Going to bed after this

last book i've read: one for psychopharm
music currently caressing my ears: 5 star tunes playlist
general mood: quiet, sleepy
quote i just thought of: I'm tired

Quick update. I love Tariq uncontrollably. I miss Wayland and Ilinca. I'm glad I got to see Catie in the twin cities, but I miss her too. I hope that when I talk to Sam, it's all good. I hope Brian calls me soon, we're going to watch the movie Quills (hope it's good). My mom and I love to hang out and watch movies together. My dad eats a lot of food, especially over the holidays. I hope it doesn't kill him someday. I am really enjoying my break, but the awareness that it will end soon makes me frown. I need more breaks. And I love my friends. What would I do without them.

I've had to cough lately, hope I don't have a cold starting. I shouldn't, I drink tons of orange juice. I've watched The Skeleton Key, Bewitched, Must Love Dogs, Coach Carter, and The Exorcism of Emily Rose all in 4 days. I got Victoria's Secret pajamas, a new printer/copier/scanner, and olive green nubuck and shearling Born boots for Christmas. And money, I needed that. I was going broke from shopping. I can't wait to give my friends their presents. I like having a second Christmas!

I'm scared for next term, but I'll work hard to do well. I hope it pays off. Good luck to me.

I have a ski trip and hopefully a Coldplay concert to look forward to. Here's to a happy next term and new year!

Vegetating is me

last book i've read: Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak
music currently caressing my ears: still Modest Mouse, the earlier stuff.
general mood: calm, pensive
quote i just thought of: "The beast in me is caged by frail and fragile bars."--Johnny Cash

It's the first monday of winter break. I already miss Wayland, but look forward to spending time with Tariq in Wausau (he got a job as a sports writer for the Wausau Daily Herald) and Sam. I don't know when her break starts. But man, it's been an exciting month since I last updated. Exciting, stressful, all that.

I worked very hard the last month of classes to do well in my psychology of gender and ethnographic writing classes. My medical anthropology class is another beast all its own, what with a semi-incompetent professor who can't give clear, direct instructions, but besides that, I ended the term with a bang. In my GPA, hopefully. Also, to my utter delight, our research methods study was published in Psychology of Women quarterly, you can see the abstract here if you're curious. It seems that Good Morning America will be doing a piece on it, according to Prof. Glick, and he's had PR heaven/hell since the study has been published and publicized. Apparently dressing sexy in the workplace is a big deal, and I can't decide if our study reaffirms or challenges traditional gender roles. People are saying that the study confirms their belief that women are being treated unfairly, which make people aware of their biases when hiring. This could lead to better application and interviewing strategies, and ultimately help women further themselves in the workplace. However, it may also lead people to claim that women shouldn't be dressing the way they want to, that they must dress and act conservatively if they expect to do well in the workplace. Or that they shouldn't be in the workplace at all, which could be a step back for women. I hope the former occurs rather than the latter.

Catie and I are close friends now, and I won't hide my joy - I'm happy to have her in my life more than ever before. I like her style, her sensitivity, her straightforward manner of confrontation, and her ability to feel comfortable in almost any situation, which in turn empowers me. Guess I like having friends, what can I say?

I miss Wayland and Tariq. Tariq will be a piece of cake to visit, I have no problems visiting him in Wausau. But Wayland is half a country away; it's more difficult to hold his attention when everyone is vying for it. And soon he'll be in Hawaii.... again. So I can only sit back and reminisce with pictures at this point. Meh, it was gonna happen. If only I knew how to deal with distance, you'd think I would know after 3 years.

Hopefully Tariq and I will hit the martini lounge as soon as he has a day off. It'll be good to hang out with him again. In Wausau! Does it get any better than that? I'm such a sap, I just realized. As if I didn't know.... I forsee good things in my future, even boredom can be a good thing. Makes you think long and hard about the things of life. Like I don't do that enough already. Anyway, here's to a welcome break and relaxing one. With friends!

On Pride and the Rolling of Emotions

last book i've read: The Woman in the Body by Emily Martin
music currently caressing my ears: Modest Mouse, the earlier stuff.
general mood: jubilant, mellow
quote i just thought of: "you're ALASKAN for it!" --The Evan Anthem

It's hard to keep up with those doing the labeling, isn't it? You're female, lower-middle-class, you've got long hair, you were pretty things, you act silly around boys, and you are quiet (at times). What does it mean to be female? I believe in social constructionism; how can you believe we are essentially male or female when there are so many who easily bend and break the "gender rules"? Even among those of us who adhere to those rules, they bend them sometimes. Be yourself, but remember who created you: your society, your culture.

I loved seeing my brother in San Diego. I'll give you the long detailed version just for kicks. The plane ride from MSP to SAN was fine. We went at night, and upon arrival, the bay shone with lights all around it. Beautiful, that California. After my dad stopped stressing out about driving in California and we finally made it to the base, we cozied into our rooms and slept. The next morning, there was to be a motivational run with all the recruits showing off their toned bodies and then the emblem ceremony that marks them as Marines. This wasn't graduation yet, but after the ceremony, they were allowed liberty (couldn't leave the base, but could roam around with us) for 5 hours. It was wonderful to sit and talk to him after 3 months of letters. We were more than bursting with pride, and our compliments and congratulations were many. While roaming the base, we happened upon many neat stores with USMC hats, sweatshirts, and the like. Needless to say, we were good consumers, and I ended up with a Marine sweatshirt, hat, mug, and flag. My brother rocks my world....

The graduation itself was amazing too. All that they had worked for culminated into an hour-long ceremony complete with a marching band. They marched perfectly, moved in formations, and became Marines. Nothing beats the moment it becomes official, and we couldn't have been more proud. After the ceremony, we hugged, cried, and headed to our hotel in San Diego for a few nights of exploring the city. It was so good to have my brother back, for a little while at least. The next day, we visited the San Diego Zoo. It was amazing to see those animals, I haven't been to a zoo in such a long time. It was neat, I felt like a kid again. The last day, we flew out early and headed for home. We did stop at the Mall of America to buy my brother a new video iPod, which I got to fill with my music. I'm glad he has something to look at and listen to when he needs to. It was great to give him that. I'm just happy he got something he really wanted. And I miss that kid like none other. Currently, he is back at base, and going through further MCT. I hope he does well, and is well. I love him.

