story #2

once upon another time, there was a girl. she was moving out of the house for the first time ever. she was excited, scared, and looking forward to the life she was about to lead. she settled in, and was sad, but noticed how new and wonderful her situation was. so she worked, not as hard as she should have, but she worked. time passed, and she was not happy with the work she was doing. it wasn't enough. meanwhile, she met a boy. this boy was handsome, adorable, kind, and genuine. she found herself thinking about this boy at times when she was alone. the boy did many kind things for the girl, and she thought of kind things she could do for him. so, she plotted, and she wrote. she wrote a lot of nice, pretty, sweet things to say thank you. finally, she finished with her writings, and gave the boy her writings. he was thrilled and filled with joy at the nice things the girl wrote. they began to notice that they were falling....and as time passed, their relationship grew and grew and grew and now their lives are intertwined, one without the other would be lonely indeed. they laugh, they hug, they are close and wouldn't have it any other way. and so far, they live happily ever after.

i like this one better.

a story

soylaluz49: "once upon a time, there was a girl. she knew what she wanted, and she was very sure of herself alone."
soylaluz49: "one day, a boy that she had known all her life noticed this, and wanted to know why she was so self-assured."
soylaluz49: "he talks to the girl and realizes she's kinda cool, and even a bit pretty. the girl realized he was in need of someone to listen. so they talk and talk and talk and there seems to be a spark, a hint of something there."
soylaluz49: "one day, the girl goes away for a time. the boy begins to think that she does not like him because she doesn't contact him every day, and she doesn't worry about him like he worries about her."
soylaluz49: "the girl returns, but finds the boy sad and weak and hurt and lonely. the girl tries to explain, but her efforts are futile. "
soylaluz49: "the relationship wanes to a drop of nothingness, and she leaves again, for an even longer time."
soylaluz49: "she tried to open herself up to him again, but he uses it against her, and creates a huge wound, one that leaves a scar that she cannot forget."
soylaluz49: "she does not ever want to see the boy again."
soylaluz49: "but she knows that someday she will have to see him again....it is a small world."
soylaluz49: "she prepares herself to see him, and finally she does. the boy is courteous and she realizes that even if he is young and has much to learn, someday he will make someone very happy."
soylaluz49: "she is content just being friends, and suddenly, so is he."
soylaluz49: the end

sometimes even the most painful circumstances can give one inspiration....

finding jhung

please go here. i found it quite wonderful. something that is more than just for the moment....

for the moment.

hi. haven't seen you in awhile. but it seems you're ok with that. and suddenly, so am i. but i know you're doing fine, know you're embracing life, or did i hear you wrong? you're becoming numb, becoming a ghost of the old you. you're changing your colors, but i know you. and that isn't changing anything. i want to help, i want to hold. could you let down your hair for a little while?

doing well. exams are next week. it's scary, but the sooner i face it and it's over, the sooner i can go home and be with the ones i love most. i look forward to tomorrow.

i can only hope you'll listen. will i get a response of frustration or joy, i'm not sure, but i long for something more than it has been. i have let you down, it doesn't get any worse, but i long to make it better again. at least i want to make it better for as long as it will be better, for happiness doesn't last forever. can't you see what you're doing to yourself? a thousand things i wish i knew, i wish i never knew. get better, my fragile little butterfly.

writings for the down and out

i'm doing better, thank god. i was in such a rut. but truly, i am doing better. wow. i'm impressed! not so sad anymore. every rainy day has its end.

i have let you know finally how i feel. my thoughts, now that i've set my heart on a platter, are what will you do with that? we'll see, won't we? i pray for an end to this pride and sadness. i pray you'll forgive me, and somehow, forgive yourselves. i pray for an ending, not necessarily happy, but an end. that is all i ask.

so we'll see. we'll see if selfish pride reigns here, or if you'll find some room in your heart to love me once again. perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. coming down to the wire. i fare thee well.

guilty as hell

feels like one of those days. it's been one of those days for a long time now. and it's not pretty, either. so i'll stand before you, tired and angry and destroyed. cuz that's how it's been for awhile now. i'll pretend it's ok, you'll tell me i should try a little harder. i'll tell you i'm just celebrating my mistakes. and you'll tell me i should get a new line.

