the hill of our home

last book i've read: my journals

currently caressing my ears: Psapp's album The Only Thing I Ever Wanted

general mood: quixotic, mournful

quote: Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest,

Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers,
Love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest,
And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers! --William S. Gilbert

My biggest thorn for today is I wish my brother was doing much better in North Carolina and that the drama in his life would desist. My heart breaks for him and his situation. He needs to learn to take better care of himself before he can ever take care of others, but that encumbering responsibility is quickly creeping up on him. I wish I could take him in my arms and protect him, but of course that's not what he needs. Nonetheless, I love and support him, no matter what.

Issues at work have also surfaced this fine day. Without breaking confidentiality, I will note that one of the guardians of one of the women I work with is bearing down harder than she ever has before, to the point where our program manager has mentioned she's burned out and thinking of leaving the program for a different one in LSS. Should this happen, I will be very reluctant to stay on at my current program. I feel the program will close soon, as nearly all the staff have made mention of leaving the program in the near future for their own personal reasons, and I will not be left "for the dogs." I think the program is going under, and I'm not sticking around for it. But it means I have to look for another program to transfer to, or I have to find another job. Neither is particularly attractive at this point, but I will do what I must.

On the love side of things, I'm not alone, and probably never will be. I love too much. So it's not aloneness, maybe just loneliness that hits me this moment. Andy is out of town on tour, has been for nearly the last 3 weeks. Wayland is a state away, where he always is, and I still miss him terribly. I don't know when this situation will truly resolve itself as my ex becomes more and more the one I know I could and want to spend the rest of my life with. Heavy statements, but so exceptionally raw.

But that is hardly near fruition, and my endearments will continue to be veiled and humble compared to the wild hope I embrace. And you thought our role reversals confused you....

Me too. But always there will be love.

I think this is the saddest Valentine's day I've ever had.