My job at Project Bridges is still wild and crazy - every day, the kids find a way to annoy the crap out of me, but I manage to brush it off and continue on. The stress overwhelms me at times, but the rewards of a child's love seems worth it. I enjoy my job very much, for the most part!

Right now, I miss Food Network, my kitty (though Catie's cat Sophia is amazing), and California sunsets. Can't wait til I have my own place with my own kitties in California. Dream on.

Breaking Dichotomies

last book i've read: Infections and Inequalities: The Modern Plague by Paul Farmer (book is changing my life, by the way, at least affecting me deeply)
music currently caressing my ears: Thievery Corporation, anything electronic, good study tunes
general mood: cheerful, hopeful
quote i just thought of: "like a solitary popsicle dripping in the sun, my heart puddles for you." --Sean Dobson, magnetic poetry

I'm sure you're just dying to find out about the whole crush thing.... well, honestly, I think I'm over it. Not because he stopped being so charming, but I realized my home is with the one I love dearly, that being my buddy, of course. Right now, no one can touch that (except perhaps my favorite aging raging sports writing Indian, of course). Sometimes it takes a kick in the pants to realize all the good things you have, and what you're not willing to lose. I choose you, love.

My life is going pretty well, at the moment. We're not far enough into the year for me to judge my grades at this point, but things look okay for the most part. I recently got a new job at a day care/preschool for little ones. I am an assistant teacher in the Maples room, which is primarily 3-year-olds, and a few 4-year-olds. God, I love my job, despite them being complete monsters sometimes. It's a hard age to deal with, but I'm learning, and enjoying it! I've also picked up all their bad little habits, such as calling people poopyheads, spilling everything in sight, and whining everytime I don't get my way. It's so great....

I should be studying for a midterm in Psychology of Gender right now.... but I'm a bad girl, as we previously discussed. I think I'm actually afraid to study. It's gonna be a hardcore exam, multiple choice and essays will abound. And Haines isn't very forgiving. I can only hope that my cramming tonight will be sufficient. I hope I do well. I hope all this hope doesn't let me down.

On happier notes, this weekend will be fun if all goes according to plan. Tomorrow I don't have to work, so I'm probably going shopping with Linkie. At night, Tariq and I will go to Famous Dave's and consummate our love for each other (too bad Wayland is going too, so maybe next time, Tarqie). Later, Wayland and I will go spend my parent's money on a movie they specifically told us to watch and even donated money to the cause. They were delighted with the movie Elizabethtown, and hope we will also. I think it's gonna be great, so I'm excited. Hope big lug is too. Saturday is Linkie's birthday, so some celebrating is in order! First a surprise for her, set up by Catie, and dinner at night with friends. I think this weekend will be the break I needed from midterm stress. I heart friends.

My Wild Heart, Put In Its Place

last book i've read: Making the Body Beautiful: A Cultural History of Aesthetic Surgery
music currently caressing my ears: The Shins
general mood: floating
quote i just thought of: "You can't separate peace from freedom because no one can be at peace unless he has freedom." --Malcolm X

I have a wild, open, fantastying heart that I admit is somewhat out of place at the moment. Currently all my boyfriends are at odds with one another, and one isn't even aware he's my boyfriend.... so I guess that leaves us all feeling alone.

I have not only talked to my crush, but have hung out with him on multiple occasions. The fantasy continues to grow in my mind, and the crush also spills forth in our conversations. Uh oh, what do I do when the shit hits the fan? And yet he doesn't budge, isn't jealous. I'll never understand that one, other than extreme confidence in his affections for me, and mine for him. But I feel myself waving like a flag in the wind.... not sure which way it's blowing now. Will my heart survive all this emotion?

And then the shit hit the fan....

Her green plastic watering can
For her fake chinese rubber plant
In fake plastic earth.
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plants
Just to get rid of itself.
And it wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out.

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns.
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins.
And it wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out.

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love.
But I can’t help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out.

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted,
All the time, all the time.
--radiohead, fake plastic trees

i can't help feeling like i'm so fake, so unaware, avoiding the pain i caused you. thinking i could have it all, but i can't, life doesn't work that way. how selfish of me. and i want to stop hurting you.

i am very much alone. it wears me out....

a quickie

I met a guy Saturday night. I know this might sound dumb since I have a boyfriend whom I love dearly, but this guy was just someone who caught my eye. He was gentle, kind, thoughtful, even though slightly inebriated as I was. Yet he looks away now, I haven't had the chance to talk to him while sober. I hope I get the chance. He seems like someone I could be friends with. And different from any guy I've met. We shall see. Interesting, these boys.... guess I can't help myself. Oh, don't be jealous, don't forget I love you.

I love friends

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Compassion and Proof

last book i've read: Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak and The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf
music currently caressing my ears: Our Lady Peace, yum
general mood: determined, alone
quote i just thought of: "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." --The Dalai Lama

Finally moved into my single in Kohler. Man, is it nice to have a room to myself. Roommates are cool and all, but nothing beats a nice quiet evening with myself. Not that I don't love company, don't get me wrong! I hope to have plenty of visitors. Hopefully I can dupe a few into visiting....

Classes start the 21st, ugh. I guess it had to start sometime. Maybe the school year and extra term will go by quickly, as it usually does, and I can figure out what to do with the rest of my life after Lawrence. I have dreams of British Columbia, or Mexico, or at least joining an activist group and doing some wild things. But, gotta graduate first. Senioritis so soon? Damn. Perhaps drinking will fix that.... it'll be good to get out with my friends again.

I'm listening to a song that's screaming "we're all innocent..." Funny how that goes quickly. I admire my 8-year-old twin cousins and their courage, but also their ability to have no inhibitions when it comes to self-worth. They know they're loved, they don't have to question it. Being young garners attention, and they are sure good at basking in it. I miss that. Miss not thinking about things as much as one does. God, I'd give anything to help the billions of people in poverty, to get rid of Pres. Bush and his lame excuses, to somehow figure out the system and work with it instead of against it. But wouldn't want to cop out either, who wants to be like everyone else.... all I want are people I can relate to, people I can be with, enjoy this time on earth with. That's pretty much it. Simple, yet there must be something wrong with me when all I love seems to go away.

My great-grandma died Sept. 8th. She was old, 90-something, so we all knew it was coming. It just hurts all the same, not having that person to talk to and visit with. I spent a few days contemplating life down at her farm two summers ago. She made awesome homecooked meals, and I'm glad I did that when I did. However, it's proof that innocence is lost. Thorn to my side, it never goes away. Loss and losing again. Welcome to real life, the real world. We live, we love, we lose.