i shouldn't try to so hard to do well. cuz i don't do well anyway. i talk, i listen, i ask and yet i get nowhere. i'm stuck in this same hole, day after day. could you give me a hand?

no one said this was gonna be easy

i'm tired. it's simple and as easy as that. i'm just tired. it's only the end of the second full week at lawrence, and i'm so exhausted. but i guess that's why i'm here, to stretch myself thin and see how far i can go....

i'd say that even though i'm tired, i'm doing well. i have an a- so far in developmental psychology 265. but, that's only after one lab assignment. we'll see after the first midterms how i'm doing then. hope it stays an a. i'll be proud of myself for once.

sometimes i wonder if the things i do mean anything to anyone. yeah, of course there's always s and w and b (my parents too!) to make me feel good about things. they are so good to me. but what about the other people in this world that aren't sensitive to your feelings, that couldn't care less, that don't take a second to think about what they're actually saying? will i ever talk to these girls i loved again? i'm not sure. but the thought is sad to me, and sad is that last thing i want to be right now. i'm also confused about a few important things in my life, it seems. big things. i don't know where i stand, and i'm not sure if it's where i want to stand, either. not sure if i'm chasing after bubbles. such a sad existence....

i could use a bit of reassurance, a shoulder, a hand. even if i'm not sure what i need reassurance for. (sept 2's entry is good for this moment.)

ghosts of old

i recently received a letter from june. she told me she missed the friendship we had and it touched my heart to read those lines. i have replied, and it appears that we may get in touch once again. it makes me think a lot about how each of us has changed since high school. i'm just happy she's doing all right. i think that things will be fine. it always nice to talk to someone who knows you well, even when you haven't talked in a year and a half. we'll see where the wind takes us....

january 28, 2003

scared of what this takes from me
afraid of losing you
while i'm losing bits of me....
can i have them back now?

takes me to the edge
and it plunges deeper inside me than you think
and suddenly in a heartbeat i blink
and i've lost it all
knocked off my pedestal
i thought i knew it all
but it all left me
so alone as i sit and let my mind wander
to the stars....further seems forever and my heart grows fonder
of the sincerity i long to have back
and of all the strength i lack

gone and gone again
i can't hide my sorry state
it isn't filled with hate
but i just know i come in second place
to that sad look upon your face
that look i long to erase

scared of me
i wanted you to know

--me. i guess i am scared of more than you would believe. there's so much i don't know, but i'm learning. it's just hard for me to not know and to pretend i do. god, if you can hear me, give me strength to understand....

what can i say

what can i say to make you understand
the fear in my head, the scar on my hand
the constant reminder of a burn
of the last heartbreak i had to learn
silent and watching as time goes by
sitting alone, waiting for my desires to die

tired of time

spare a thought for me

arm yourself with the ones you love, they're not here. they're in your heart. (never forget that)

--ethan durelle

p.s. i've spared one for you.

solemn mood

::shirts and gloves::
when i'm back from the road, then you're out on it. and i'm tired of this distance and i believe it's overrated. and this phone tag game is endless. the novelty is wearing. i'm hoping time will pass without any assistance or convincing. road rules apply. there's so much action, you're getting busy. i'll call your cellular phone to tell you tv night was lonely without you, and so am i....so am i. it seems our day keeps falling on a leap year. so many high points on this last leg. i can't wait to recount them. it seems nothing has happened until i've shared them with you. the note that you called says you're half a day away and you are heading home just in time for me, for me to leave. road rules apply. there's so much action, i'm getting busy. so make sure that i'm up to date on tv night, i hate to miss out. i think i miss you most on wednesdays and saturdays. it seems our day keeps falling on a leap year.

