last book i've read: Born for Liberty: A History of Women in America by Sara M. Evans
music currently caressing my ears: electronic music, mostly of the DJ Shadow brand
general mood: calm and yet bored, discontent, and a little predatory
quote i just thought of: sucking at the quotes lately
Mundane is all I have to report. Right now I want to watch a movie, but Wayland wants to go to bed. HOW LAME. I mean, he's gotta work at 11 am and all, but seriously. It's movie-cuddle time. But oh well. I guess it's bedtime soon. Updating first though, to fight against male paternalistic systematic subordination!!!!!
Last night was anything but mundane. I went to my first bachelorette party last night, courtesy of Natalie Crawford (the bride-to-be) and her TWIN sister, Nicole Crawford. First thing I'm greeted by when I enter the room is a penis straw and my choice of drink to mix. It was great. The amazingly lame and funny puns kept rolling the whole night (A comment on the food: "'I like the little weiners in a blanket' 'You LOVE the little weiners!'", Natalie was eating gummy penises and says "I've got penis stuck in my teeth" in a very even tone as she digs it out). We hung out in Nicole's room until about 11 pm, then went downtown, my first large group bar experience. And quite the experience it was! Natalie doing blowjob shots and attempting to perform the numerous dares required of her, Dao getting wasted on very few drinks, Erin and I sharing a moment of freedom from subordination, and me sipping on a chocolate martini at Raven's as suggested by Wayland's other girlfriend.... man, I gotta do things like this more often. More girls' nights out! Not to mention I saw Kat and a few more thetas while at Raven's. It was good to dance and essentially, be free. And even Wayland came too. I sang for a sub at Jimmy John's and then returned to the room, ate my sub, and slept well. Ahhhh, the joys of being 21.
19 May 2005
Fruhstuck!
last book i've read: Right-Wing Authoritarianism by Robert Altemeyer
music currently caressing my ears: People Under The Stairs, hip-hop!
general mood: calm
quote i just thought of: having a hard time tonight.... fuhgettaboutit.
I went to LI formal last Friday, and I had a blast with Dao, Melissa, Emily, and Kelly. So much fun, dancing, drinking, and meeting boys.... or at least one in particular. Ha. I didn't drink much, an apple martini, an amaretto sour, water, and sips of various drinks from the girls. So, it was good.
But this week has been difficult. This gender studies project is wiping me out, it's so time-consuming. I haven't had time to focus on my other killer project/paper/presentation. This weekend, I got mad shit to do. And I'll do it, it will get done. I just hope I do it well. A page a day and I'll be fine....
And, to top it off, tonight was my first housing experience. I was anxious as could be, but when it was over, I was more than thankful, and ended up with one of my alternate choices: Kohler 214. It works, and it will be so great to have the sink, and Linkie will be nearby in Draheim, and Wayland will be a floor above. No worries. And many good times to look forward to.
So.... procrastinators, unite! ... tomorrow. Oh, and my title means breakfast in German, courtesy o' Wayland.
music currently caressing my ears: People Under The Stairs, hip-hop!
general mood: calm
quote i just thought of: having a hard time tonight.... fuhgettaboutit.
I went to LI formal last Friday, and I had a blast with Dao, Melissa, Emily, and Kelly. So much fun, dancing, drinking, and meeting boys.... or at least one in particular. Ha. I didn't drink much, an apple martini, an amaretto sour, water, and sips of various drinks from the girls. So, it was good.
But this week has been difficult. This gender studies project is wiping me out, it's so time-consuming. I haven't had time to focus on my other killer project/paper/presentation. This weekend, I got mad shit to do. And I'll do it, it will get done. I just hope I do it well. A page a day and I'll be fine....
And, to top it off, tonight was my first housing experience. I was anxious as could be, but when it was over, I was more than thankful, and ended up with one of my alternate choices: Kohler 214. It works, and it will be so great to have the sink, and Linkie will be nearby in Draheim, and Wayland will be a floor above. No worries. And many good times to look forward to.
So.... procrastinators, unite! ... tomorrow. Oh, and my title means breakfast in German, courtesy o' Wayland.
10 May 2005
Life Is Sexually Transmitted
last book i've read: Right-Wing Authoritarianism by Robert Altemeyer
music currently caressing my ears: my onesies playlist - one hit wonders, oldies, or songs that I only have one of - I've got it all!
general mood: indescribable, leaning towards depression
quote i just thought of: how about a whole bunch of bumper sticker quotes! YEAH! 'Stop the violins. Visualize whirled peas.' ' There's too much youth; how about a fountain of smart!' ' The religious right is neither.' ' Nuke the gay unborn baby whales for peace.' ' I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.' ' The #1 cause of divorce is ... Marriage.' ' Life is sexually transmitted!' ' Ignore your rights and they'll go away.'
