Small Town Talk

Coming from a small town, all gossip and news gets around about everyone, and it doesn't stop with age, it seems. So it was hard for me to hear about a friend of mine, a proclaimed Christian, that took her first drink with other proclaimed Christians and I'm not sure why, but it makes me feel so sad, and it seems to dark to me. It's funny because I'm not a stranger to these activities, I've witnessed them, and heard and seen worse things. And yet, for someone who is a good person, who hasn't even done this before, for them to start also means no going back, an inability to take it back. Our religion causes great guilt, and it's something you can't easily forget.

But why am I saying this at all - I'm no saint, I'm surely not any more Godly than the next person. Like I said, the guilt comes easily when we're told to feel that way. But somehow I'd like to believe that God is a loving God, forgiving, with open arms to those who are repentent. And yet we also hear about a God that is jealous, angry at our sin, and therefore separating himself from us. How can these two opposites exist within a claimed perfect being? Why make us if he knew we'd have to be judged by him someday? Why don't good people go to heaven too? I know, I know the answers to some questions.... but I don't understand it. And it tends to be a spiritual hang-up for me. It's hard to imagine some of the great people I've met not in heaven. But I don't make the rules.

Beyond all this, we all need to experience things to know what it means to have happiness or to know what we don't want from life. Hence, exploration with psychoactive drugs, physical love, etc. I'm not saying that we don't have to deal with the consequences or effects of it, we certainly must. But what if the effects aren't as bad as everyone told us they would be? Or what if the hard times seems so hard, so low?

I hope that girl finds her way. We all do, it's never easy. I just hope that life doesn't let her down. I have felt the sting of defeat, and I wish it on no one.

I am cold

You know what, I hate getting my hopes up. I usually end up with disappointment and ultimately sadness when I do. It's far too easy for me. And I have good reason not to get my hopes up. I am usually let down by myself, it's really not an infrequent thing for me. But I guess what is the point of life if not for bad times that make the good times seem so good. Well geez, when does it get good? Ha.

I hate to bitch and moan about my life and the things in it, it's just that it never changes. There's always someone hiding something from me, always something I end up doing wrong to some degree, and there's never enough time to deal with any of it - you just have to keep your chin up, go on with the next term, and pretend it's all fine. But it rarely is. For me, at least. Wow, you really have better things to do than read this right now, I'm sure. I just needed to get it out of my system. Always...getting...it...out...of...my...system.

Finals week and Winter break

last book i've read: something for anthro.... had the final this morning
music currently caressing my ears: hmm, i'm at work, so nothing
general mood: little tired, little sick to my stomach
quote i just thought of: "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." --moulin rouge

Finals week. Yum. I had an exam today, and I hope I did well. Jeremy Cowie and I were discussing it afterward, and I totally messed up one section, probably worth 2 or 3 points, but considering all points matter.... such is life. One more on Friday in Spanish. I was supposed to study tonight for the past three hours, but I just keep procrastinating, promising myself that I'll do it tomorrow. Bad girl.

Tonight was just a great night. Catie insisted that us girls go out for chocolate fondue, which turned into dinner really because we also ordered cheese fondue. Who can help themselves? And it was just amazing. I've never had such great melted cheese or chocolate. I have a new favorite place to eat.... the Melting Pot.

And it just kept getting better....
I love Tuesday nights at the coffeehouse (too bad this was the last one this term). Catie works, and I love being around the group that seems to come together these nights. The usuals are Kat, Bill, Lauren, and myself. Plus, there are always new people that visit. Tonight we watched Sex and Lucia. Such a great indie film. Hard to follow for first-timers, and also a little weird, but what movie isn't? I love it. All I can remember right now is "I'm dying.... I'm dying!"

So.... what else? Life is kinda better, still boughts of depression, nothing horrible. Yet it feels horrible when it happens. I feel so dumb saying this, but it is hard to be me. Despite this, I can't see myself just giving up on school and life in general, so I keep trying. I've been socialized so well! Although trying does get old after awhile. So tell me what to do, cuz I'm not sure anymore, about my future or myself. We'll see, we'll see.

I hope next term is better for me. I'll have less to deal with in terms of academics, so hopefully I can start where I left off with volunteering, and not worry about other things as much. Pobrecita.... things can only get better.