Sometimes we're immature, sometimes we do stupid things. Sometimes life isn't fair, sometimes there are things we can't change. Or change is hard to face. Maybe it's too hard to face the things about ourselves that hurt the most, or tell us the most about ourselves. The truth may be more than one can bear.... alone, anyway. And oh god, when you attempt to say you're sorry.... when it hurts more to hear you say that, and when I'm not willing to accept it. You think it's that easy.... after all the shit, all the cruel things you've said, the pain you made me feel. But perhaps I'm just projecting, and perhaps you're right. You're always right. And sometimes I hate you for it! I feel so small, so worthless, and it's so pointless. Just less in general. Much less.
Another thing I hate is when you leave yourself open - for a relationship, for something meaningful - and you get nothing in return. It feels like rejection, although it's more likely that the other person is so oblivious they have no idea. Which seems somewhat ridiculous to me, but whatever, it's plausible. Damn those people that don't get it. That don't get when you're open to a relationship, be it platonic or love. I gave you that. And you know what you did? Just that - you shit on it. It's so hard to articulate exact feelings, but here, let me try: FUCK YOU. Cuz that's how I've felt about it for a while now. I told you I wanted to be close, that it meant a lot to me. Well, a lot has changed since then. And it shouldn't surprise you. You never reciprocated, never even attempted to show that you too cared. Fine, have it your way. I'm fine with that.... if only I hadn't left myself open to it. I'm so damn gullible.... I really fell for it.
And that about sums it up. All the pain I've felt, I'm finally letting it out. Finally taking the internal and shitting all over this nice blog. I truly hope you have a nice day.
29 April 2005
28 April 2005
My Feet Smell
last book i've read: The Nature of Prejudice by Gordon Allport
music currently caressing my ears: Brand New's Deja Entendu and Your Favorite Weapon
general mood: optimistic, satisfied
quote i just thought of: I don't have one today, but geez, it's chilly in my room today. My hand is freezing, and it's almost May.... it better warm up!
I just had dinner with Wayland and Ilinca and her "date" Dorian (sp?) at Koreana. It was great, I liked Dorian. He was an interesting guy, reminded me a lot of Wayland's friend Geoff. He was knowledgeable in a lot of different cultures, which I, of course, enjoyed! Gotta love it. Not to mention the great food and other company present. I had a good time.
Next year is gonna be interesting. I will be cramming the rest of the anthropology major requirements next year, which are quite a few, and I won't be able to take senior sem. in anth. until fall term of 2006. That's a long time from now, and I'm not worried about spending extra time at Lawrence, not graduating with my class and such. To me, it's worth it, and I wasn't planning on grad school right away anyway. My life has been more touch-and-go lately, I'm sure I'll find my way.
I went to the Guster*Better Than Ezra*The Zambonis concert last night. It was a lot of fun, especially with drunk kids in the seats right in front of Wayland, Tariq, Megan and me. Besides them as entertainment, there were the crazy Better Than Ezra chicks besides us - they knew the words to all the songs, even songs off their new album that isn't out yet, ha. Besides the crowd as entertainment, yeah, the bands were good too. Guster was reminiscent of Dispatch, which I never got the chance to see live, which sucks. Dispatch was the best, and Guster didn't come close, although they also tried to be organic in their music. The bongos and the last song done acoustically were nice touches. However, not Dispatch. I miss Dispatch, RIP.
I suppose I should be doing homework right now, but I'm not feeling up to it. I'm happy just to have these moments to myself and not worry about what's going on around me. And believe me, I'm not concerned, I'm pretty carefree. It's so great, my old worries are no more! I can't wait for the summer. Which reminds me! Here goes nothing....