Hopefully I can get over myself and my sorrows and move on, do something right for a change.

Summer, Pt. 2

last book i've read: Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak
music currently caressing my ears: some Coldplay, some football
general mood: gone
quote i just thought of: n/a

After Cancun, I had California to look forward to. The most unexpected death of my uncle Greg caused a huge dent in my short-lived happiness, but thank goodness I was around to at least go to the wake and funeral. He passed away August 1st, I left for California August 9th. It was a welcome vacation from the reality that never ceases to laugh in my face.

I was in California for nearly a month. The weather was great, being with Wayland was the best, spending time with his family was fun. However, I've slipped back into my unwelcome old habit. My self-esteem is nearly nonexistent and I see no end to this tunnel. I'm sorry I must dump this here, or maybe I'm not sorry, it's going here anyway.

We visited The Bead Shop and I bought beads and empty earring loops with which to make my own earrings. Wayland and I went to a Giants game in San Francisco; they lost against the Rockies. We went around SF to Ghirardelli square, Pier 39, Fisherman's Wharf, taking the trolley to get places. We chilled in the apartment, cooking chicken and watching food network and doing nothing important. Best of all, we went to Las Vegas, thanks to his dad. We stayed with Layne's girlfriend, who was very courteous (and well off, needs to be said). The house was beautiful, the view of the strip was wonderful, and then staying at Caesar's Palace for three nights was an experience. I'll never know what it is to be rich enough not to worry about money, but I had a taste of it then. I am spoiled, and wonder about the things I receive, wondering if I was worth it at all. It was fun while it lasted. We watched three shows while there: blue man group, cirque du soleil's ka, and jubilee, all with their own style and purpose - I loved it.

I had fun in California. Now if only I could stay there, and not worry about school or grades or future or life, in general.

Summer, Pt. 1

last book i've read: The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides
music currently caressing my ears: the ocean, baby
general mood: cheerful
quote i just thought of: "Bungry bungry hippos," and "We'll blame it on the teradactyl."--Brandon, one of the prettiest Texan boys I've ever met

My favorite season, for reasons that include expensive travel, loads of freedom, and warmth. My summer began by going home, which eventually leads to boredom. Home is great - I am surrounded by people I love and who care for me, but somehow, when they're all at work, I find myself doing things I don't usually do while at school. Like watch TV, for example. So, with nothing to do around the house, I look to creating my own fun, as in gallavanting across the U.S. and Mexico too. So far, it's been busy.

My first big trip was to Cornerstone, a Christian music festival in Bushnell, Illinois that I always attend, except for last year. It's a weeklong camping/music/whatever you want it to be event that I can't bear to miss. I derive much pleasure from seeing my favorite bands live, discovering new ones, and even the food available on the grounds. This year my new friend from Lawrence, Megan Severson, decided to accompany me, which was truly a joy. She made camping fun, and even taught me a few tricks in camping that hadn't occurred to me as she is the more avid camper. We made turkey and celery wraps using flour tortillas, and I will never forget that one! Delicious. Also, our favorite neighbors were from Texas, who, being of the freshly graduated from high school crowd, proved not only immature, but highly entertaining and friendly. Not only was there hilarity in their actions (starting fires on their bodies, running and diving into shallow water), but in their numerous stories from Texas (teachers from h.s., work stories, I'll never forget Martin's "caught young'uns doing it behind the theater story). The only mature one of that group was Moby, 23, and proved to be the big teddy bear type of guy. Love those guys! Also, not to mention there was fabulous music going on that whole week, starting with these bands: Black Tie Suicides, The Evan Anthem, Ethan Durelle, Jars of Clay, Relient K, Roper, Mid-America, The Huntingtons, and many many more. Needless to say, I'm sure Megan would like to return to continue her education in the Christian music scene and also to delight in the wonderful community that Cornerstone never fails to attract.

Upon arriving at home, I still was left with little to do but wait until my next move. Which didn't take long. The family and I had been planning a trip to either Florida or Mexico before Michael leaves for the Marines, and finally decided on Cancun. A week after returning from C-stone, here I am, staring at the most wonderful sunset from my oceanside room, dreaming of things far away, of ocean spray on my face, and of the delicious restaurants we will surely visit. Yes, food is a big deal to us, and authentic Mexican is one of my favorites (can't help that!). I plan on indulging as much as I can, who knows when I'll be back. We have already swam in the Atlantic and gotten Yucatecan food for our first meal here in Cancun. We plan to visit Cozumel, Playa del Carmen, perhaps Merida (my mother's hometown). I am also happy I can relax, read a book, and still enjoy the sun. I'm very excited to be here - the week has only just begun. We will be returning July 18. Too soon!

Oh, that was so real....

last book i've read: Porn Studies, editor Linda Williams
music currently caressing my ears: anything and everything Jeff Buckley
general mood: chipper
quote i just thought of: "Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state, how often must it love, how often hate! How often hope, despair, resent, regret, conceal, disdain, do all things but forget." --Alexander Pope

So Real
(Jeff Buckley / Michael Tighe)
Love, let me sleep tonight on your couch
And remember the smell of the fabric
Of your simple city dress
Oh... that was so real

We walked around 'til the moon got full like a plate
The wind blew an invocation and I fell asleep at the gate
And I never stepped on the cracks 'cause I thought I'd hurt my mother
And I couldn't awake from the nightmare that sucked me in and pulled me under
Pulled me under
Oh... that was so real
I love you, but I'm afraid to love you

My finals week has been the best so far in my Lawrence career. Total # of times spent having dinner with friends this week: four. Total # of hours spend studying: zero. Total # of finals: 1/2, if you consider an optional 2-3 book review essay a final! (I don't)

In an effort to stay on campus without having to deal with housing, Wayland and I are now commencement ushers. Yup, making sure all the folks find their seats, answering any questions, and pretending to pay attention to the 3 hour ceremony. All for the joys of remaining in Hiett with my significant other. Oh, and perhaps also to see friends graduate.... how can I forget Tariq and Megan, yay. It's weird to see another year go by, rather quickly at that, and to be able to say "I'm a senior." Ew. Old, that's all one gets, isn't it. Well, may as well be hot in the process (joking, joking). :)

Summer plans? Well, in theory, they go as follows: Cornerstone - June 28-July 4, family trip to Mexico - July 12-21, California - August 16-September 14, and there's probably a trip to Milwaukee and Appleton in there too. Who knows what else will happen this summer? It seems I have so much to do and very little summer to do it in! I look forward to it, all of it. If only one's life could be spent enjoying the earth through travelling and not having to worry about silly things like money. I don't have a lot, but I seem to spend my fair share anyway.