::a plain morning::
it's yet to be determined, but the air is thick and my hope is feeling worn. i'm missing home and i'm glad you're not a part of this. there are parts of me that will be missed. and the phone is always dead to me, so i can't tell you the temperature is dropping and it feels like it's colder than it ought to be in march. and i still have a day or two ahead of me til i'll be heading home into your arms again. and the people here are asking after you, it doesn't make it easier to be away. i'd like to hire a plane and see you in the morning, when the day is fresh. i'm coming home again. it's warmer where you're waiting. it feels more like july. there's pillows in their cases, and one of those is mine. and you wrote the words i love you and sprayed it with perfume. it's better than the fire is to heat this lonely room. it's warmer where you're waiting. it feels more like july.

::ender will save us all::
it's just like you contest, you wear it like a label on your breast. don't you see what this takes of me? a certain callousness complies with your charm and in your pride. a hopeful look draped in despise. i want to give you whatever you need. what is it you need? is it what i need? i want to give you whatever you need. what is it you need? is it within me? it's hard to explain how i am getting by on so little from you. it's hard to believe that i would let myself get so wrapped into you. there's gotta be something that would be worthwhile for me to give to you. we need a connection, but you seem to push me far away from you. the harder i push, the further i fall. well you don't mind me being headstrong, but you don't want to sing along. maybe it's trite, but i can always be wrong. try not to be wrong.

--dashboard confessional

hands down, this is the best

a few one-liners from dashboard's new cd to keep you company.

*my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. so won't you kill me? so i die happy.
*so much for so much more.
*you've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion, but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?
*color the coast with your smile. it's the most genuine thing i've ever seen.
*i'm talented at breathing, especially exhaling, so that my chest will rise and fall with yours.
*i guess it's luck but it's the same hard luck you've been trying to tame.
*is there anything worth looking for? worth loving for? worth lying for? is there anything worth waiting for? worth living for? worth dying for?
*morning calls for pain relief, a line above the step beneath the worst that you could do.
*man, it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has. but it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all.
*careful now, you're so beautiful when you've convinced yourself no one else is quite as beautiful.
*pacific sun, you should have warned us, it gets so cold here. and the night can freeze before you start it on fire.

a mark*a mission*a brand*a scar

if that sounds emo to you, you are absolutely right. emo meaning emotional, and believe me, chris carrabba is. which makes dashboard confessional an amazing band, and right up there with further seems forever.

there are only two people i know of that share my enthusiasm and love for dashboard (hey, you know who you are, s and b). i mean, we can all see chris's talent and how far it's taken him in such a short amount of time. his lyrics are innovative, his tunes are ingenious, and his persona causes you to wonder just who he really is. with such deep lyrics, we can all relate to his heartache, his frustration, and his hope. so, this is my little tribute to the man that is chris carrabba.

driving in the sun, your shadow weighs a ton, cruisin down the 101

yes, i will be in california in a week. wow, i'm excited. ah, warm weather, beautiful sun-shiney days, but best of all, good company. it'll be nice to talk to my friends in cali and be immersed in god's beauty at the same time. it's good to be with friends and to share your lives in such fulfilling ways.

you know, it's recently been brought to my attention that this society is getting so messed up, here's why. way back in the day, when neighbors would visit, all work would cease and there would be a time of fellowship and fun. today, when one is engulfed in entertainment and trying to keep one's self occupied, friendships, acquaintances, most relationships hit the wayside and become damaged beyond repair. it seems that no one takes the time to maintain their relationships anymore, and that's a sorry state of affairs. i mean, the divorce rate keeps rising dangerously high, people become so busy with work, and families become broken from lack of relationship maintenance. truly, with so many distractions in this world, one needs to prioritize relationships, or they will be lost. so, where do your relationships lie? healthy and kicking, or in the gutter? take a look around you....there's more to life than work and entertainment. so much more. all you need to do is ask, seek, and knock. the truth will show itself to you. all you need to do is ask....

parks are neat

i really enjoy water. a river, a lake, mostly an ocean, but anything will suffice, i'm not too picky. so, when there's a nice park to go to in a landlocked state that has a river, i enjoy going there. i have recently been enjoying more time at cherokee park with friends. it's a very memorable time. also, there's this cool park in wausau named isle of ferns. it's an island that's absolutely gorgeous....everything about it is quaint, intimate, and wonderful. ok, so being sappy about parks isn't the coolest thing around, but i'm happy to be in nature. what more can i say....

