I wish I understood why I don't like you right now. I wish I knew what dark fear I hold, what way to diminish the tired and agitated thoughts coursing through my mind, which way to go despite my loneliness. Where am I going, when will I get there, does it even really matter? Considering this is all a dream. When do I get to hold the tangible, contain the firefly, and require only that light for every moment I feel weak? I need to grow up, I need to eat better, I need to work out, I need I need I need. Who knows what I need, besides a warm bubble bath and just one savory piece of dark chocolate? I'm thirsting for something more. More than this lonely room. More than this hole where love used to live.
I miss something familiar. I miss questions of "are you okay," similar beliefs, brown eyes, wild hair, the dance I knew so well, the ease of touch, the warmth and scent of our nakedness, the soul I held dear as my own. I miss you.
But you're far, far away, the furthest you've been from me. And we chose this, and it's the best it can be. Why did I fall for the lie of forever, the security of always, the illusion of encircling arms?
My sweatshirt smells great. Maybe I'll just smell the night away.
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