Time for a donut and a shower, then work. Making money money money.... Lawrence, I fare thee well. For the summer, anyway. Here's to summer!

Not Again....

Well I heard there was a secret chord
that David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do ya?
Well it goes like this,
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah...

Well your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya
And she tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah...

(Yeah but) Baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, (You know)
I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
and love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah...

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me do ya
But remember when I moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah...

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelu...
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelu...
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

Hallellllluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuujjjaahhhh...Hallelllluuuuuujjaaaaaaaaaahhhh

--jeff buckley's version of hallelujah


why can't life be fair, you know, once in a while? why can't i have normal friends, ones that don't pursue extraneous doomed-to-fail relationships with people that pretend to care.... why can't i find someone who is also willing to give a little? instead of continuously take.... perhaps that was the one reliable thing christianity once gave me: honest, peaceful reality. i'm not saying that i'm the perfect friend by any means.... but what happened to equality, to thoughtfulness? i'm tired of so much egocentricity. dammit, i'm just tired.

Six Days (great DJ Shadow song, also that many 'til freedom)

last book i've read: Born for Liberty: A History of Women in America by Sara M. Evans
music currently caressing my ears: electronic music, mostly of the DJ Shadow brand
general mood: calm and yet bored, discontent, and a little predatory
quote i just thought of: sucking at the quotes lately

Mundane is all I have to report. Right now I want to watch a movie, but Wayland wants to go to bed. HOW LAME. I mean, he's gotta work at 11 am and all, but seriously. It's movie-cuddle time. But oh well. I guess it's bedtime soon. Updating first though, to fight against male paternalistic systematic subordination!!!!!

Last night was anything but mundane. I went to my first bachelorette party last night, courtesy of Natalie Crawford (the bride-to-be) and her TWIN sister, Nicole Crawford. First thing I'm greeted by when I enter the room is a penis straw and my choice of drink to mix. It was great. The amazingly lame and funny puns kept rolling the whole night (A comment on the food: "'I like the little weiners in a blanket' 'You LOVE the little weiners!'", Natalie was eating gummy penises and says "I've got penis stuck in my teeth" in a very even tone as she digs it out). We hung out in Nicole's room until about 11 pm, then went downtown, my first large group bar experience. And quite the experience it was! Natalie doing blowjob shots and attempting to perform the numerous dares required of her, Dao getting wasted on very few drinks, Erin and I sharing a moment of freedom from subordination, and me sipping on a chocolate martini at Raven's as suggested by Wayland's other girlfriend.... man, I gotta do things like this more often. More girls' nights out! Not to mention I saw Kat and a few more thetas while at Raven's. It was good to dance and essentially, be free. And even Wayland came too. I sang for a sub at Jimmy John's and then returned to the room, ate my sub, and slept well. Ahhhh, the joys of being 21.

Fruhstuck!

last book i've read: Right-Wing Authoritarianism by Robert Altemeyer
music currently caressing my ears: People Under The Stairs, hip-hop!
general mood: calm
quote i just thought of: having a hard time tonight.... fuhgettaboutit.

I went to LI formal last Friday, and I had a blast with Dao, Melissa, Emily, and Kelly. So much fun, dancing, drinking, and meeting boys.... or at least one in particular. Ha. I didn't drink much, an apple martini, an amaretto sour, water, and sips of various drinks from the girls. So, it was good.

But this week has been difficult. This gender studies project is wiping me out, it's so time-consuming. I haven't had time to focus on my other killer project/paper/presentation. This weekend, I got mad shit to do. And I'll do it, it will get done. I just hope I do it well. A page a day and I'll be fine....

And, to top it off, tonight was my first housing experience. I was anxious as could be, but when it was over, I was more than thankful, and ended up with one of my alternate choices: Kohler 214. It works, and it will be so great to have the sink, and Linkie will be nearby in Draheim, and Wayland will be a floor above. No worries. And many good times to look forward to.

So.... procrastinators, unite! ... tomorrow. Oh, and my title means breakfast in German, courtesy o' Wayland.

Life Is Sexually Transmitted

last book i've read: Right-Wing Authoritarianism by Robert Altemeyer
music currently caressing my ears: my onesies playlist - one hit wonders, oldies, or songs that I only have one of - I've got it all!
general mood: indescribable, leaning towards depression
quote i just thought of: how about a whole bunch of bumper sticker quotes! YEAH! 'Stop the violins. Visualize whirled peas.' ' There's too much youth; how about a fountain of smart!' ' The religious right is neither.' ' Nuke the gay unborn baby whales for peace.' ' I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.' ' The #1 cause of divorce is ... Marriage.' ' Life is sexually transmitted!' ' Ignore your rights and they'll go away.'

I turned 21 yesterday. In the wee early morning hours of May 9th (midnight!), Tariq, Wayland, Ilinca and I went to the nearest bar and got a drink. It was sad that most of the bars were closed on Sunday night.... but an Amaretto Sour was all I needed. The night was filled with presents and laughs, but ended quickly, at 1 am. During the evening of the 9th, Wayland had planned to take my out for my birthday to the Melting Pot. We got 'The Big Night Out' dinner - swiss cheese fondue to start, a salad, the main course of steak, chicken, pork, and vegetables to cook, and milk chocolate fondue - I'll never get over how awesome their dessert is! And of course, my first fancy drink - a raspberry martini. It was delicious, and I felt so fancy shmancy just holding the glass. We had an excellent dinner, and I've honestly never ate so much in my life, I felt like I was going to burst. At 11 pm, Tariq took me to the Viking Room (the on-campus bar) and we had an Alabama Slammer. It was a great day, filled with alcoholic delights, but mostly just good company, as usual. No wild drunkness, I'm not the type anyway.

I've been mostly happy since then, although today set me back a couple notches with a friend that was sad and decided to dump it on me. I just wish I had the stomach and the strength to take it, but I don't. It affects me to the point of mimicry - I take on the bad/sad mood and it makes the night less joyful. It just hurts, and makes me feel like less of person: it hurts when you act like you're mad at me, and I didn't do anything wrong. But I've never been one to stand up for even myself.... pour your misery down on me.

