London Calling

last book i've read: A-Z London map book
music currently caressing my ears: The Guess Who
general mood: excited, intimidated, peaceful
quote: Sally, having swallowed cheese
Directs down holes the scented breeze
Enticing thus with baited breath
Nice mice to an untimely death.
--Geoffrey Taylor, Cruel Clever Cat. 1933

So, finally, here I am in London, England. Before London, there was California, the last time I'll be there until Wayland is done in Massachusetts. It was a lovely week, and I'm glad I had the chance to see him before I came here. Then there was home. Home is always comforting. I just wish I could have had more time to be with everyone. Despite that, here I am. In London. Everyday exciting, rainy and bright Londontown. I've already had the chance to, with my aunt, visit the National Gallery and the British Museum. Tonight will be my first night in the London Centre, and tomorrow Brianne, my roommate for the next 3 months, will be here. Woo, excitement. It's also been raining since I arrived. But that's all right, I came prepared. Lichen rainjacket, shoes sprayed with waterproof stuff, and lots of layers. So what if I brought more than they told us to bring, I had my aunt to help me. So what if I don't know 2/3 of the students here, I'll make them be my friends. So what if I miss Wayland, I know I'll see him again. I will, won't I?

Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight. Just 'cuz I'm an old fuddy duddy. And 'cuz I'm a little bit lonely. And 'cuz tomorrow there will be excitement. My first Friday in London. Spent sleeping!

Another Day Down

last book i've read: The History of Love by Nicole Krauss
music currently caressing my ears: Bloc Party, Gnarls Barkley, The Editors, We Are Scientists
general mood: apathetic, loved, still horny
quote: "Are you hoping for a miracle?" --Bloc Party

Today is my dad's birthday. He's 48. He wish he wasn't. Is it so scary to age? Why do we portray aging as a painful, frustrating part of life? Maybe I've seen too many happy old people in my life to count aging as a limiting factor in life. I tried to remind him of the wisdom he's gained. Funny when children need to remind their parents of those things....

I love my roommate, my two awesome jobs, my boyfriend, my parents, and my life. Don't get me wrong, just cuz I'm venting like there's no tomorrow doesn't mean I wake up to the reality of the fact that I'm not done with this life yet. Hate and anger fade, always true with me anyway. Just gotta take it one day at a time.

On a lighter note, I realized I like rosemary foccacia bread. Thank you Atlanta for wonderful tasty bread creations.

Don't Worry 'bout It

last book i've read: just finished The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, working on The History of Love by Nicole Krauss
music currently caressing my ears: still Gnarls Barkley, The Editors, Razorlight, and now Bloc Party
general mood: content, horny, and productive
quote: "Free yourself from negative influence. Negative thoughts are the old habits that gnaw at the roots of the soul." --Moses Shongo, (Seneca) and "Sometimes it's a good day to die, and sometimes it's a good day to have breakfast." --Thomas Builds-the-Fire, from Smoke Signals

Forget melodramatics then, I am mostly content with life. So what if I'm learning the hard way that long distance sucks? There is more to life than crap, and I'm getting beyond all of that. Thank god, I hate the valleys, and it's time for a peak to come my way. I can't wait to join my significant other, enjoying one another in California sun and surf. Until then, I'm so thankful to have a roommate who is sweet, thoughtful, and someone I genuinely like and care about! I recently went out with her, her boyfriend, and her coworkers. It's so nice to be included.

I realized my creative side is running quite dry. I don't write poetry like I used to, and even when I try, it's become a challenge to come up with something thoughtful, something of the caliber I used to write in. It's truly unfortunate; I used to love reading what I wrote, and now, I just miss it. I hope it comes back.

Do me a favor - go out and talk to that person you love, send them a note, an email, a friggin text message if that's what it takes. Just let them know that everything is gonna be all right. It might spare you pain, might spark something wonderful. Despite the fact that love is for suckers, I'm thick in it. I find that the various aspects of our relationship always sustains the positive, everything we have going for us. If only I could remember that all the time. We really have persevered through a lot of situations, some that others would not survive. I feel fortunate to have him. More than fortunate.

Ouch

last book i've read: Life of Pi by Yann Martel
music currently caressing my ears: still Gnarls Barkley, The Editors, Razorlight, and now Bloc Party
general mood: contemplative

I'm all jumbly inside. It's very difficult to know exactly what I'm thinking and feeling about my relationship at this time. I'm confused, I'm lost, I'm lonely, and yet I keep hoping things will change. I don't know if things will get better. I really don't see how they can't, I'm at the end of my rope. Perhaps things could get worse. I just hope it doesn't come to that. I guess I'm hoping for a miracle. I don't do long distance relationships, and it's taking a toll on me. I don't know whether to laugh or cry, crying seems so much easier in the face of this bitter pain.