A couple of weekends ago, I went home to see the fam and hopefully find a summer job. I went to Barnes and Noble to reapply for a job, as last year I applied and didn't receive a call back or anything. I thought it would be worth a second try. I go in, they tell me to update my application information, which I do, no problem. Next thing I know, a woman is telling me that it's quieter in the cafe, and that's where we're headed. She grabs a clipboard and I start freaking out - surprise interview! I've never had a real interview, except for maybe the library job (which is hard to consider a real job without any sort of raises!). So I go into this interview with very little know-how, and I'm nervous as one can be. However, I was able to stay composed, think somewhat clearly, and be my gracious social self. The worst thing that happened to me was I got a dry throat due to nervousness, and the best thing that happened was she offered me the summer job on the spot! The whole experience was out in left field for me, but I'm glad I survived, and it's probably better that the interview was a surprise one. I didn't see it coming, and I wasn't psychologically ready; however, now I know how I react and how well I can come up with quick answers to their questions that were still impressive. The real kicker about this whole thing is I decided later that I didn't want the job - they wouldn't let me have off for the things I need/want to do this summer, such as a family vacation before my brother goes off to the Marines, and of course Cornerstone, which I can't bear to miss again, and who can forget California? Zero flexibility? Ain't for me, that's for sure. So, that concludes my first real interview, nerves and all. It was an excellent primer for future interviews!
That's all the news I've got for now, I'm sure there will be more later. Like my new endeavor: searching for an internship.... oh man.
music currently caressing my ears: Brand New's Deja Entendu and Your Favorite Weapon
general mood: optimistic, satisfied
quote i just thought of: I don't have one today, but geez, it's chilly in my room today. My hand is freezing, and it's almost May.... it better warm up!
I just had dinner with Wayland and Ilinca and her "date" Dorian (sp?) at Koreana. It was great, I liked Dorian. He was an interesting guy, reminded me a lot of Wayland's friend Geoff. He was knowledgeable in a lot of different cultures, which I, of course, enjoyed! Gotta love it. Not to mention the great food and other company present. I had a good time.
Next year is gonna be interesting. I will be cramming the rest of the anthropology major requirements next year, which are quite a few, and I won't be able to take senior sem. in anth. until fall term of 2006. That's a long time from now, and I'm not worried about spending extra time at Lawrence, not graduating with my class and such. To me, it's worth it, and I wasn't planning on grad school right away anyway. My life has been more touch-and-go lately, I'm sure I'll find my way.
I went to the Guster*Better Than Ezra*The Zambonis concert last night. It was a lot of fun, especially with drunk kids in the seats right in front of Wayland, Tariq, Megan and me. Besides them as entertainment, there were the crazy Better Than Ezra chicks besides us - they knew the words to all the songs, even songs off their new album that isn't out yet, ha. Besides the crowd as entertainment, yeah, the bands were good too. Guster was reminiscent of Dispatch, which I never got the chance to see live, which sucks. Dispatch was the best, and Guster didn't come close, although they also tried to be organic in their music. The bongos and the last song done acoustically were nice touches. However, not Dispatch. I miss Dispatch, RIP.
I suppose I should be doing homework right now, but I'm not feeling up to it. I'm happy just to have these moments to myself and not worry about what's going on around me. And believe me, I'm not concerned, I'm pretty carefree. It's so great, my old worries are no more! I can't wait for the summer. Which reminds me! Here goes nothing....
A couple of weekends ago, I went home to see the fam and hopefully find a summer job. I went to Barnes and Noble to reapply for a job, as last year I applied and didn't receive a call back or anything. I thought it would be worth a second try. I go in, they tell me to update my application information, which I do, no problem. Next thing I know, a woman is telling me that it's quieter in the cafe, and that's where we're headed. She grabs a clipboard and I start freaking out - surprise interview! I've never had a real interview, except for maybe the library job (which is hard to consider a real job without any sort of raises!). So I go into this interview with very little know-how, and I'm nervous as one can be. However, I was able to stay composed, think somewhat clearly, and be my gracious social self. The worst thing that happened to me was I got a dry throat due to nervousness, and the best thing that happened was she offered me the summer job on the spot! The whole experience was out in left field for me, but I'm glad I survived, and it's probably better that the interview was a surprise one. I didn't see it coming, and I wasn't psychologically ready; however, now I know how I react and how well I can come up with quick answers to their questions that were still impressive. The real kicker about this whole thing is I decided later that I didn't want the job - they wouldn't let me have off for the things I need/want to do this summer, such as a family vacation before my brother goes off to the Marines, and of course Cornerstone, which I can't bear to miss again, and who can forget California? Zero flexibility? Ain't for me, that's for sure. So, that concludes my first real interview, nerves and all. It was an excellent primer for future interviews!