I've got so much homework to do. Lately, it's been hitting me how much I have to do. I have a 10-15 page term paper due June 3rd, but a presentation due a week beforehand; I have a gender studies project that I have to do, that is very time-consuming; I have a midterm essay to work on. I should get on that, pronto.... but first, sleep. Sweet, unencumbering sleep. Release me, deliver me from my sadness....

Wisdom Through Failure (Deliver Me)

last book I've read: Nickel and Dimed: About (Not) Getting By In America, by Barbara Ehrenreich
current tunes: Red Hot Chili Peppers and Brand New
current mood: contemplative
quote I just thought of: Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure. --William Saroyan

I wish I wasn't as emotionally sensitive as I am. During certain times in my life, I am more easily distressed by careless comments made by friends, by strangers, by anyone. I am more than tired of it. It has always plagued me; I never get a break from the sensitivity. I take things personally, I notice hurtful side comments, I notice when someone looks at me the wrong way. And I wish I could make it stop. But alas, it seems I have little control over my own feelings, and thus pay dearly in lost sleep, deep sad thoughts, and passive-aggressive retaliation. Which never satisfies me anyway.

In high school, I met a boy that was like me. His name was Philip, and we had dated briefly our freshman year, and remained friends throughout high school. After we had dated, and as we were becoming better friends, he admitted he was emotionally sensitive too, that girls he dated ended up meaning more to him than he had meant to them, that he too felt strongly about certain things in life, and took things personally, and so on. I had never experienced that before, someone who truly understood what it was like to be a walking open wound. We both admitted we were easily scarred, and compared stories. I don't encounter this type of person frequently, but there are moments when I see friends exhibit such characteristics; however, never to such a degree as Philip and I experienced. And something else he said that day that will forever haunt me, about how he wished he wasn't that way. "Oh, but we need more guys like you! Guys with feelings are hard to find." I retorted. He didn't see it that way. He realized the ease with which he and I were tormented by the various experiences in life, and the way they persisted. From then on, I've silently wished for the same. Of course, relief hasn't come in the form I wish it would, but life goes on. Although difficult at times, somehow life goes on.

Just writing this makes me feel empty, brings tears to my eyes. The thought of not feeling certain things, but then wishing I didn't feel them at all.... the comfort I could sustain! I would be delivered from over-taxation of the amygdala and hypothalamus, and finally rest without hesitation or a second thought. That is what I haven't had in my life since I've rejected Christianity (or should I say since Christianity rejected me): peace. But somehow, becoming emotionless doesn't seem to be the solution to my problems. But sensitivity isn't benefitting me either. Is there no happy medium? I will never know.

I wish I could say "I'm over it" and really mean it. But the damn bundle of nerves that I am never ceases to sensate, and I will continue to rue the day I became self-perceptive.

My Life In A Broken Nutshell

Sometimes we're immature, sometimes we do stupid things. Sometimes life isn't fair, sometimes there are things we can't change. Or change is hard to face. Maybe it's too hard to face the things about ourselves that hurt the most, or tell us the most about ourselves. The truth may be more than one can bear.... alone, anyway. And oh god, when you attempt to say you're sorry.... when it hurts more to hear you say that, and when I'm not willing to accept it. You think it's that easy.... after all the shit, all the cruel things you've said, the pain you made me feel. But perhaps I'm just projecting, and perhaps you're right. You're always right. And sometimes I hate you for it! I feel so small, so worthless, and it's so pointless. Just less in general. Much less.

Another thing I hate is when you leave yourself open - for a relationship, for something meaningful - and you get nothing in return. It feels like rejection, although it's more likely that the other person is so oblivious they have no idea. Which seems somewhat ridiculous to me, but whatever, it's plausible. Damn those people that don't get it. That don't get when you're open to a relationship, be it platonic or love. I gave you that. And you know what you did? Just that - you shit on it. It's so hard to articulate exact feelings, but here, let me try: FUCK YOU. Cuz that's how I've felt about it for a while now. I told you I wanted to be close, that it meant a lot to me. Well, a lot has changed since then. And it shouldn't surprise you. You never reciprocated, never even attempted to show that you too cared. Fine, have it your way. I'm fine with that.... if only I hadn't left myself open to it. I'm so damn gullible.... I really fell for it.

And that about sums it up. All the pain I've felt, I'm finally letting it out. Finally taking the internal and shitting all over this nice blog. I truly hope you have a nice day.

My Feet Smell

last book i've read: The Nature of Prejudice by Gordon Allport
music currently caressing my ears: Brand New's Deja Entendu and Your Favorite Weapon
general mood: optimistic, satisfied
quote i just thought of: I don't have one today, but geez, it's chilly in my room today. My hand is freezing, and it's almost May.... it better warm up!

I just had dinner with Wayland and Ilinca and her "date" Dorian (sp?) at Koreana. It was great, I liked Dorian. He was an interesting guy, reminded me a lot of Wayland's friend Geoff. He was knowledgeable in a lot of different cultures, which I, of course, enjoyed! Gotta love it. Not to mention the great food and other company present. I had a good time.

Next year is gonna be interesting. I will be cramming the rest of the anthropology major requirements next year, which are quite a few, and I won't be able to take senior sem. in anth. until fall term of 2006. That's a long time from now, and I'm not worried about spending extra time at Lawrence, not graduating with my class and such. To me, it's worth it, and I wasn't planning on grad school right away anyway. My life has been more touch-and-go lately, I'm sure I'll find my way.

I went to the Guster*Better Than Ezra*The Zambonis concert last night. It was a lot of fun, especially with drunk kids in the seats right in front of Wayland, Tariq, Megan and me. Besides them as entertainment, there were the crazy Better Than Ezra chicks besides us - they knew the words to all the songs, even songs off their new album that isn't out yet, ha. Besides the crowd as entertainment, yeah, the bands were good too. Guster was reminiscent of Dispatch, which I never got the chance to see live, which sucks. Dispatch was the best, and Guster didn't come close, although they also tried to be organic in their music. The bongos and the last song done acoustically were nice touches. However, not Dispatch. I miss Dispatch, RIP.

I suppose I should be doing homework right now, but I'm not feeling up to it. I'm happy just to have these moments to myself and not worry about what's going on around me. And believe me, I'm not concerned, I'm pretty carefree. It's so great, my old worries are no more! I can't wait for the summer. Which reminds me! Here goes nothing....

