you put the wild in wilderness

last book i've read: The Pilot's Handbook of Aeronautical Knowledge, by the FAA
music currently caressing my ears: delicious randomness
general mood: weird
quote: "Perhaps the most important thing we can undertake toward the reduction of fear is to make it easier for people to accept themselves, to like themselves." --Bonaro W. Overstreet

It's all coming together. I have finally come to terms to what it means for my nearly-five year relationship to end, and to begin anew without him by my side and with someone else, someone who inspires greatness in me. And yet I am fearful. I hate it, but I harbor reserved feelings about myself, and thus about letting go. I don't trust myself. How can I trust others? I wish I could just let go.

I realize many things I didn't see before, because despite hurt feelings, I didn't let myself see the selfish, ugly parts. I also realize now that I did love deeply, I trusted, I smothered. Ugh, why is my brand of love taken on with such a sigh? He didn't really love me as much as I loved him. Funny thing to realize. And now I'm at a point where I'm okay with that. It's a weird, but reassuring place to be. At least I've let go of that. Of him, the past.

I still love more deeply than I should. I feel more deeply than I should. I think harder than I should. I overanalyze things a lot, but it's more in an effort to understand people and situations, not to take things personally.... at least I try not to. But then again, I find life hard to understand as a whole. There are a few things in life that make sense: embracing others, intending particular good things to happen when making love, eating right, and living to serve. I just wish I could understand the universe and why it seems to pull me down, down, down....

One last thing.

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars...." --Jack Kerouac