a handful of guys in the frat don't drink.... he won't be alone.
so, i'm feeling pretty good right now. perhaps i'm getting better. well, despite my peers being frustrated about the final weeks of the term, with many papers and final exams coming up, i am not worrying a bit (for like the first time ever!). i feel confident in myself to finish this term gracefully and with more self-esteem than i've had in a long time. i'm glad things are finally feeling like they used to. maybe all i needed was that pep talk from sam.... i love my friends, dearly.
wow i feel good. haven't felt this good in....
27 May 2004
24 May 2004
last monday of the year, with classes
last book i've read: Factory Daughters: Gender, Household Dynamics, and Rural Industrialization in Java by diane wolf
band currently caressing my ears: portishead, the song sour times rocks!
general mood: contemplative
quote i just thought of: "well in case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see, this is my heart bleeding before you. this is me down on my knees." --jewel, before she sold out
yes, it is the last monday we have classes. we still have three weeks left, this is beginning of 9th out of 11 weeks, including finals. wow, it's all wrapping up so fast. i only have one final! yay for me. things are definitely looking up....
we did get into the building we wanted for housing, the new one called hiett (and it's almost as nice as the hotel chain hyatt). a quad, to be shared with wayland, bart, sarah, and me. should make for good times. i'm very excited. room 318.
and finally, me. i am doing better. i feel sane, i smile more, my classes are actually going well for a change. i haven't worried about it in a few weeks. a change? (well, it would be nice) there's just one thing still bothering me, bothers me deeply. my friend melissa hasn't called me after repeated pleas to do so.... i wonder what's up, but i won't worry about it. i just wonder, and i sometimes i wonder how badly i do mess up, cuz it seems to be more frequent, more serious. stupid promises i try to make and can never keep. i need to learn to keep my mouth shut and keep my mind clear....
oh and get this. i went to the first party on campus that i actually had fun at (completely sober, mind you). le brawl at phi taus was absolutely amazing. they spent a lot of time making authentic parisian sewers (well, it did have a slide) and making things pretty. the jazz quartet was great, especially their rendition of "night and day," i couldn't help but sing along. and of course, the dancing was so great, i finally let loose and didn't care. and i was surrounded by friends. what more could i ask for? a fantastic night. and there are sure to be many more.
hmm, maybe things really will be ok. starting to believe maybe all these ghosts are just in my head, and maybe there's more to life than the future.
band currently caressing my ears: portishead, the song sour times rocks!
general mood: contemplative
quote i just thought of: "well in case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see, this is my heart bleeding before you. this is me down on my knees." --jewel, before she sold out
yes, it is the last monday we have classes. we still have three weeks left, this is beginning of 9th out of 11 weeks, including finals. wow, it's all wrapping up so fast. i only have one final! yay for me. things are definitely looking up....
we did get into the building we wanted for housing, the new one called hiett (and it's almost as nice as the hotel chain hyatt). a quad, to be shared with wayland, bart, sarah, and me. should make for good times. i'm very excited. room 318.
and finally, me. i am doing better. i feel sane, i smile more, my classes are actually going well for a change. i haven't worried about it in a few weeks. a change? (well, it would be nice) there's just one thing still bothering me, bothers me deeply. my friend melissa hasn't called me after repeated pleas to do so.... i wonder what's up, but i won't worry about it. i just wonder, and i sometimes i wonder how badly i do mess up, cuz it seems to be more frequent, more serious. stupid promises i try to make and can never keep. i need to learn to keep my mouth shut and keep my mind clear....
oh and get this. i went to the first party on campus that i actually had fun at (completely sober, mind you). le brawl at phi taus was absolutely amazing. they spent a lot of time making authentic parisian sewers (well, it did have a slide) and making things pretty. the jazz quartet was great, especially their rendition of "night and day," i couldn't help but sing along. and of course, the dancing was so great, i finally let loose and didn't care. and i was surrounded by friends. what more could i ask for? a fantastic night. and there are sure to be many more.
hmm, maybe things really will be ok. starting to believe maybe all these ghosts are just in my head, and maybe there's more to life than the future.
15 May 2004
lonely times
last book i've written in: w's outward bound art book
some good songs: for the sad, coldplay
general mood: pensive
quote i just thought of: "my life will go on, my life will go on without you...." --joe mcghee
last night i went home for the night, only for the night. i had to say goodbye to a friend who will be leaving to go abroad for 5 months. well, i had to say goodbye to joe. and i don't feel bad writing it here, because someday he will be famous. he did a live acoustic show last night, his last for a while. it was fantastic. i haven't been to a live show in forever, and that was what i needed.
i also saw s. such feelings of sadness and desire and longing for my friend again. we're always too busy to talk, always gone. and i'm sick of those reasons. i'm sick of fake friends and lies and "i'm just too busy." and there's so much to catch up, so much i don't know. thanks for telling me....
i was emotional when we said goodbye. it was hard, i will miss her like she'll never know. it's been a really hard year for me, and saying goodbye to her again didn't help. it's sad to think that i may have emotional problems, but i need to deal with this monster that keeps eating away at me and won't let me live. i'm sick of not living.... not really living. i felt alive with my parents, and always with w, but those times are few and far between. i miss the substance i used to have in my life. there's something missing.... and i can't find it. don't even know what i'm looking for....
