social ideals are crap

last book i've read: more than a friend by elizabeth winfrey (one of dea's teen romance books)
music currently caressing my ears: none
general mood: contemplative
quote i just thought of: Keith-'You can't judge a book by its cover.' Watts-'Yeah, but you can tell how much it's going to cost.' Keith-'That's deep.' --Some Kind of Wonderful, 1987

why does one need to do what's expected of him or her, and if one fails to meet the standards, why is one shunned, mistreated, or otherwise considered socially deviant? i'm sick of standards and being expected to meet them with little regard of what i think. sure i'm not always right, but at least i have an idea of who i am, and i care about things in this life, not just piss on them. so, why these stupid feelings that i'm wrong? well, society tells women to be pretty, thin, outgoing, and to fit in as much as possible, or suffer consequences, and i certainly don't agree with the majority of these ideals brought on by the media and various other avenues of supposed authority on how women should appear.

i've been told my whole life to live up to Christian values, and when i begin questioning, i am considered in the wrong. it's not something i can be told, it's something i must find out for myself. we each have a network of people telling us to do things a certain way, and that all else outside that way is deviant, wrong, or too extreme. we all bear the burden of social pressures and ways to behave, social rules to live by. some have the guts to go outside them, but even then, they're molding themselves after some model that existed before them. so tell me then, what is Truth?

that's the question i have been trying to answer through psychology, philosophy, anthropology, evolution, Christianity, and a number of other ideas. and nothing fits. there's always some small way to defy each one, each one paints a picture of incompleteness. do each carry their own Truth, or am i just asking the wrong question? i feel as though i'll never get the whole truth. i'll always be spoon-fed someone's values or ideals, and i'll never know for myself what is real or sincere. that's why i'm searching, and God if you can hear me, help me discover what i need to to find that Truth.

if you have any ideas, email me at soylaluz@hotmail.com. i could use a kindred spirit with a mind of their own who doesn't offer answers, but an idea, and nothing more.

gimme a chance to do a hip-hop dance

last book i've read: jitterbug perfume by tom robbins
band currently caressing my ears: the wannadies
general mood: energetic
quote i just thought of: "sometimes...." --rocko's modern life

back in california.... surprised? i can't stand to be away for longer than 4 months. my dad surprised me with an opportunity to return to california, and i couldn't resist. i mean, i have a long boring summer with not much happening, might as well travel. anyway, he said i should help wayland and his fam move from their house, and that's what i'm doing - being moral support. i like that, that's what i do best. and ah.... so nice, so beautiful, so relaxing. i just can't get enough.

it's been so wonderful. way and geoff met me at the airport, and it's been good food and good times since then. i've been helping the family pack, and been eating at all the places i love here.

back to my personal paradise. more later, when i feel like returning.

almost the end

last book i've read: a compilation of edgar allan poe's works
band currently caressing my ears: none, i'm at the library.... sweet silence
general mood: mixed
quote i just thought of: "delorted!" --coach z.

yes, second to last night here at lawrence, and where am i? working three of twenty hours at the 'brary. it's good to get paid for doing nothing, but it's sad that it will be done soon: the stress, the brain farts, the good times. well, i'm actually also thrilled to be going home soon and have another year finished, and a great summer to look forward to. so, i can't stay sad for long. this is a much needed break.

i'm not sure about cornerstone this year. sam still has not told me whether she's going or not, so i'm losing hope on that. if we don't go, then california will fill that spot. and things couldn't be better than when i'm with my bestest buddy ever. more of that gorgeous sunshine, maybe for the last time. well, at least the last time with his family. well, the last time with his mom and sister. gotta go while i still can!

i think this year i have grown a lot more sensitive to the negative things that people say and do to hurt myself and others. instead of hardening myself to it, i feel more naive. maybe it's because i realized how fake some friends can be, what depression really feels like, how much it hurts to not do as well as i had hoped. the pain of rejection, of hurtful side comments, of being lonely, even if not alone. but i continue to fight and try, i don't give up easily. unless it's clearly a losing battle.... i know i'm not perfect, i feel as though i mess up constantly. i just need a gentle kick in the pants once in a while.... gentle! please.... i've had enough.

such is life. i still find i am surrounded by love, and that is all i really need - a handful of honest people and a few good times. this world has little to offer, and i really couldn't live without the good things i have.

second to last day of classes

last book i've read: do fish drink water by bill mclain
band currently caressing my ears: g. love and the special sauce (greg's gonna lay down the law!)
general mood: jubilant
quote i just thought of: "i think she has the nicest eyes i have ever seen." --zaander

so, i'm in the middle of studying for an exam for cultural anthropology, and i am so easily distracted, so here you are. oh, and let me tell you how excited i am that research methods is over with! (glory, glory hallelujah!)

just one more day of classes, and then finals, and then home. i will miss a lot of things here, but not the work, that's for sure. i'll miss the new friends i've made with the phi taus, and naturally, i'll miss wayland, and a few other people and things. ah, such good times.

but home i must go. home to sam, and my familia, but not to much else. oh well, i will look forward to cali and florida and wherever else i may end up. who knows, maybe even maryland.... hopefully cornerstone, though no word if i will have a buddy to go with.

i'm glad i feel this good. it's been a while. back to studying, and soon it will all be over.... i'll miss you all so much.