Wisdom Through Failure (Deliver Me)

last book I've read: Nickel and Dimed: About (Not) Getting By In America, by Barbara Ehrenreich
current tunes: Red Hot Chili Peppers and Brand New
current mood: contemplative
quote I just thought of: Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure. --William Saroyan

I wish I wasn't as emotionally sensitive as I am. During certain times in my life, I am more easily distressed by careless comments made by friends, by strangers, by anyone. I am more than tired of it. It has always plagued me; I never get a break from the sensitivity. I take things personally, I notice hurtful side comments, I notice when someone looks at me the wrong way. And I wish I could make it stop. But alas, it seems I have little control over my own feelings, and thus pay dearly in lost sleep, deep sad thoughts, and passive-aggressive retaliation. Which never satisfies me anyway.

In high school, I met a boy that was like me. His name was Philip, and we had dated briefly our freshman year, and remained friends throughout high school. After we had dated, and as we were becoming better friends, he admitted he was emotionally sensitive too, that girls he dated ended up meaning more to him than he had meant to them, that he too felt strongly about certain things in life, and took things personally, and so on. I had never experienced that before, someone who truly understood what it was like to be a walking open wound. We both admitted we were easily scarred, and compared stories. I don't encounter this type of person frequently, but there are moments when I see friends exhibit such characteristics; however, never to such a degree as Philip and I experienced. And something else he said that day that will forever haunt me, about how he wished he wasn't that way. "Oh, but we need more guys like you! Guys with feelings are hard to find." I retorted. He didn't see it that way. He realized the ease with which he and I were tormented by the various experiences in life, and the way they persisted. From then on, I've silently wished for the same. Of course, relief hasn't come in the form I wish it would, but life goes on. Although difficult at times, somehow life goes on.

Just writing this makes me feel empty, brings tears to my eyes. The thought of not feeling certain things, but then wishing I didn't feel them at all.... the comfort I could sustain! I would be delivered from over-taxation of the amygdala and hypothalamus, and finally rest without hesitation or a second thought. That is what I haven't had in my life since I've rejected Christianity (or should I say since Christianity rejected me): peace. But somehow, becoming emotionless doesn't seem to be the solution to my problems. But sensitivity isn't benefitting me either. Is there no happy medium? I will never know.

I wish I could say "I'm over it" and really mean it. But the damn bundle of nerves that I am never ceases to sensate, and I will continue to rue the day I became self-perceptive.