thoughts for a lonely night

walking alone tonight
feeling a heavy weight, still shaking from that fight
your voice caresses my ear
but you didn't say what i needed to hear
are we ok?
i asked you that today
feeling my heart fade with the sun of the day
setting into the night of my soul
frosted with cold
and my frightened thoughts as i grow old
holding myself at night
wishing, hoping, praying that someday i'll make it right

torn between the truth and the lies
this frustration i darkly despise
while innocence hides in your eyes
i have loved you since forever and a day
and now you fear it's being taken away
but don't you see, don't you hear
i have inside me this same fear
it's causing my poor heart to break
it's true, "less of you is more than i can take"....

(quote thanks to further seems forever)

and a poem i didn't write....
I am everything you want
And nothing I'm not
My fears are violent
Yet you remain silent
You say you don't want to lie
And inside I die
Your silence says things you could never say
How can you take this all away?
So here I stand, head in my hands
Wondering what to say, what to do;
I love you.

breaking and entering (those dirty thieves)

a little b & e went on at my house last night. i come home and whoa, the side door and door to my house are wide open. i begin to breathe spastically, and i search the house. everything appears to be fine, until i notice three of my change jars, containing approximately 200 dollars, are gone. my laptop, sitting on the table, is still there. our blazer, with the keys in the ignition, is still sitting there. there's so much this person could have stolen, but didn't. which i am grateful for, except that my change was taken from me. i had been saving that since i was 15, but no matter. i am ok, the door suffered substantial damage, but other than that, all is well. quite the scare, though. no one would let me stay here at my house alone, seeing as my family is on vacation (yes, without me). my cat was a little spooked too, and rightfully so. it's not everyday strangers break into your house and steal your loose change.

time, time will tell

a lot can happen in a matter of two weeks, two days, two minutes. things can go from good to bad to worse and back again. but, it's ok. things may change, but all that happens is for the best. and i'm content. more content than i've been in a while. spending time by yourself can be a great learning experience. do it, you might learn a thing or two. or ten. it all depends on what you're searching for....

an open letter to god

not what you expected. yep, just like everyone else, with more than a fair share of imperfections. it's so natural to go against what is true. but the real question is....does it make you happy? in the big picture of life, are you benefiting from it or is it dragging you down? they say that you should dwell on "whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious, excellent, and worthy of praise." that is you. you are two times that. why shouldn't i think about you? oh, because you're not exactly what everyone expected. judgment is a harsh punishment. but you'll be fine.

what do You have to say about this? i only want to listen You. all these people are messing with my head, when the only truth i seek is You. ok, so i've messed up a few times. that's just me. and You know what i'm doing. maybe it's not exactly how You would have wanted it, but ya know what? i'm doing fine. more than fine. there are things i have to work on, but i'm working on it. if only my conscience would leave me alone. no exceptions, i know. so how do i get out of this mess than? i'd rather not. i don't see it as a mess, i see it as something wonderful. and i am not letting go. when it's time, i'll know, but for now, i'm here. and i'm not going away. You've helped me see that. i'm free, but i feel something weighing me down. can You help me out?

you know, of course there will be mistakes. but it's all part of something big. that is exactly what i am living for. "well done, good and faithful servant."

those late night get-togethers

it's funny when bible studies turn to social hours. which is fine with me. it's when the unexpected happens....the curly hair, the midnight rambles, a confession or two. "maybe i should just shut up." well, don't mind me, but i like to listen. i could listen to you speak of your past, your road trip, your idea of sexy. ha, that's sexy, for girls to take pictures holding cigars. hmm, ok. i can deal with that. or the way you said that when you're married, it's the little things that will be the greatest. i agree, completely. but what do i really find interesting in you? i'm not sure. and really, it's none of my business. i'll be content to play with your hair and just listen, never speaking, just listening. the moonlight, the crickets, the pond. it does ro-tic things to one at night.

msn profiles suck

i was attempting to put my favorites on my msn profile, and because it only allows 255 characters, i didn't have room. i decided to put them all here, i know you'll be interested. so enjoy.

