lucky days

today was not one of my lucky days. it's been forever since i've felt this despondent. truly, it must be withdrawal symptoms from my husband being away the entire weekend, but i wonder. my mind plays tricks, and as much as i attempt to keep the poison out, it slowly creeps in. talking to him will help. i hope.

perhaps i was due for a lonely day. usually being alone emboldens me and i feel free. today there was no such feeling. the multitude of factors contributed: mom leaving and going home, husband away, working on a windy day, thoughts about finances and jobs.

perhaps it's the sunday night blues, cured only by some sorely missed live jazz. and a drink or two. perhaps....

running home drunk at 2am

last book i've read: Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse
currently caressing my ears: pandora.com
general mood: surrounded by love, but lonely at work
quote: “In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged.” --Hans Nouwens

Did I ever tell you how much I love you? And how great life is when I share it with you?

This place I dwell in is the warmest I've been. I see everything more clearly, stars align, hope and dreams are fulfilled, and futures shine bright. I know what I want, and I know which way to go to get it. I sleep better, I walk more carefully, I laugh more often, cry less, find joy in the smallest thing, wear blue laces to match my mood, and take care of myself just a little better.

I'm talking to you as you're drunk and spinning, wishing my arms were around you. And soon they will be.

My wildest dreams have come true, and beyond. And I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna let you wrap your arms around me too. And never let go.

upon review

last book i've read: The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz
currently caressing my ears: the soft purr of a fan
general mood: dreamer's fantasyland, fabulously in love
quote: "Like the voice of a heavenly choir, love's sweet music
flows on." -- Bambi

and....

Nunc Scio Quit Sit Amor --Virgil (latin, now I know what love is)

I just went over 5 years worth of blogging posts, focusing on the last year. It's been the most bipolar of my life, but I learned so much from all the pain. It was so filled with love as well. I've learned how to love without expecting it in return. I've also so joyfully learned what true love is. The kind that sticks with you, leaves you in heaven, allows you freedom and joy, doesn't pull or push you down, but only seeks to lift you up. The kind that is free and unconditional and supportive and not bipolar and gentle and kind ( always kind!) and respectful and sweet. I can't believe how lucky I am.

I never tire of dreaming of Tony. Our conversations are so deep and wonderful, we touch every base and always with such brutal honesty. Our time together is so blessed and creative and supportive, I miss him when I'm not near him. But we bridge the gap easily and without any stress. We comfort one another, build each other up, reveal our souls, and touch each other physically, emotionally, and spiritually all the time. His eyes reveal so much love and care to me. Tony makes me smile, while he smiles til his cheeks hurt. I savor every moment with him, and the love we create doesn't compare to anything I've had before. He brings something so new and amazing and refreshing to the table that I can't even fathom how much I was settling before. We are on another plane of understanding. We speak the same language, we adore the other so endlessly, and I cannot help but glow.

I've never found someone to just play with. Someone who loves as much as I do, and who eminates that love throughout. Now, we play together. And nothing will ruin our fun.

i am through you so i (falling slowly)

last book i've read: Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse
currently caressing my ears: anything with a good, strong beat. Besides the 134-song playlist for Tony.
general mood: deliriously happy
quote: "we are so both and oneful; night cannot be so sky, sky cannot be so sunful; i am through you so i"
--ee cummings

Again. This time, though, unlike any other, I find that this one fits. Perfectly. And even though he may not be perfect (of which I have yet to discover), he's perfect to me. And probably for me.

These puzzles pieces truly fit. And I am in awe. I can't stop smiling, I can't stop thinking of new things to share, I can't stop. He invades every moment of my life, bringing something I've never felt before. And I won't let this one get away, I'm gonna do everything I can to do this one right.

I've never felt so full before. So full of love.

the quarter moon does funny things

i like you.
i like when you twitch after falling asleep
i like the way you smell.
i like when you wear you hat, and what that implies.
i like your face turned towards mine
i like your slow movements
i like you, sure or unsure, awkward, rusty, dorky
i like you smiling or squinting
i like what my body does around you.
i like your dark hair, dark eyes
i like your hands in my hair, breath on my neck
i like you, smoking or not, reserved or not, procrastinating or not
i like your gaze upon my face, your sweet gentle kisses, and the butterflies that travel from my stomach down my leg to my toes.
i like the way you savor every moment, makes me slow down too.
i like the self-control i have around you,
and when you say fuck it
and kiss me hard
and pull me closer
i like it all. i like you.

missing you's the hardest thing to do

last book i've read: rereading Ruiz's The Mastery of Love for only like the fifth time in a year
currently caressing my ears: a playlist of sad songs I made this morning - missing you's the hardest thing to do
general mood: nostalgic, content
quote: "Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart." --Washington Irving

I am surrounded by love. This last week I dipped into a depression I haven't felt in years. I felt low, small, useless, and mostly loveless. That my love was all wrong and hurt and that I only wanted to make things feel good again. It included being haunted by love past. I felt like I could never do anything right, and like I kept screwing up the most important parts of my life. On top of that, work was kicking my butt, I was away from my newest crush after leaving the east coast, and I kept dreaming of things, people, and places far away from where I live now. I was thick in nostalgia.

But I've let it go again. Let go of the feeling like I'm screwing up, and just realizing that it is what it is. Rereading Ruiz is always a good life choice, and the people I surround myself with continually give me a firm foundation to fall back on, a shoulder to cry on, and a kind word to build my poor low soul.