He's born a liar, he'll die a liar
Some things will never be different
Three out of five, three out of five (it's not enough)
Six out of ten
Better luck next time
Just like his Dad, just like his Dad (the same mistakes)
Some things will never be different
Are you hoping for a miracle?
--Bloc Party, Helicopter

Unless there's a big change, a big compromise of things, then I forsee continued heartache and frustration. Damn, love really is for suckers.

Don't forget - life can change in an instant. All it takes is a distraction, careless words, cavalier hope, and alarming but real circumstances. So be careful, please.

Changes

last book i've read: Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates by Tom Robbins (a favorite author of mine)
music currently caressing my ears: Gnarls Barkley, The Editors, Razorlight
general mood: contemplative
quote: "Be the change you want to see in the world." and “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” --Mahatma Gandhi

I wish that I could take people at face value. Or maybe I just wish I people did what they say they'll do. I'm sure we've all encountered that friend who makes empty promises: we'll see each other, we'll hang out, we'll do this and that together. Hey, I'm just encouraging honesty. Don't say things you don't mean, don't make promises you don't intend to keep. Then I can get on with my life. Thank you.

Life changes so quickly. In a matter of seconds, things can be so different. Take for example my nine-year-old cousin, Ariana. She was spending time with her sister and her friend. They decided to visit another friend's house. This second friend was someone they were meeting for the first time, and she also had a dog, medium-sized. The dog kept barking, not growling, but seemed okay to pet. The girl told my cousins that her dog had never bit anyone, that it was usually a very nice dog. Lo and behold, my cousin is the first victim of this seemingly nice dog. Ariana was bitten in the face, left with a huge tear from her lip up her cheek. She was rushed to the hospital and received 10 stitches. She will not only have the physical scar for her life, but the newfound fear of seemingly nice dogs. It breaks my heart to have innocent people go through this kind of shit daily, I just don't understand it.

On another tangent, why do Americans insist on independence from family, friends, and loved ones? Why do we think moving away from home and living on our own can be the greatest thing we'll ever experience? Why is dependence on love and financial help and social interactions projected as weak in this society? Another reason I can no longer stand this country. I was watching an orientation video for my newest job at Lutheran Social Services where a high-functioning mentally-ill person said her greatest wish was to live and exist on her own, without help from the people she had come to love at LSS. Why would someone want to leave the relationships one has gained just to claim "I've made it on my own"? Why do we value such loneliness, such weak shows of bravado, such enamored selfishness? I'll never understand the contradictions and ass-backwardness of the American culture. Despite growing up in it.

The bottom line is there is a lot I don't understand. However, a great deal more I wish not to understand. I know who I love and who loves me. I know who is willing to stick it out for me. That handful of people are the ones I care about most. At least I know what to live for.

Funny how as of recently my latest posts have been the most depressing I've written. Today, I discovered a lie, deep-rooted again, same problem as before. I get betrayed easily, I give too much of myself. I love how much I hurt by people I love. Guess I'm just vulnerable like that. I hate myself, hate my predicaments. I hate being lied to, and for long periods of time. Goddammit.

Actually, all I really want to do is die.

When I get depressed, I get fucking depressed. It hits me like a brick, and I just get tired of everything in my life. Absolutely everything. Maybe it's the weather, but I also know that certain people in my life are making things difficult. I don't know what else to say, other than I'm tired, and I want to be left alone. Just by this one person (you know who you are). Everyone else keep loving me, cuz god, I need it.

last book i've read: The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
music currently caressing my ears: Yeah Yeah Yeah's Show Your Bones
general mood: i don't know
quote: "Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and rekindles the great." --Comte DeBussy-Rabutin (so I'll never forget)

Ever care for someone more than they care for you? Um, yeah. It sucks, majorly. I feel things more deeply and strongly than most people, so I notice every little fucking thing.... I wish I didn't feel so empty with the sting of rejection. Even a little rejection that others would overlook and discount. I am a bubble, waiting to burst at the slightest sharp touch. I am like this everyday. And I hate it, I'm tired.