That's all the news I've got for now, I'm sure there will be more later. Like my new endeavor: searching for an internship.... oh man.
13 April 2005
Procrastinating
last book i've read: Manifesta: Young Women, Feminists and the Future, by Jennifer Baumgardner and Amy Richards
music currently caressing my ears: Radiohead's Kid A
general mood: lethargic, indifferent
quote i just thought of: "I felt that we were passive-aggressive, insecure, and, to paraphrase Flo Kennedy, a bit too eager to eat shit and call it chocolate. We were martyrs. We were unliberated." --Jennifer Baumgardner on her experience being an editor for the fem zine Ms.
Post-mexico, I am still desiring the open road, the beach and sun, the lovely penthouse view, the friends I've made, and freedom of being there. To listen to the CD Roxana made, to see the pictures from that week, I feel nostalgic and even a little sad. It's a weird feeling to dwell on the things that should make you happy and feel like there's something missing, a black hole of sorts.
I tried aerobics for the first time today, and man did I feel like an idiot. Plus there was a mirror, so it makes one feel even more self-aware of mistakes and other peoples' stares and whatnot. But really, I know it's not just me, that all first-timers feel dumb, but I hate the feeling of being so stupid and incompetent. There's something about that fact that it will take me time to do well, and that my performance is able to be watched and "judged," thank god I won't be graded! I enjoyed working out, but I'm wondering when I'll finally catch on....
I'm really putting off this paper I should be writing right now. And I just tried to call some of my friends, but no one was home. My evil plan has been spoiled again! Oh well, I guess I can start writing.... what have I got to worry about anyway.... I'm sure it will be fine.
Besides all this, I'm loving where I'm at and how things are thus far. I'm continually growing closer to Ilinca and even a few guys from the phi tau house. Not to get all sappy, but it feels so good to be appreciated and not simply sitting on the sidelines, but actively enjoying my friendships. Despite putting myself out there in the past and being rejected, I've finally found solace and a little bit of peace. It feels great. And on that note....
music currently caressing my ears: Radiohead's Kid A
general mood: lethargic, indifferent
quote i just thought of: "I felt that we were passive-aggressive, insecure, and, to paraphrase Flo Kennedy, a bit too eager to eat shit and call it chocolate. We were martyrs. We were unliberated." --Jennifer Baumgardner on her experience being an editor for the fem zine Ms.
Post-mexico, I am still desiring the open road, the beach and sun, the lovely penthouse view, the friends I've made, and freedom of being there. To listen to the CD Roxana made, to see the pictures from that week, I feel nostalgic and even a little sad. It's a weird feeling to dwell on the things that should make you happy and feel like there's something missing, a black hole of sorts.
I tried aerobics for the first time today, and man did I feel like an idiot. Plus there was a mirror, so it makes one feel even more self-aware of mistakes and other peoples' stares and whatnot. But really, I know it's not just me, that all first-timers feel dumb, but I hate the feeling of being so stupid and incompetent. There's something about that fact that it will take me time to do well, and that my performance is able to be watched and "judged," thank god I won't be graded! I enjoyed working out, but I'm wondering when I'll finally catch on....
I'm really putting off this paper I should be writing right now. And I just tried to call some of my friends, but no one was home. My evil plan has been spoiled again! Oh well, I guess I can start writing.... what have I got to worry about anyway.... I'm sure it will be fine.
