still travelling

last book i've read: alethea by pamela belle
band currently caressing my ears: jars of clay, their newest cd. i recommend "trouble is" and "jealous kind," oh yeah baby.
general mood: slightly anxious, mostly excited
quote i just thought of: can't think of one today.

i had a fantastic time at maryland. the weather is similar to wisconsin, and i had no problem with it, though humid at times. it was green and gorgeous. i was in columbia, as the people i stayed with work in d.c., and must be close enough to commute. john and tari radin were wonderful people, opened their house and their hearts to me with ease, and i really enjoyed myself. the whole family was there - john and tari's three children and their families, and john's sister (peggy) and dea and wayland and me, of course. this made for a whole house full, but it was great. i befriended danielle's daughter of four years, and i almost ended up with a little girl for the flight home. good times.

in two days i will be on a plane to visit california and the radin/britton family one more time this summer. this time wayland and i will definitely be heading to l.a. for a time because i definitely need to hit the beach at least once this summer.

i just wish my friends that are here would let me know how they are. sam is back from camp as far as i know, brandon is around, and melissa tried to call, but to no avail, i missed the call. i don't think i'll be coming home next summer unless i nail an internship i need. as long as i can go to cornerstone, i'm good.

speaking of friends, i did spend time with a wonderful guy - brian vanderkamp. he called me up and gave me the time of day, so i told him we should get together. we did, and it was great. el mezcal for dinner and talk that lead the couple next to us to join in, and the bourne supremacy was fascinating, although not as exciting as the first. and also talking in his driveway for an hour and a half. i'm so glad i can finally talk to someone and not be judged, but with trust, confide in him and know that we are equals. finally....

things are changing. i still struggle mentally with certain issues of my past, and things that will definitely affect my present and future. i'm searching for answers, and i don't know what will happen. my dad says "when you know, you'll know. it will become clear." things are still murky for me, but i hope for the clarity he claims i'll have. i desire to know, to listen. and i pray i'm not wrong.

west coast, east coast, and back again

last book i've read: everything is illuminated by jonathan safran foer
band currently caressing my ears: thursday
general mood: "now i'm angry!" --bop the alligator on the head game
quote i just thought of: absence makes the heart grow fonder. ('til you can't take all the fondness you're attaining!)

so, i have been a travelling fool, let me tell you. i went to california for two weeks, returned and skipped off to chicago with the fam for the weekend, i attended a lovely 4-day music festival called lifest in appleton, wi, and now i will be heading off the maryland for 4 days. my, aren't we busy!

i loved lifest. my mom came with me, and she was the best friend i could have taken along. she was fun, and we had a blast. i saw some pretty awesome bands which i'll name when i have the time. i couldn't have asked for a better time.... except to have attended cornerstone. lifest is about 1/2 as good as c-stone, but i'm glad i got my dose of live music from somewhere.

wayland is turning 21, and i have been invited to attend the celebration in maryland with his family. he has an uncle out in maryland, and of course his mom and sister will be going also. i can't wait - i've never been east, except for florida. i am loving this coast hopping i seem to do so well.

the anger that i speak of from my mood comes from the fact that i feel pretty friendless here at home. i was looking forward to seeing sam and melissa, and when melissa decided to stay in milwaukee, and sam got a boyfriend, i feel like i'm losing them, and i'm not sure how to reverse it. i mean, i've called them both, and it's just so hard to talk to someone you never see. oh well, i'm not perfect, that's for sure. i wish things could just work out for once. when sam decided not to tell me whether she could make it to cornerstone or not, i was hurt. i mean, i would have loved to hear a yes or no, something, anything, but i got nothing. sure i was disappointed, but not letting me know was disheartening. so, i'll just chill out for a while, and see who wants to see me and make that effort, rather than what i perceive to be effort from my end of things. i'm just a big softy, in all the wrong places. ashley, if you ever see this, i just want you to know that i do understand. it's hard to try, and to get nothing back, or what you perceive as nothing back. i'm sorry, so so so so sorry....

but i'm not complaining about being at home. i love travelling places with my family. i just went on a trip to iowa with my dad, a 24-hour trip. it was great - i went to a sleepy little town, was able to get breakfast pizza from a truck stop (which was superb i might add), and see the upper mississippi in all its glory. it was also great just talking to my dad. the same went for lifest with my mom. i love bonding with my parents, they are my best friends.

summer is just about half over, and things are going great. now if only i had some friends here....

atypical chest pains and missing cornerstone

last book i've read: everything is illuminated by jonathan safran foer
music currently caressing my ears: my convalescent playlist (loud)
general mood: jumbly
quote i just thought of: "all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away again." --fuel, from a long time ago

i went to california soon after school let out for the year. i stayed there for two weeks, and naturally i had a good time with excellent company. wayland and sister amadea are good to me, as is their mom, peggy. nice family, good times. geoff, way's good friend, was also there and helped with the move. i helped them move from their house to an apartment in palo alto - they didn't move far. i truly had a good time - lots of eating out, lots of moving boxes, and also many trips to the mall and andronico's that are now 5 minutes away. i could live there if given the chance. i wish!

while there, i acquired atypical chest pains, which required an emergency room visit at the stanford hospital. it seems atypical because even after an EKG, chest x-rays, an intern and doctor examining me, nothing came up as serious, and i was given a perfect bill of health. but, the pain nags on. i've had it for a week now, and it is still constant and painful, about a 4. aleve has helped relieve the pain, but not helped the source of pain itself. i hope it will go away, and soon.

after returning from cali, i went to chicago with the family for the fourth of july. best fireworks show i've ever seen. we also just relaxed, watched movies, ate at portillo's (a family favorite), and chilled in the hot tub. watching fireworks in chicago will probably be a new family tradition.... if i hadn't missed cornerstone this year.

i totally and utterly regret not going to cornerstone this year (muy horrible!). i should have gone, even alone. my good friends brandon and sam ditched me for their girlfriend and boyfriend, respectively. i keep thinking about all the good times i would have had, even if i had gone by myself. at least my father would have accompanied me for part of the time. but, being the girl that i am, i had no friends that agreed to go along, and believed not having friends along would sour my time. i guess we'll never know, but i can say i wish i had gone now. i definitely know better. it hurts thinking about how i missed out on such a potentially amazing time. never again, never again.

i'm glad i know who i am, what i want. enough drama and things that are fake - i know i will strive for clarity and genuine love and honesty with the people around me. otherwise i can do it by myself. hopefully it will not come to that.