feels like it's colder than it outta be in march

last book i've read: The Bridge To Terabithia, by Katherine Paterson
currently caressing my ears: silence
general mood: unsettled, moved (nearly to tears), depressed
quote: "Time goes by, life goes on, and all I can think of is why you're gone." --source unknown

Nah, I'm back to that place where I wonder about things that could have been and won't be, back to that hellish questioning indecisive limbo that pokes and prods and damns and never brings clarity, but only most questions, more and more and more. I keep hoping I see the end of the tunnel, but it's always just another craggily turn. It's just my goddamn compass. It keeps pointing to his north.

I know that things are they way they're supposed to be. I am here, and he is there, and our paths cross seldomly but sweetly. But perhaps never the same way as they did before. The gravity is strong, and my heart longs for the ways things were. I guess somedays will always be better than others, but I need more of these days to be good than sad....

The ghost still haunts, the memories blindside, the heartache throbs, the memories don't fade. This isn't going to end anytime soon, is it?

I guess I'll make the most of it.

shredded paper makes me curious

last book i've read: something about flying
currently caressing my ears: marie antoinette soundtrack
general mood: quiet, serene
quote: short on time, so just skipping tonight.

I am finally free. Free of doubt, worry, concern and frustration about my previous relationship. I feel like I say this every other entry, but this time, for real, it is over. And I am happy to say that even though it would have been a great thing had it lasted, I am moving forward with my current love without looking back any longer. I can forge ahead with a clear conscience, and know that whatever passes between us will be in the realm of friendship, without any other tensions to confuse us. I am content to have him as a friend.

I am not angry, nor am I bitter or sad. I am slightly regretful (is that a word?), but know that what ifs never solve anything, but cloud the mind with doubt. And I'm done with doubt. It's caused all of us so much pain. I hope I'm worth it to Andy, I really do.

on the war of hearts, hands, and reason

12.16.07
this ghost town only makes me think of you and the way things used to be.
every street and building. thinking, holding hands, shining faces and slow walks.
haunting me taunting me pushing me on
someday i'll learn to forget

what remains is a heaviness in my chest
the sinking of profound loss
the heart i could never cross

the moment shared, close as we dared
lives and legs entwined. on these cold days i only wish to press rewind
to recapture and find
to end my days and unwind
with your warm arms encircling my tired body

...and....

12.24.07
so the truth comes out, and there's no way out of it
i left the bitter cold only to find
it cannot be ignored; i'm losing my mind
wishing i had two hearts, and left wondering what to do with this ocean

silent second guesses and second glances
i know who i love, but why must love haunt me
shaping endings, stealing parts, how does this one go?
humming tunes we both shared, i miss sharing instead of continually giving, nothing in return.
i miss a lot of things i used to know.
but now i know how this one will go

waves crash upon my shore
the sun dips below the horizon; nevermore
your ghost won't leave me alone
but i've got to let this go
a ship sounds just off shore
the deep bellow of settling.