I turned 21 yesterday. In the wee early morning hours of May 9th (midnight!), Tariq, Wayland, Ilinca and I went to the nearest bar and got a drink. It was sad that most of the bars were closed on Sunday night.... but an Amaretto Sour was all I needed. The night was filled with presents and laughs, but ended quickly, at 1 am. During the evening of the 9th, Wayland had planned to take my out for my birthday to the Melting Pot. We got 'The Big Night Out' dinner - swiss cheese fondue to start, a salad, the main course of steak, chicken, pork, and vegetables to cook, and milk chocolate fondue - I'll never get over how awesome their dessert is! And of course, my first fancy drink - a raspberry martini. It was delicious, and I felt so fancy shmancy just holding the glass. We had an excellent dinner, and I've honestly never ate so much in my life, I felt like I was going to burst. At 11 pm, Tariq took me to the Viking Room (the on-campus bar) and we had an Alabama Slammer. It was a great day, filled with alcoholic delights, but mostly just good company, as usual. No wild drunkness, I'm not the type anyway.
I've been mostly happy since then, although today set me back a couple notches with a friend that was sad and decided to dump it on me. I just wish I had the stomach and the strength to take it, but I don't. It affects me to the point of mimicry - I take on the bad/sad mood and it makes the night less joyful. It just hurts, and makes me feel like less of person: it hurts when you act like you're mad at me, and I didn't do anything wrong. But I've never been one to stand up for even myself.... pour your misery down on me.
I've got so much homework to do. Lately, it's been hitting me how much I have to do. I have a 10-15 page term paper due June 3rd, but a presentation due a week beforehand; I have a gender studies project that I have to do, that is very time-consuming; I have a midterm essay to work on. I should get on that, pronto.... but first, sleep. Sweet, unencumbering sleep. Release me, deliver me from my sadness....
music currently caressing my ears: my onesies playlist - one hit wonders, oldies, or songs that I only have one of - I've got it all!
general mood: indescribable, leaning towards depression
quote i just thought of: how about a whole bunch of bumper sticker quotes! YEAH! 'Stop the violins. Visualize whirled peas.' ' There's too much youth; how about a fountain of smart!' ' The religious right is neither.' ' Nuke the gay unborn baby whales for peace.' ' I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.' ' The #1 cause of divorce is ... Marriage.' ' Life is sexually transmitted!' ' Ignore your rights and they'll go away.'
I turned 21 yesterday. In the wee early morning hours of May 9th (midnight!), Tariq, Wayland, Ilinca and I went to the nearest bar and got a drink. It was sad that most of the bars were closed on Sunday night.... but an Amaretto Sour was all I needed. The night was filled with presents and laughs, but ended quickly, at 1 am. During the evening of the 9th, Wayland had planned to take my out for my birthday to the Melting Pot. We got 'The Big Night Out' dinner - swiss cheese fondue to start, a salad, the main course of steak, chicken, pork, and vegetables to cook, and milk chocolate fondue - I'll never get over how awesome their dessert is! And of course, my first fancy drink - a raspberry martini. It was delicious, and I felt so fancy shmancy just holding the glass. We had an excellent dinner, and I've honestly never ate so much in my life, I felt like I was going to burst. At 11 pm, Tariq took me to the Viking Room (the on-campus bar) and we had an Alabama Slammer. It was a great day, filled with alcoholic delights, but mostly just good company, as usual. No wild drunkness, I'm not the type anyway.
I've been mostly happy since then, although today set me back a couple notches with a friend that was sad and decided to dump it on me. I just wish I had the stomach and the strength to take it, but I don't. It affects me to the point of mimicry - I take on the bad/sad mood and it makes the night less joyful. It just hurts, and makes me feel like less of person: it hurts when you act like you're mad at me, and I didn't do anything wrong. But I've never been one to stand up for even myself.... pour your misery down on me.
I've got so much homework to do. Lately, it's been hitting me how much I have to do. I have a 10-15 page term paper due June 3rd, but a presentation due a week beforehand; I have a gender studies project that I have to do, that is very time-consuming; I have a midterm essay to work on. I should get on that, pronto.... but first, sleep. Sweet, unencumbering sleep. Release me, deliver me from my sadness....