A couple of weekends ago, I went home to see the fam and hopefully find a summer job. I went to Barnes and Noble to reapply for a job, as last year I applied and didn't receive a call back or anything. I thought it would be worth a second try. I go in, they tell me to update my application information, which I do, no problem. Next thing I know, a woman is telling me that it's quieter in the cafe, and that's where we're headed. She grabs a clipboard and I start freaking out - surprise interview! I've never had a real interview, except for maybe the library job (which is hard to consider a real job without any sort of raises!). So I go into this interview with very little know-how, and I'm nervous as one can be. However, I was able to stay composed, think somewhat clearly, and be my gracious social self. The worst thing that happened to me was I got a dry throat due to nervousness, and the best thing that happened was she offered me the summer job on the spot! The whole experience was out in left field for me, but I'm glad I survived, and it's probably better that the interview was a surprise one. I didn't see it coming, and I wasn't psychologically ready; however, now I know how I react and how well I can come up with quick answers to their questions that were still impressive. The real kicker about this whole thing is I decided later that I didn't want the job - they wouldn't let me have off for the things I need/want to do this summer, such as a family vacation before my brother goes off to the Marines, and of course Cornerstone, which I can't bear to miss again, and who can forget California? Zero flexibility? Ain't for me, that's for sure. So, that concludes my first real interview, nerves and all. It was an excellent primer for future interviews!

That's all the news I've got for now, I'm sure there will be more later. Like my new endeavor: searching for an internship.... oh man.

Procrastinating

last book i've read: Manifesta: Young Women, Feminists and the Future, by Jennifer Baumgardner and Amy Richards
music currently caressing my ears: Radiohead's Kid A
general mood: lethargic, indifferent
quote i just thought of: "I felt that we were passive-aggressive, insecure, and, to paraphrase Flo Kennedy, a bit too eager to eat shit and call it chocolate. We were martyrs. We were unliberated." --Jennifer Baumgardner on her experience being an editor for the fem zine Ms.

Post-mexico, I am still desiring the open road, the beach and sun, the lovely penthouse view, the friends I've made, and freedom of being there. To listen to the CD Roxana made, to see the pictures from that week, I feel nostalgic and even a little sad. It's a weird feeling to dwell on the things that should make you happy and feel like there's something missing, a black hole of sorts.

I tried aerobics for the first time today, and man did I feel like an idiot. Plus there was a mirror, so it makes one feel even more self-aware of mistakes and other peoples' stares and whatnot. But really, I know it's not just me, that all first-timers feel dumb, but I hate the feeling of being so stupid and incompetent. There's something about that fact that it will take me time to do well, and that my performance is able to be watched and "judged," thank god I won't be graded! I enjoyed working out, but I'm wondering when I'll finally catch on....

I'm really putting off this paper I should be writing right now. And I just tried to call some of my friends, but no one was home. My evil plan has been spoiled again! Oh well, I guess I can start writing.... what have I got to worry about anyway.... I'm sure it will be fine.

Besides all this, I'm loving where I'm at and how things are thus far. I'm continually growing closer to Ilinca and even a few guys from the phi tau house. Not to get all sappy, but it feels so good to be appreciated and not simply sitting on the sidelines, but actively enjoying my friendships. Despite putting myself out there in the past and being rejected, I've finally found solace and a little bit of peace. It feels great. And on that note....

Muppets Take Manhatten!

last book i've read: Sula by Toni Morrison, for gender studies 100
music currently caressing my ears: the Snatch OST, specifically Dreadlock Holiday by 10cc (it rocks)
general mood: peaceful, accomplished
quote i just thought of: "Sigue bailando, mi amor.... tu cuerpo...." --Latins, off the Spanish CD Roxana made to remember Mexico by.

I just bought two DVDs, The Red Violin and The Muppets Take Manhatten. I cannot wait to watch the muppets again. The last time I saw that movie, I was probably 10 years old or so. And it was a recording. Man, those were good times. Michael and I were mesmerized, we loved it. Recently, I've been attempting to reconstruct certain parts of my childhood that were not only memorable, but things that struck me and have made me who I am today. Such as the muppets. I've been nostalgic, but it helps me remember the good times as a kid.

If there was one thing I wish I could do, it would be to be young again. With the same innocence and naivety I was once all too familiar with. I am still gullible in lots of ways, but I am certainly more skeptical and cynical than I was even when I first started this blog. I guess it takes a couple of failures and some heavy burdens before one really learns what is important and worth fighting for in this life. I wish I had fought more for some of my friendships. Those have always been something I need, even if it's only a few good friends. I used to be so judgmental. I'm glad I got over that fast. I attempt not to judge, but if you hurt me, it's hard for me to forget. If you're close enough to me, I'll tell you when you're hurting me; otherwise I will probably internalize it and disregard it, until it sneaks up again and bites me in the ass. And that's another thing I've learned - not dealing with something is much more threatening and painful than ignoring it. But I've never been comfortable with confrontations.... never had a problem with honesty though.

Just looked at the time. I have been spending the night in unproductive ways.... it's time to curl up and read. I've got so much to read.... gotta love Lawrence.

Spring Cleaning

last book i've read: The Last American Man by Elizabeth Gilbert
music currently caressing my ears: Jamie Cullum, Twentysomething
general mood: contemplative, happy
quote i just thought of: "It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer." --Albert Einstein

Spring break was fabulous. Mexico was amazing - my cousin Isaac and Roxana took Melissa and I to Acapulco for four days, Puebla for one, and Mexico City for three. Acapulco was gorgeous - Isaac's friend Chucho has friends who owned a penthouse apartment there, and we stayed there for one night. Otherwise it was our broken hotel room the first three nights - broken fan, broken toilet flush, and broken lock. The first night was spent at El Alebrije, a well-known nightclub in Acapulco that was bursting with other spring breakers and good music to dance to. All right, so Melissa and I had some to drink, Amaretto sours, sangria, and some other yummy concoctions, yet remaining in control of our bodies at all times. That is necessary considering the company of American boys that only know how to grind and not really anything else.... ew. The next night was Barbarroja, outdoor salsa and dance bar. The music was more traditionally Mexican, and we still danced 'til early in the morning. The next night was the penthouse, playing games in Spanish and making friends with people I may or may not see again. I also enjoyed the sun as much as possible, getting somewhat more tan.