Besides all this, I'm loving where I'm at and how things are thus far. I'm continually growing closer to Ilinca and even a few guys from the phi tau house. Not to get all sappy, but it feels so good to be appreciated and not simply sitting on the sidelines, but actively enjoying my friendships. Despite putting myself out there in the past and being rejected, I've finally found solace and a little bit of peace. It feels great. And on that note....
05 April 2005
Muppets Take Manhatten!
last book i've read: Sula by Toni Morrison, for gender studies 100
music currently caressing my ears: the Snatch OST, specifically Dreadlock Holiday by 10cc (it rocks)
general mood: peaceful, accomplished
quote i just thought of: "Sigue bailando, mi amor.... tu cuerpo...." --Latins, off the Spanish CD Roxana made to remember Mexico by.
I just bought two DVDs, The Red Violin and The Muppets Take Manhatten. I cannot wait to watch the muppets again. The last time I saw that movie, I was probably 10 years old or so. And it was a recording. Man, those were good times. Michael and I were mesmerized, we loved it. Recently, I've been attempting to reconstruct certain parts of my childhood that were not only memorable, but things that struck me and have made me who I am today. Such as the muppets. I've been nostalgic, but it helps me remember the good times as a kid.
If there was one thing I wish I could do, it would be to be young again. With the same innocence and naivety I was once all too familiar with. I am still gullible in lots of ways, but I am certainly more skeptical and cynical than I was even when I first started this blog. I guess it takes a couple of failures and some heavy burdens before one really learns what is important and worth fighting for in this life. I wish I had fought more for some of my friendships. Those have always been something I need, even if it's only a few good friends. I used to be so judgmental. I'm glad I got over that fast. I attempt not to judge, but if you hurt me, it's hard for me to forget. If you're close enough to me, I'll tell you when you're hurting me; otherwise I will probably internalize it and disregard it, until it sneaks up again and bites me in the ass. And that's another thing I've learned - not dealing with something is much more threatening and painful than ignoring it. But I've never been comfortable with confrontations.... never had a problem with honesty though.
Just looked at the time. I have been spending the night in unproductive ways.... it's time to curl up and read. I've got so much to read.... gotta love Lawrence.
music currently caressing my ears: the Snatch OST, specifically Dreadlock Holiday by 10cc (it rocks)
general mood: peaceful, accomplished
quote i just thought of: "Sigue bailando, mi amor.... tu cuerpo...." --Latins, off the Spanish CD Roxana made to remember Mexico by.
I just bought two DVDs, The Red Violin and The Muppets Take Manhatten. I cannot wait to watch the muppets again. The last time I saw that movie, I was probably 10 years old or so. And it was a recording. Man, those were good times. Michael and I were mesmerized, we loved it. Recently, I've been attempting to reconstruct certain parts of my childhood that were not only memorable, but things that struck me and have made me who I am today. Such as the muppets. I've been nostalgic, but it helps me remember the good times as a kid.
If there was one thing I wish I could do, it would be to be young again. With the same innocence and naivety I was once all too familiar with. I am still gullible in lots of ways, but I am certainly more skeptical and cynical than I was even when I first started this blog. I guess it takes a couple of failures and some heavy burdens before one really learns what is important and worth fighting for in this life. I wish I had fought more for some of my friendships. Those have always been something I need, even if it's only a few good friends. I used to be so judgmental. I'm glad I got over that fast. I attempt not to judge, but if you hurt me, it's hard for me to forget. If you're close enough to me, I'll tell you when you're hurting me; otherwise I will probably internalize it and disregard it, until it sneaks up again and bites me in the ass. And that's another thing I've learned - not dealing with something is much more threatening and painful than ignoring it. But I've never been comfortable with confrontations.... never had a problem with honesty though.
Just looked at the time. I have been spending the night in unproductive ways.... it's time to curl up and read. I've got so much to read.... gotta love Lawrence.
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