some good songs: for the sad, coldplay
general mood: pensive
quote i just thought of: "my life will go on, my life will go on without you...." --joe mcghee
last night i went home for the night, only for the night. i had to say goodbye to a friend who will be leaving to go abroad for 5 months. well, i had to say goodbye to joe. and i don't feel bad writing it here, because someday he will be famous. he did a live acoustic show last night, his last for a while. it was fantastic. i haven't been to a live show in forever, and that was what i needed.
i also saw s. such feelings of sadness and desire and longing for my friend again. we're always too busy to talk, always gone. and i'm sick of those reasons. i'm sick of fake friends and lies and "i'm just too busy." and there's so much to catch up, so much i don't know. thanks for telling me....
i was emotional when we said goodbye. it was hard, i will miss her like she'll never know. it's been a really hard year for me, and saying goodbye to her again didn't help. it's sad to think that i may have emotional problems, but i need to deal with this monster that keeps eating away at me and won't let me live. i'm sick of not living.... not really living. i felt alive with my parents, and always with w, but those times are few and far between. i miss the substance i used to have in my life. there's something missing.... and i can't find it. don't even know what i'm looking for....
10 May 2004
a taste of summer
last book i've read: health psychology by shelley e. taylor
songs on my iPod i've been jammin' to: moulin rouge, vol. 2, everything radiohead, and a dash of dashboard confessional (i'm a loser, i know)
general mood: peaceful.
a quote i heard today while in cultural anthropology: "my life is a delayed reaction." --jeremy cowie
ah, the ironic reading period. the time when one is meant to read, catch up and generally relax before they take midterms. midterms that everyone has already taken. sure, maybe back in the day reading period consisted of actual reading, but as any lawrentian will tell you, it usually ends up being a glorified break. and i, along with many others, have treated it as such.
it is so good to get away from the daily grind. the studying, the drama, the long hours with nothing gained.... i was screaming overstressed, so the break was good. i did nothing for two days and then went to minneapolis, mn with the fam. i love spending time with them. mom and i spoiled ourselves, considering it was mother's day AND my birthday.... hee hee, i'm 20. and i feel so stinkin' old. but life goes on.... i was my mom's present for the day. awww, sappy.
and yet it's good to be back. i love spending time with w and s and all the kids (and my favorite adult) at work. at least my relationships are intact, even if my grades never will be where i want them to be.... at least i could forget about those for a time.
i can't wait for summer. but i will miss you dearly.... i always miss you. take care.
oh and yes, my life is a delayed reaction. it's those moments when i am always just a little bit behind. will i always....
songs on my iPod i've been jammin' to: moulin rouge, vol. 2, everything radiohead, and a dash of dashboard confessional (i'm a loser, i know)
general mood: peaceful.
a quote i heard today while in cultural anthropology: "my life is a delayed reaction." --jeremy cowie
ah, the ironic reading period. the time when one is meant to read, catch up and generally relax before they take midterms. midterms that everyone has already taken. sure, maybe back in the day reading period consisted of actual reading, but as any lawrentian will tell you, it usually ends up being a glorified break. and i, along with many others, have treated it as such.
it is so good to get away from the daily grind. the studying, the drama, the long hours with nothing gained.... i was screaming overstressed, so the break was good. i did nothing for two days and then went to minneapolis, mn with the fam. i love spending time with them. mom and i spoiled ourselves, considering it was mother's day AND my birthday.... hee hee, i'm 20. and i feel so stinkin' old. but life goes on.... i was my mom's present for the day. awww, sappy.
and yet it's good to be back. i love spending time with w and s and all the kids (and my favorite adult) at work. at least my relationships are intact, even if my grades never will be where i want them to be.... at least i could forget about those for a time.
i can't wait for summer. but i will miss you dearly.... i always miss you. take care.
oh and yes, my life is a delayed reaction. it's those moments when i am always just a little bit behind. will i always....
03 May 2004
last book i've read: china's peasants again
songs on itunes i've been listening to lately: dj shadow and juno reactor
general mood: uninterested
a quote i just thought of: "let's have some new cliches." --samuel goldwyn
oh, don't worry. i'm not interested in the next girl you think you're gonna score with, the number of beers you've had, or that irritating interruption in your day called classes. oh, please, i've heard it too many times. what a traumatic weekend. but how can you say that when you don't even remember? and why do i even try to understand something that isn't close to what i am? and yet i try. oh well. "hate to say i told you so...." (courtesy of the hives)
just venting. this will all pass. i'm sure you won't worry....neither will i.
songs on itunes i've been listening to lately: dj shadow and juno reactor
general mood: uninterested
a quote i just thought of: "let's have some new cliches." --samuel goldwyn
oh, don't worry. i'm not interested in the next girl you think you're gonna score with, the number of beers you've had, or that irritating interruption in your day called classes. oh, please, i've heard it too many times. what a traumatic weekend. but how can you say that when you don't even remember? and why do i even try to understand something that isn't close to what i am? and yet i try. oh well. "hate to say i told you so...." (courtesy of the hives)
just venting. this will all pass. i'm sure you won't worry....neither will i.
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