*my favorite person: god
*my favorite friends: ashley, brandon, john, melissa, sam, wayland
*my favorite flower: not to cop out or anything, a rose
*my favorite kitties: simba, peppie, mabel, tippy white tip golden heart, and misty
*my favorite place: the ocean at sunrise
*my favorite band: further seems forever, at the moment
*my favorite artist: tom robbins, at the moment
*my favorite word: well, two of them. ithaca and passion
*my favorite fruit: raspberry
*my favorite ice cream flavor: ben and jerry's chocolate fudge brownie
*my favorite season: summer
*my favorite color: red, blue, a rainbow
*my favorite year in school: 3rd
*my favorite type of weather: right after the rain
*my favorite summer activity: cornerstone festival
more to come when i think of them

one month, baby

today (well, yesterday) marks one month 'til i'm in california. it'll be sunsets, road trips, and sleep. and no work! yay. see, the crazy thing is that my family has, last minute, planned a 10-day vacation to florida in two weeks. i love florida, and i love california, so it's only logical to go to both in one summer (ha). i think i'm just lucky to be able to be at the east and west coast in a matter of a month. so, here's to a wonderful summer that just keeps going wonderfully. does it get any better?

a talk of dreams

this morning, i awoke to realizing my dreams. there are two girls i have thought of recently, *alexa and *june. they are high school friends that i have fallen out of touch with, and yet, i wonder how they're doing, more often than they would think.

alexa was the coolest girl in 6th grade. and i was her friend. but i wasn't cool or popular by anyone's standards. i didn't care. through grade school and high school, we remained friends, not always close, but never fighting, either. she was that girl who i, by morals, may have been considered "better" than, but by my standards, we were equals. she smoke, she drank, she stayed out late to be with the boys, and yet she had an innocence about her, something i couldn't explain. i wrote her poetry, she loved me for it. one night, she told me we could get some gin and drink, just the two of us. i declined, but i wondered what she was doing asking a dumb girl like me to drink, how much fun could i possibly be? we talked through out high school, i always wondered just how well she was doing.

june was a girl i had always known through out high school, but had never gotten close to. when i had just broken up with my boyfriend, beginning of our senior year, she did someone no one else had done: showed me compassion and extended the hand of friendship. i would cry, she would bring me toilet paper. once, i cried on her knee, it left mascara, and it became a moment we would never forget. we were best friends for about a year and a half, inseparable, crazy, and fun. i was content for it to stay this way. middle of our senior year, she fell in love. two, maybe three months later, she was engaged to him. needless to say, people were skeptical and couldn't figure out why anyone in their right mind would get engaged in high school. i knew the guy, and i knew she could do better. i encouraged her to do just that. love, when had, is the most blinding thing a person can experience. she wouldn't hear me, and i was, um, replaced. but i, too, was at fault. i let it go. i didn't try to keep the friend i had been close to for a year and a half. towards the end our senior year, we were nearly strangers, and i couldn't be the crazy girl with her that i once had been.

i have been thinking about these two girls. they have helped make me who i am today, as strange as i may be. it is a year and two months since we graduated. alexa is living in a nearby town and just had a baby. june lives two and a half hours away, working very hard to pay for rent, i'm sure. i have found out little bits and pieces of their lives over the past year, some good, some bad. i just wonder if they ever think of me the way i have reminisced here. it's hard to rebuild that which has been burnt....i can only say that i hope they are happy with who they are and what they've done with their lives. i mean that in the sincerest manner possible. i won't forget them.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent.

what's in a name? and reminiscing

what's in a name? a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet....thanks shakespeare. anyway, my real reason for this is that i've been complimented on the name "circles in the sand" for the name as my blog. i like it, obviously, i chose it. to be honest though, it is the name of a scarcely known 80's song titled circles in the sand (imagine that). when i was five years old, that was my favorite song in the whole wide world. everytime it would air on the radio, i would become enraptured and i would want to dance to it. dancing, for me at age five, would equate dancing around in circles. so, i would make myself sick while listening to that song. ah, the fun of being five again....