Puebla is where Chucho is from, and his family was so very welcoming and warm, making us a home-cooked meal of milanesa (one of my favorites), and treating us with respect and housing us for that night. After Puebla we once again returned to Mexico City, where I got to spend quality time with my aunt and uncle Elda and Azael. I love them so much, and wish I could have brought them home with me. In Mexico City, we really got a taste of authentic food, such as tacos al pastor (another favorite), alambres, authentic tortillas, good frijoles, and numerous sopapillas that were delicious. My family also did a great job at making Melissa and I feel welcome, loved, and cared for. I can't help but want to go back to those warm, strong people in Mexico.

Back on campus, classes are already filled with lots of reading. I also cleaned the living room of the quad, and the room Sarah and I share.... which we're about to not share. She's moving out due to a desire to concentrate more fully on her academic pursuits, and I also know it will help her socially to be in a single. The single is in Hiett, so she won't be far anyway. I can only hope that it will be a positive thing in her life and make things easier for her final term on this campus with grades, partying, and doing the things she wants to do that roommates inhibited her from doing to some extent. If she thinks it's good for her, I can't have any more confirmation than that that it will be good.

Not only spring but many new, good things are coming about this term. I hope that it continues to be warm. New blossoming friendships, regrowth in old ones, a chance to start over anew. I fare thee well.

Androgyny

Your Brain is 53.33% Female, 46.67% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

I can only hope I am this androgynous. Androgynous people are well-balanced and secure about themselves, their beliefs, their behaviors, etc. It's so interesting to me how American society puts pressures on males and females to engage in certain gender roles that are literally impossible to sustain.... I'll take the middle road, thank you.

a hint of things to come

last book i've read: From Child Sexual Abuse to Adult Sexual Risk: Trauma, Revictimization, and Intervention, edited (not solely authored) by Linda Koenig, Lynda Doll, Ann O'Leary, and Willo Pequegnat
music currently caressing my ears: Nick Drake, the best 70's singer/songwriter that died before he was truly famous. I miss him.
general mood: excited and thankful
quote i just thought of: "I could have been your pillar, could have been your door. I could have stayed beside you, could have stayed for more...." --Nick Drake

It's tenth week at Lawrence, and for once, I'm not feeling extreme amounts of pressure. This weekend I had the best time at PKT formal with Wayland. It was one of the best times I've had yet, with an excellent dinner, a dance afterwards, and free glasses to remember the night by. It was crazy good fun. With respect to my homework, I did the worst of it all today and last Friday: had a Spanish quiz, a 5-7 page paper, a Spanish composition, and a presentation to do. All of that was done by today. I feel like a free bird. And the best part about it is spring break in Mexico City with Melissa for 10 days. Oh man, it's gonna be great. I'll miss Wayland, wish he could go, but he'll be in California, which will also be gorgeous. At least I'm going somewhere somewhat different than previous spring breaks. My cousins in Mexico are thrilled to have us, and they already have spots picked out for us to go, like Acapulco. Ohhhhhh yeah. Also I've been hanging out with Linkie more, and she's proving to be a good friend. "You're a good friend, and good friends are so hard to find...."

I've never felt better about the end of a term. I'm glad things are going so well. If only I could wait for this.... better now than never.

Overwhelmed

last book i've read: my Social Psychology textbook
music currently caressing my ears: Gipsy Kings. I love the guitar.
general mood: discontentment
quote i just thought of: "Never forget this: Cheese and loose lips can act all superior." --one of random mixed quotes you can get from Weebls toons.

It's the end of 8th week. Who's not sick of all this by now? Not only are there the classes, the exams, the work, but there's the drama, the frustration of selfish roommates, the loose ends that don't get tied. So soon to be dealt with.... in theory. I hope it all ends today, that is my only desire. Otherwise I'm not the only one that will break. And then you'll really get a piece of my mind....

Besides that, I am doing quite well. I have been reframing my thinking into something more productive and helpful to my psyche than previously. I focus more on those things in my life that I consider good, great, wonderful. And there are many: the love of my life, my roommie Sarah, my good friends here at school (Catie, Linkie, Lauren, Katrina), my friends at home, my family, the women's group I help facilitate at the SACC, the research project with Adam and Anneli.... the children I get to interact with! You begin to take these good things for granted, and I don't want to do that anymore. Thus, I haven't. It's been great.

I am hopeful that this term will end with closure on things that needed it, and I will be ready to have Kat back.... cheers.

Hallelujah

last book i've read: Pigs for the Ancestors by Roy Rappaport
music currently caressing my ears: seagulls? sounds like it.
general mood: rejuvenated and warm
quote i just thought of: "I feel safe, I feel warm. When you're here, when I do no wrong...." --Coldplay

I talked to Catie yesterday. I haven't felt so relieved and joyful and just plain good in such a long time. We weren't mad at each other, it was more like "sad" at each other. She went home for break, and I was left here, wondering and waiting and then finally.... along with Kathleen, I realized it. Feeling left out and full of sadness over something simple, I came to realize how much my relationship with Catie means to me, and how willing I am to call her and talk to her, even if it was a little scary, even if my thoughts were completely jumbled. All it took was 10 minutes versus the two days that I've been feeling crappy about the situation. I'm glad I took that risk. The smile in her voice made it more than worth it.

This Saturday there is going to be some serious skiing done at Indianhead in the UP of Michigan. I invited Wayland, who is a beginner, and probably won't be pushing himself too hard. My family and I, on the other hand, prefer those runs that make you sick to your stomach just to look down.... I'm so excited. The weather is going to be great, being with boy will be great, and of course seeing my family will be great. Wow, I almost sound thrilled.... perhaps reading period won't be such a drag with homework and work, but rather it will be filled with the joys of being with those I love.

Speak

last book i've read: Speak by Laurie Halls Anderson
music currently caressing my ears: my computer humming
general mood: scared and blah
quote i just thought of: I got nothin.

I never realized how unreliant aol instant messenger is until I first realized that it has slowly become the only way people, namely college students, talk to each other. A friend recently pointed out that aim conversations should be limited to harmless, unimportant things, not conversations that are meaningful and deserve a face-to-face confrontation. Because of this fact, I have come to realize just how much I rely on a messenger service that has only left me feeling empty and useless. I make plans over aim, I discuss boys over aim, I have arguments over aim, and have only now come to realize how useless it all is. Also due to recent events, I feel as though we all need to spend more time with each other rather than saying over aim how we feel when we all know that getting together is so much more fruitful, straightforward, and meaningful. But I am not perfect, and also based on aim conversations, I have been angry, let down, hurt, etc., only to find that my feelings are misplaced due to bad communication over aim. It's a sad day when I realize that I've made a mistake due to some flimsy means of communication when what I truly prize are those heart-to-heart conversations with those I care about. Also thanks to someone's recent comment, I will not be spending as much time on aim and will rather go out and meet with my friends or at least call them when I need to talk. I hope this proves more effective and still bridges the gap I would otherwise feel here. Anyone else willing to try?

