Sweet Surrender

last book i've read: The Pilot's Handbook of Aeronautical Knowledge, by the FAA
music currently caressing my ears: Feist, Fiona Apple, and playlist randomness - Atmosphere, Bloc Party, Dispatch, Counting Crows, Bill Withers, Zero 7, Lyrics Born, Heart, Radiohead, KT Tunstall, the list goes on
general mood: delighted, pensive, glowing in the joy of giving and receiving love
quote: "Our true identity is to love without fear and insecurity. Our higher potential finds us when we set our course in that direction. The power of love and compassion transforms insecurity." - Doc Childre

I'm learning what true love translates to and the extent of its ability to heal and smooth over the rough parts. I'm healing my loss, finding solace in myself, and discovering there is more to life than fear and such loss. That love can be found in the most unlikely of places, and it may be the sweetest, life-altering kind I have in my midst. I can't believe I've come to this place. But I could never go back. Not with what I know now. I'm surrounded by the warmth I've been searching for for so long.

I've started something beautiful with the bass player from Oshkosh, who also graduated from LU. I'm learning to love myself, and through him, learning what it means to love others and really take care of them. Andy shows me what love can do for you and me and this cold world. Once you get past the dream of "reality," it all fades, and what you're left with is the rawest, most genuine existence one could hope for. And his love for me is unfalteringly compassionate. And passionate as well! The sweetest I've encountered, ever. I'm exploring the world with what he's taught me and enjoying the scene. Not to mention I get to hear some pretty amazing jazz on a regular basis. And get treated for the slightest problem, and have it disappear. And fall asleep in the arms of someone so wonderful, and wake up with those arms still around me.

I'm also learning something dark about myself though. I have lost something I may never get back. Presently, I guard myself carefully; it's sad that I can't fully relax 100% of the time with those I love. I'm learning how to relax, but separating from Wayland meant I parted with some small part of blind trust I used to have in love, the way it feels, and my freedom to sing and dance and not care who's watching while in love. There are times I get wrapped up in myself and don't let Andy in. I can tell he gets confused or frustrated by it. And I hate myself for being foolishly guarded with him. I hate the drama I create. As long as he continues not to take it personally, we'll be just fine. But I will work on ridding myself of this burden of protection. It's just not necessary.

We all have our baggage. I've decided enough is enough with mine. I've been dropping it off bit by bit since meeting Andy; it only gets better from here.