you know, when you were five, no one complained when you would play with frogs and put them in jars. no one would yell at you for having a messy room. no one would care that you didn't have shoes on, or that you were running around the yard without purpose. just yesterday, while i was at work, i came across a little green frog like the ones my brother and i used to catch. my brother and i used to put frogs in jars, poke holes in the lid so it could breathe, and keep it as a pet for a day. we always set them free the next day. well, the frog i had just found at work seemed lost, and there was a pond nearby. i decided to let it go free, but when i was walking back, my father thought i had been lollygagging around. i told him i was helping a frog out, he said i needed to get back to work. ah, to be five again....no one yelled at you for playing with frogs.

minneapolis, mn

my family loves to take vacations, just the four of us. we tend to take short weekend ones, but they are never lacking in fun or good times. we spent this past weekend in minneapolis, catching up on some much needed-family time, movies, and shopping. it was good, always is. as retarded and dysfunctional as we can be, we have good times.

despite the silliness of the weekend, i have a song i'd like to put here that defines just how emo i really am. i'm really not gonna hide it, i like to listen to music that moves people, and when it moves them, it moves me. so, don't hate me for it, but i love it. i listened to this song today, just read on.

::caffeine and deadlines::--bellador
the west is calling to ride the blackened veins
into a beautiful sunset
a flaming mirage eight minutes delayed

the seasons change and they bring their demands in suitcases and boxes
i found myself uncertain
with nothing there to keep me driving
but the thought of you
and the song that you've put in my heart
when the morning comes....

those pedestals look an awful lot like gallows
but that's just me and in their words
you will lose yourself
intentions good but meaningless

happy birthday

hey, i gotta tell you something....it's wayland's 20th today. whoa, he's gettin' old (as joel would say). wish i was there. have a good one, dear.

it doesn't seem right

i wrote this on may 19, 2002, and i can't remember why. but tonight it seems appropriate. so i'll put it here.

i can feel the sky turn to shades of grey
like the sunshine of the day
and in every way
it doesn't seem right
the way we fight
the ringing in my ears at night
while the stars seem to shine tonight
it doesn't seem right

so funny the way this feels
how the scar never heals
how your eyes show up in all the wrong places
and i see you in so many different faces

too many times the critics and the stones
have a theory to propose
and do you suppose
that you could soften these words
cuz every time you attack
i can feel the love that turns your way
hiding away
and these arrows as they may
pierce the skin and painfully stay

it doesn't seem right

a band

so there's this really amazing band named further seems forever. i saw them live at cornerstone this year, but i've seen them before. they put on a great show and almost every kid there knows the words to all their songs. it's just awesome. i'll give you a few one liners off their first and second cds. enjoy.

::the moon is down::
*false pretence, a lack of resonance. a derisive sentiment and confidence. these bonds were always fake, crafted for safety's sake. but pasted wings and foil rings do not an angel make.
*and i know that you're never leaving until your flight takes you off and out of my arms and into the air. so far from your charms i cannot bear.
*you said there would not be any reason to fear this world, but you're the reason.
*give up what you have to say. formalities weaken the meaning that you'd convey. in truth hidden in veiled insults have failed results for everyone that lived that way.
*i'm waiting to give you whatever the world may bring. i'd give you my life cuz i don't own anything.
*just because you said what you wanted doesn't make it right. just because the moment was heated doesn't mean that i wanted to fight.
*and sometimes we don't say a thing for a long while. and the ships off shore hold stories that we'd make. and sometimes we are held at bay by these miles. but less of you is more than i can take.
*rain reveals the foundation, and this one's wearing thin and shifting in the sand.
*this is where the water becomes shallow. and nothing here is quite as deep as you hoped it would be.

