My Wild Heart, Put In Its Place

last book i've read: Making the Body Beautiful: A Cultural History of Aesthetic Surgery
music currently caressing my ears: The Shins
general mood: floating
quote i just thought of: "You can't separate peace from freedom because no one can be at peace unless he has freedom." --Malcolm X

I have a wild, open, fantastying heart that I admit is somewhat out of place at the moment. Currently all my boyfriends are at odds with one another, and one isn't even aware he's my boyfriend.... so I guess that leaves us all feeling alone.

I have not only talked to my crush, but have hung out with him on multiple occasions. The fantasy continues to grow in my mind, and the crush also spills forth in our conversations. Uh oh, what do I do when the shit hits the fan? And yet he doesn't budge, isn't jealous. I'll never understand that one, other than extreme confidence in his affections for me, and mine for him. But I feel myself waving like a flag in the wind.... not sure which way it's blowing now. Will my heart survive all this emotion?

And then the shit hit the fan....

Her green plastic watering can
For her fake chinese rubber plant
In fake plastic earth.
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plants
Just to get rid of itself.
And it wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out.

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns.
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins.
And it wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out.

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love.
But I can’t help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out.

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted,
All the time, all the time.
--radiohead, fake plastic trees

i can't help feeling like i'm so fake, so unaware, avoiding the pain i caused you. thinking i could have it all, but i can't, life doesn't work that way. how selfish of me. and i want to stop hurting you.

i am very much alone. it wears me out....