I reconnected with Andy post-tour, he reminds me of why I became healthier and also of how sensual I am; not sexual, but truly how I rely on my senses to guide me. I've spent more time with Tony, who derives as much pleasure from music as I do, who I have an unnatural spiritual connection with, someone I find ease being around and talking to. We're peas in a pod. :) He goes to watch Jazz Orgy with me, and we chat about anything and everything. I love finding kindred spirits.

On an observatory side note, why is that everywhere I go, I find someone I want to share my soul with? Not just ordinary men, but men I am so very intrigued by. I am glad to spread my warmth, sharing's always been my thing.

the littlest birds sing the prettiest songs

last book i've read: The Girl with the Flammable Skirt by Aimee Bender and Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
currently caressing my ears: Pandora.com, the editors radio
general mood: delighted, loved
quote: “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” --Washington Irving

I'll condense the last few months. Andy and I still hang out; I love my friends; I moved into a new place with Kristina, one of my favorites; I have fallen in love twice, fallen out once; and am looking forward to meeting my baby niece Olivia Paige, introduced to this world August 31st. Just another virgo to add to my list of awesome virgos in my life!

In a few days I am road trippin' with my friend Pete. He is one of those phenomenal forces in my life, I don't think he even knows. He just makes me smile and carries me through my worst days. I am such a sucker, but we all kinda knew that....

Kristina is another one of those phenomenal forces in my life. Same thing, carries me through my worst only to shine bright and make me laugh. I moved in with her when things with Wolga didn't work according to plan. As in, the family failed to inform me how deep in demential Wolga was, and thus I would have been taking on another full-time job. Not my cup of tea. Good thing is K needed a roommate, and I was facing homelessness soon if I didn't find somewhere to live. K took me in, and along with Phil, we make a nice little family. Quiet, homebodies, loners at times, but quirky us all the same. K's 21st was some of the most fun I've had in a while. Since then, I've been rollercoastin', but it's been fun for the most part. Just figuring life out, letting it handle me, then taking back the night, taking it all back.

I am currently trying to cleanse, but failing miserably while at work, due to the fact that there is chocolate available for the taking for staff. And my self-control can only handle so much before I give in. To exactly three fun size bags of m&ms and four mini snickers bars. So much for cleaning my body from toxins, so much for discipline!

I've also met some pretty great people in the last few days. I went to New Moon to study flying stuffs and there was a man named Eric Nassau from Ohio just playing guitar and doing his thing. I enjoyed the tunes, not to mention the other cool people I met: Samuel, Jodie, and Tony. New souls to learn from.

And that's the jist of life. I am learning, always learning from others around me. I don't claim to know it all, but my experiences have left me with renewed curiosity in others, and faith that the human spirit is resilient.

bpm

last book i've read: rereading the mastery of love by ruiz
currently caressing my ears: hip hop to blast
general mood: fascination mixed with deep melancholy
quote: “The fascination of what's difficult has dried the sap out of my veins, and rent spontaneous joy and natural content out of my heart.” --William Butler Yeats

Beats per minute (BPM) is a unit typically used as either a measure of tempo in music, or a measure of one's heart rate. A rate of 60 bpm means that one beat will occur every second. One bpm is equal to 1 Hz.

The last 10 months of my life have been the most bipolar I've ever been. And now, without Andy, I hope that ends. I'm used to constant stability, comfort, and consistency with smart suggestions. I just needed to get off the rollercoaster in my mind. Done.

My inner battles consist of learning to be alone, though I've successfully done that before. It's just the demons in my mind telling me how sad I am, when really this is so good for me. He'll be all right, and eventually so will I. Just wish that time was sooner than later. I'm learning patience as well.

One of these days I'll learn to meditate properly!

life's promotion

last book i've read: water for elephants by sara gruen
currently caressing my ears: bloc party and beck's new album modern guilt
general mood: luminous
quote: "Kiss me before it all gets complicated." --bloc party, plans

When I first started with LSS, I thought that position was the most challenging there was: float relief. No set hours, no home program, just filling in hours for other programs. I thought those people were crazy and how could they plan anything?

Until I actually did float relief for a month. Picked up shifts from all over Winnebago county to see where I wanted to work full-time. Picked a program, applied for PMs, and it all worked out. Until I got the itch to move up to float relief, especially after one of my favorite program managers suggested I do that. A little better pay, interesting hours and people to meet, and for me, a sense of accomplishment. I'm doing what I thought I couldn't handle.

So, that's my personal "promotion". I applied for a somewhat more challenging position in my line of work. I'm happy I got it, and that's not the only thing working out for me these days.

I'm also going to try my hand at being a live-in with minimal hands-on care for an 88-year-old lady who lives south of Oshkosh. In exchange for her four daughters collective peace of mind, I get free rent, negotiable utilities, a garage for my car (finally!!), an upper all to myself, and 4 acres to roam. I was just offered that place yesterday. I'm really looking forward to all the cool people I'm going to meet.

Gotta love when the puzzle pieces fit into place.

the definition of disdain

last book i've read: the 10 point list I made for tomorrow's life adventures
currently caressing my ears: my created editors station on pandora.com (currently silversun pickup's lazy eye)
general mood: I was frustrated, disappointed, feeling ugly
quote: "Give me more love or more disdain; the torrid or the frozen zone." --Thomas Carew

n. the feeling that someone or something is unworthy of one's consideration or respect; contempt.
v. consider to be unworthy of one's consideration; refuse or reject out of feelings of pride or superiority.

Now I know, and sure that can't feel good. I guess it's a tad strong. But true? I'm a very sad girl I guess. And your funk magnified my loneliness and insecurities. I wish we spoke the same language, we are on different planes, different levels of existence sometimes. I'm ready to fly away now.