05 May 2005
Wisdom Through Failure (Deliver Me)
last book I've read: Nickel and Dimed: About (Not) Getting By In America, by Barbara Ehrenreich
current tunes: Red Hot Chili Peppers and Brand New
current mood: contemplative
quote I just thought of: Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure. --William Saroyan
I wish I wasn't as emotionally sensitive as I am. During certain times in my life, I am more easily distressed by careless comments made by friends, by strangers, by anyone. I am more than tired of it. It has always plagued me; I never get a break from the sensitivity. I take things personally, I notice hurtful side comments, I notice when someone looks at me the wrong way. And I wish I could make it stop. But alas, it seems I have little control over my own feelings, and thus pay dearly in lost sleep, deep sad thoughts, and passive-aggressive retaliation. Which never satisfies me anyway.
In high school, I met a boy that was like me. His name was Philip, and we had dated briefly our freshman year, and remained friends throughout high school. After we had dated, and as we were becoming better friends, he admitted he was emotionally sensitive too, that girls he dated ended up meaning more to him than he had meant to them, that he too felt strongly about certain things in life, and took things personally, and so on. I had never experienced that before, someone who truly understood what it was like to be a walking open wound. We both admitted we were easily scarred, and compared stories. I don't encounter this type of person frequently, but there are moments when I see friends exhibit such characteristics; however, never to such a degree as Philip and I experienced. And something else he said that day that will forever haunt me, about how he wished he wasn't that way. "Oh, but we need more guys like you! Guys with feelings are hard to find." I retorted. He didn't see it that way. He realized the ease with which he and I were tormented by the various experiences in life, and the way they persisted. From then on, I've silently wished for the same. Of course, relief hasn't come in the form I wish it would, but life goes on. Although difficult at times, somehow life goes on.
Just writing this makes me feel empty, brings tears to my eyes. The thought of not feeling certain things, but then wishing I didn't feel them at all.... the comfort I could sustain! I would be delivered from over-taxation of the amygdala and hypothalamus, and finally rest without hesitation or a second thought. That is what I haven't had in my life since I've rejected Christianity (or should I say since Christianity rejected me): peace. But somehow, becoming emotionless doesn't seem to be the solution to my problems. But sensitivity isn't benefitting me either. Is there no happy medium? I will never know.
I wish I could say "I'm over it" and really mean it. But the damn bundle of nerves that I am never ceases to sensate, and I will continue to rue the day I became self-perceptive.
current tunes: Red Hot Chili Peppers and Brand New
current mood: contemplative
quote I just thought of: Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure. --William Saroyan
I wish I wasn't as emotionally sensitive as I am. During certain times in my life, I am more easily distressed by careless comments made by friends, by strangers, by anyone. I am more than tired of it. It has always plagued me; I never get a break from the sensitivity. I take things personally, I notice hurtful side comments, I notice when someone looks at me the wrong way. And I wish I could make it stop. But alas, it seems I have little control over my own feelings, and thus pay dearly in lost sleep, deep sad thoughts, and passive-aggressive retaliation. Which never satisfies me anyway.
In high school, I met a boy that was like me. His name was Philip, and we had dated briefly our freshman year, and remained friends throughout high school. After we had dated, and as we were becoming better friends, he admitted he was emotionally sensitive too, that girls he dated ended up meaning more to him than he had meant to them, that he too felt strongly about certain things in life, and took things personally, and so on. I had never experienced that before, someone who truly understood what it was like to be a walking open wound. We both admitted we were easily scarred, and compared stories. I don't encounter this type of person frequently, but there are moments when I see friends exhibit such characteristics; however, never to such a degree as Philip and I experienced. And something else he said that day that will forever haunt me, about how he wished he wasn't that way. "Oh, but we need more guys like you! Guys with feelings are hard to find." I retorted. He didn't see it that way. He realized the ease with which he and I were tormented by the various experiences in life, and the way they persisted. From then on, I've silently wished for the same. Of course, relief hasn't come in the form I wish it would, but life goes on. Although difficult at times, somehow life goes on.
Just writing this makes me feel empty, brings tears to my eyes. The thought of not feeling certain things, but then wishing I didn't feel them at all.... the comfort I could sustain! I would be delivered from over-taxation of the amygdala and hypothalamus, and finally rest without hesitation or a second thought. That is what I haven't had in my life since I've rejected Christianity (or should I say since Christianity rejected me): peace. But somehow, becoming emotionless doesn't seem to be the solution to my problems. But sensitivity isn't benefitting me either. Is there no happy medium? I will never know.
I wish I could say "I'm over it" and really mean it. But the damn bundle of nerves that I am never ceases to sensate, and I will continue to rue the day I became self-perceptive.
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