::how to start a fire::
*let's set this city ablaze we'll burn down the monuments and build mountains in our place. this is the last time we will ever bleed to feel alive.
*the sound now turns to silence but i'll keep spinning around naked in the rain of my own tears as they fall into the bucket of your apologies.
*with starving appetites for arguments, you remind me of a secret i was never supposed to tell.
*i am rejection i am redemption i am desire for obligation.
*you'd trade our starving eyes for a tar and feathered heart, a 25 cent execution. a breath of frigid self-made winter.
*but there you come with a smile that'd send any man to his knees.
*call me a mockingbird and it's done.

the past

you know, it's good to go through all your old stuff sometimes. today, i was cleaning out drawers of papers, memories, and letters that i haven't touched since i was in 9th grade. oh yeah, it was crazy, all the memories that came back to me. past boyfriends, homework assignments, silly girly letters, pictures, even a no-cook cookbook that i've had since i was in 3rd grade. good times, good times.

some of those memories made me smile, some made me think really hard about the things i've gone through. it's been rough. i think we can all attest to that. it's kinda hard looking back at all those memories and wondering "what the heck was i thinking?!" ah, well. i've learned a lot, that much is true. and i'm determined to make things right the first time around (hopefully).

friends with boyfriends

i'm just gonna vent a little bit, i guess i can't say i'm a saint with this either....hope i don't offend anyone. also, names are changed or shortened, depending on the post you read.

my best friend m has a boyfriend. she's gorgeous, she's sweet, she's a volleyball player for uw-milwaukee, and i love her to death. at the beginning of april, she started dating a guy on the basketball team named m. he's attractive, really easygoing, and just as athletic as her. the thing is, he lives in milwaukee, which is a 3 1/2 hour drive from where i live. so, truth be told, i haven't seen much of her this summer. she's always with him, or he's with her. mostly, she's in milwaukee. and i'm not talking days, i'm talking weeks. ah, the infatuation of first "love"....i miss my friend. she's really happy with him, and i've met him and he is a wonderful guy. if they're happy, i'm all for it. i just wish i could have my friend around a little more....

she goes back to milwaukee to start volleyball practice the start of august. i go back to lawrence end of september. i guess i could be angry and dumb and selfish about it, saying she should be here and i won't get to see much of her when she's at school, but you know what. i'm not going to be selfish. i'm happy for her, and this guy she's met. i hope he's worth all the time they spend together, and when she calls me up to tell me how she's doing, i'll be glad to talk to her and reclaim the friendship. i still love her just the same. it's just that, well, "ain't no sunshine when she's gone, and she's always gone too long anytime she goes away."

the future

i'm thinking about it. today i talked to my dad about it, so it's in my mind. what i mean by future is what i'm going to do with the profession i have chosen, psychology, and whether i stay at the college i'm at all four years or if i transfer. at this moment, my plan of action is to stay at lawrence all four years, but at the end of those years, go to bethel in mn for two more years to finalize my plans to be a psychologist. a marriage and family psychologist. ok, so everyone is going into that field, but i'm sure this is what i'm meant to do. i've always been approached by my friends for advice, and i would love to do it for the rest of my life.

also, a note on the future of this blog: i plan on typing what i'm feeling here at the time. i might be sappy and then frustrated, ecstatic then sad. if you can't take it, don't read it. if you enjoy it, read on....

here's the kickoff

ok, so i'll start this blog off right. i think relient k said it best.... here's the kickoff. hope you're not sick of relient k and all the songs we play cuz then you'll want to throw all our cd's away.

gotta love it.

reconsideration, i guess

i was informed by the guy of the away message that it is a line in one of snoop dogg's songs, and it's meant to be political. hmm. i'll let you ponder that one for a while.

objectification of women and me

ok, i can see you guys already rolling your eyes, but hey. let me just say a few words on this. i was slightly piqued when i saw this guy friend's away message: Stand up and be counted or lay down and be mounted. ok now ladies, seriously, does this sound like anything you would ever want to hear? no, i didn't think so. i was just at this awesome music festival in bushnell, il called cornerstone. i went to listen to a speaker give her view on this, and it was in no way feminist or ridiculous, just honest and forthright. she said that women deserve so much more than to be objectified and called "hot." it takes a real man to get to know a woman than to just want to get in her pants. the more she commented, the more sense it made. we are not just some thing to make babies with, we are humans with feelings that are just as important as any man's. so i'm done talking about that, it makes me kind of angry anyway.

hmm, about me. well, it's summer. all i need is an ocean and a few friends, and i'm all set. unfortunately, being in a state that is landlocked, it's a little difficult. oh well. all right, that's enough, i want to see if this worked. hope it does.