Heaven and Hell

last book i've read: Speak by Laurie Halls Anderson
music currently caressing my ears: the sound of Wayland's voice
general mood: it's been a pretty crappy day.... crappy.
quote i just thought of: "And I'm afraid, and I can't breathe, and I'm in love with you, but you are not with me. And I have put so much into a life, I made too much about you now to lie...." --Rachael Yamagata

Tonight's the Heaven and Hell party put on by Phi Kappa Tau, which should be fun. It consists of the signature loud rap/grinding music in the basement (hell) and on the first floor, a live jazz quartet (heaven). I tend to stay away from the basement and linger more around the jazz, it's nice to hear good live music once in a while. I hope it will be a good time.

Honestly, it's hard to see my friends suffer and hurt, especially over the boys in their lives. I guess it's inevitable that we'd all complain about it at some point. I mean, boys will be boys. Besides that, the ways we all tell ourselves things will change, or get better, or get worse.... how do we really know how things will go? We can only put one foot in front of the next and hope we don't fall into the valley that seems all too inevitable. This reminds me of The Story of Us: "I think the loudest silences are the ones filled with everthing that's been said. Said wrong, said 3,000 times, until fighting becomes the condition rather than the exception. And your only option is a silent retreat to neutral corners." I hope things don't come to that for most of my friends. It's just so hard to keep boys in check sometimes....

Time for the party.... hope the jazz will cheer me up. Ladies, I hope that our lives don't consist of so many ups and downs that we can't see past them to the good times. Thinking of you....

lonely hotel suite

last book i've read: Emotion: The Science of Sentiment by Dylan Evans
music currently caressing my ears: Zero 7's album Simple Things
general mood: rejuvenated
quote i just thought of: "Not all who wander are lost." --J. R. R. Tolkien

For the second time since being depressed, I finally have a grade on a midterm I can be proud of. For me, at least. It's a start. The hard work/effort actually shows in this one.... hope the trend continues. I hate to get my hopes up even a little just to be severely let down by myself/my grades.

I recently received the question: why are you so hard on yourself? God, where do I begin. Ever since coming to college, realizing what a poor excuse for an education I received at my high school, and somehow expecting myself to then perform at a level I wasn't ready for, these years have taken their toll on me. Let me ask, have you ever worked really hard at something, put your heart and soul into it, did the best you could, only to receive harsh feedback, a bad grade, a broken heart? That is what the last few years have been - a continual string of disappointments and lack of rewards for hardwork - while I see some of my peers not working as hard doing so much better than I. Listen, I'm not asking for A's, in fact, I'd be content if I could just get straight B's. But that certainly isn't the case for me.... you can imagine where I sit, I won't spell it out for you.

I have put a lot of pressure on myself to do well because this school puts a lot of pressure on us to do well. My parents don't expect perfection, so that's not the source, but it seems that any time I fall short of what I would consider well, I feel horrible about myself. In social psychology we are learning about how most people would make external attributions about their mistakes, such as they didn't study well, didn't get enough sleep, partied hard the night before an exam, etc. Nah, I skip all that and head right for the internal attributions: I blame myself for my failures. I hate that I can't do well enough for myself, therefore I berate myself, get depressed, and seem unable to get myself out of the hole. This is what I have been dealing with on a termly basis for the past two years.

If you need an even clearer picture of what I deal with here it is. Imagine an anorexic girl, clearly thin, perhaps even beautiful. Every day she looks in the mirror, she sees someone who is fat, ugly, less than perfect due to standards society puts on girls to be beautiful, which in this culture is thin. There is no amount of telling her she's thin or beautiful, she just sees the ugly person staring back at her. I am anorexic too, I starve for recognition for the effort I put into my work, but everytime I look in the mirror, I see a stupid girl who will never measure up to the standards set by this university. It's just how I see things. It's hard to turn something like this off, and I'm not sure I'll even feel entirely comfortable with myself academically.

I've been hating the system for a while now, and I've grown very cynical due to the way it's treated me.

Wayland says I should write in Spanish for my next blog.... now if only I really understood how to speak it. Ha! Pobrecita, quiere un momento de claridad.... solamente para tiempo corto.

it never ends

last book i've read: a couple, The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold and Emotion: The Science of Sentiment by Dylan Evans
music currently caressing my ears: Garden State OST
general mood: infuriated, exhausted, melancholy, listless, a bundle of wrecked nerves
quote i just thought of: "Spend all your time waiting for that second chance, for a break that would make it okay. There's only one reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard at the end of the day." --Sarah McLachlan

Feels like I'm always at the end of the proverbial rope. I do my best, I give it everything, and it's never good enough, not for here, not for them, not ever. I haven't gotten any returns on the work I give.... I will continually work hard just to get by, to barely get by. But don't feel sorry for me - we are what we are, right? I wasn't meant to be the fittest, I am far from it. If only there was something I was good at. Something consistent, something that wasn't painful, something I could claim as good. Good enough for me, at least. I just seem to fall short. Never good enough....

If I could still believe in God, I would say that at least He accepts me, but I don't really know if he does. Oh sure, I know what I've been told, but I don't know. Not sure of Him anymore. That came with the package, I guess.

It's like this: I don't find political cartoons funny, I can't differentiate between an independent variable and a dependent variable unless I go over it many many times, I am not a competitive person, I can't ever get decent grades, the most important thing in my life is my relationships, and that doesn't count for jack s*** in real life. People don't care about how nice you are, they want to see how smart you are. They want to see you do math in your head, count your trophies, find out your IQ and then rape your brain for all it's worth. My emotions, on the other hand, are the only things I have left, in shreds no less. It's nights like this when I really wish I could just cease to exist. At least being in a dark hole, I wouldn't have to live up to an impossible standard. And yet somehow..... somehow I manage to continue to pick myself up and fail all over again. It sucks so much. And I'll say it again, I'm so tired. Of it all. If only I could do something worthwhile. If only I felt worthwhile.