last book i've read: Life of Pi by Yann Martel
music currently caressing my ears: still Gnarls Barkley, The Editors, Razorlight, and now Bloc Party
general mood: contemplative
I'm all jumbly inside. It's very difficult to know exactly what I'm thinking and feeling about my relationship at this time. I'm confused, I'm lost, I'm lonely, and yet I keep hoping things will change. I don't know if things will get better. I really don't see how they can't, I'm at the end of my rope. Perhaps things could get worse. I just hope it doesn't come to that. I guess I'm hoping for a miracle. I don't do long distance relationships, and it's taking a toll on me. I don't know whether to laugh or cry, crying seems so much easier in the face of this bitter pain.
He's born a liar, he'll die a liar
Some things will never be different
Three out of five, three out of five (it's not enough)
Six out of ten
Better luck next time
Just like his Dad, just like his Dad (the same mistakes)
Some things will never be different
Are you hoping for a miracle?
--Bloc Party, Helicopter
Unless there's a big change, a big compromise of things, then I forsee continued heartache and frustration. Damn, love really is for suckers.
30 July 2006
13 July 2006
10 July 2006
Changes
last book i've read: Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates by Tom Robbins (a favorite author of mine)
music currently caressing my ears: Gnarls Barkley, The Editors, Razorlight
general mood: contemplative
quote: "Be the change you want to see in the world." and “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” --Mahatma Gandhi
I wish that I could take people at face value. Or maybe I just wish I people did what they say they'll do. I'm sure we've all encountered that friend who makes empty promises: we'll see each other, we'll hang out, we'll do this and that together. Hey, I'm just encouraging honesty. Don't say things you don't mean, don't make promises you don't intend to keep. Then I can get on with my life. Thank you.
Life changes so quickly. In a matter of seconds, things can be so different. Take for example my nine-year-old cousin, Ariana. She was spending time with her sister and her friend. They decided to visit another friend's house. This second friend was someone they were meeting for the first time, and she also had a dog, medium-sized. The dog kept barking, not growling, but seemed okay to pet. The girl told my cousins that her dog had never bit anyone, that it was usually a very nice dog. Lo and behold, my cousin is the first victim of this seemingly nice dog. Ariana was bitten in the face, left with a huge tear from her lip up her cheek. She was rushed to the hospital and received 10 stitches. She will not only have the physical scar for her life, but the newfound fear of seemingly nice dogs. It breaks my heart to have innocent people go through this kind of shit daily, I just don't understand it.
On another tangent, why do Americans insist on independence from family, friends, and loved ones? Why do we think moving away from home and living on our own can be the greatest thing we'll ever experience? Why is dependence on love and financial help and social interactions projected as weak in this society? Another reason I can no longer stand this country. I was watching an orientation video for my newest job at Lutheran Social Services where a high-functioning mentally-ill person said her greatest wish was to live and exist on her own, without help from the people she had come to love at LSS. Why would someone want to leave the relationships one has gained just to claim "I've made it on my own"? Why do we value such loneliness, such weak shows of bravado, such enamored selfishness? I'll never understand the contradictions and ass-backwardness of the American culture. Despite growing up in it.
The bottom line is there is a lot I don't understand. However, a great deal more I wish not to understand. I know who I love and who loves me. I know who is willing to stick it out for me. That handful of people are the ones I care about most. At least I know what to live for.
music currently caressing my ears: Gnarls Barkley, The Editors, Razorlight
general mood: contemplative
quote: "Be the change you want to see in the world." and “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” --Mahatma Gandhi
I wish that I could take people at face value. Or maybe I just wish I people did what they say they'll do. I'm sure we've all encountered that friend who makes empty promises: we'll see each other, we'll hang out, we'll do this and that together. Hey, I'm just encouraging honesty. Don't say things you don't mean, don't make promises you don't intend to keep. Then I can get on with my life. Thank you.
Life changes so quickly. In a matter of seconds, things can be so different. Take for example my nine-year-old cousin, Ariana. She was spending time with her sister and her friend. They decided to visit another friend's house. This second friend was someone they were meeting for the first time, and she also had a dog, medium-sized. The dog kept barking, not growling, but seemed okay to pet. The girl told my cousins that her dog had never bit anyone, that it was usually a very nice dog. Lo and behold, my cousin is the first victim of this seemingly nice dog. Ariana was bitten in the face, left with a huge tear from her lip up her cheek. She was rushed to the hospital and received 10 stitches. She will not only have the physical scar for her life, but the newfound fear of seemingly nice dogs. It breaks my heart to have innocent people go through this kind of shit daily, I just don't understand it.
On another tangent, why do Americans insist on independence from family, friends, and loved ones? Why do we think moving away from home and living on our own can be the greatest thing we'll ever experience? Why is dependence on love and financial help and social interactions projected as weak in this society? Another reason I can no longer stand this country. I was watching an orientation video for my newest job at Lutheran Social Services where a high-functioning mentally-ill person said her greatest wish was to live and exist on her own, without help from the people she had come to love at LSS. Why would someone want to leave the relationships one has gained just to claim "I've made it on my own"? Why do we value such loneliness, such weak shows of bravado, such enamored selfishness? I'll never understand the contradictions and ass-backwardness of the American culture. Despite growing up in it.
The bottom line is there is a lot I don't understand. However, a great deal more I wish not to understand. I know who I love and who loves me. I know who is willing to stick it out for me. That handful of people are the ones I care about most. At least I know what to live for.
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