Hurricane of Love

last book i've read: Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld (purchased for the layover in Cincinnati)
music currently caressing my ears: Fiona Apple's newest, old Jewel, and Modest Mouse, always
general mood: peaceful, relaxed
quote: "I want you to get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened." --Kirsten Dunst, Elizabethtown

Wow, it's been awhile, sorry 'bout that. Life happens, what can I say. Last term was the most challenging, stressful, and loaded of any I've had at Lawrence - ever. Yeah, it was hard, time-consuming, and fraught with frustration, but now IT'S OVER! And today was met with the start of my second to last term at LU. So, here's a rundown of the last month:
*V-day was fine, Wayland and I got a hotel room at the Copper Leaf. I got my friends presents too, they like me!
*The last three weeks of the last term killed me. I had two 12-15 page papers due and psychopharmacology, which is its own beast. I'm so glad it's over, and my grades keep getting better. It's a relief.
*Spring break! Wayland and I went to the big apple, New York City. We stayed with his mom, visited Dea in Princeton, visited mom's special friend in Philly, and then visited Wayland's teacher and family in Vermont. I loved it all, despite my grumbling and the loooooong hours spend on the train. But man, I love big cities, I like having everything in walking distance. Faves: Serendipity 3, Cafeteria, Westside Market, Balducci's, Mxyplyxyk, Deborah Marquit, Cafe Loup, Wayland's great aunt Anita, the subway, and Avenue Q.

This term will most likely be kinder to me. I plan on going home, spending time with the folks and Tariq, and relaxing myself more often. I can't wait for this! Glad it's happening now. A toast, to the end of my college career.

Mind Your Peas and Cues

last book i've read: House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski (taking a crack at it again)
music currently caressing my ears: mostly Jewel, but it's John Reuben at the moment
general mood: accomplished, optimistic
quote: "I began to see that loneliness is neither good nor bad, but a point of intense and timeless awareness of the self, a beginning which initiates totally new sensitivities and awarenesses, and which results in bringing a person deeply in touch with others in a fundamental sense." --Clark E. Moustakas

Sure, I'm doing fine. But today, I was feeling things, not happy things. It's so strange when you try to do something, and you try, and it just falls apart. And it becomes worthless. It's hard to feel this way. I'm pretty sure I don't have any mental or psychological issues, maybe a little depression here and there, but overall, I'm okay. It's just that I'm what you'd called a "vulnerable" person. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but god, vulnerable hits home like no other term. I guess I'll own it then, because it describes me so well. For example, "i wish i could say i was over it and really mean it. cuz hurting doesn't stop with words...."

I enjoy going out for coffee, especially when I find the thermos of my dreams. Thank you Starbucks, despite selling out and buying coffee beans for far less than their worth. I'm sure I overpaid for the thermos, but it sure is gorgeous. Didn't think a thermos could be beautiful? Go to Starbucks then, see their new Valentine's product line. It's so colorful, and it's perfect. Functional and it reeks of my taste. It's lovely.

Oh, I just realized. You don't have to worry about Wayland and me; that is all fine. Some of my recent away messages made Heath, for example, worried about our relationship. No, everything is fine with Wayland, it usually is. He's stable, there, catches me, carries me, and any other sappy thing you can think of. Without him, I'm pretty sure I could be deep in depression. No pressure or anything.... but I love him dearly.

I'm hatching Valentine's Day plans. Not just for him, by the way. Oh, we'll see what I get around to and how much stuff costs, but if I have money, I'll spoil whomever I can. I love Valentine's Day, even the times I've spent it alone.

New term, no time

last book i've read: A Primer of Drug Action by Robert M. Julien
music currently caressing my ears: Hetzler's voice (not exactly music to anyone's ears)
general mood: accomplished, productive
quote i just thought of: "To see a world in a grain of sand, and a heaven in a wild flower, hold infinity in the palm of your hand, and eternity in an hour." --William Blake

Classes began January 4th, and I have Research Methods in Cultural Anthropology, Psychopharmacology, and Senior Seminar in Psychology. I can just see the difficulty I will face this term. I have huge papers for two classes due, plus psychopharm. will be challenging. But, the term has just begun, better not worry just yet. I'm surviving so far. Besides the work, this term is going well. I hope I can keep it up.

This past weekend I had a blast going to Ski Brule in the U.P. of Michigan. I rented a chalet for 3 nights, and invited Wayland, Heath, Veronica, Shuan, Ilinca, and a new friend named Sara to came along for skiing, eating, and shenanigans. It was awesome. Heath and Veronica made raclette (raclette cheese and potatoes, a Swiss dish) for dinner one night on Heath's fancy raclette grill, that was probably one of the best dinners I've had in a long time. We drove into Iron River for groceries and an ATM, even stopped for dinner at The Depot, which is a train car made into a restaurant. Very awesome. And the skiing, oh my, that was amazing. My mom and dad managed to make it up on Sunday to join us, and I got in a good hour with my dad. But everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. It was just an all-around awesome weekend. Too bad we hadn't been doing this every year.

I must get back to typing up notes.... ah, the insanity begins.