Procrastinating

last book i've read: Manifesta: Young Women, Feminists and the Future, by Jennifer Baumgardner and Amy Richards
music currently caressing my ears: Radiohead's Kid A
general mood: lethargic, indifferent
quote i just thought of: "I felt that we were passive-aggressive, insecure, and, to paraphrase Flo Kennedy, a bit too eager to eat shit and call it chocolate. We were martyrs. We were unliberated." --Jennifer Baumgardner on her experience being an editor for the fem zine Ms.

Post-mexico, I am still desiring the open road, the beach and sun, the lovely penthouse view, the friends I've made, and freedom of being there. To listen to the CD Roxana made, to see the pictures from that week, I feel nostalgic and even a little sad. It's a weird feeling to dwell on the things that should make you happy and feel like there's something missing, a black hole of sorts.

I tried aerobics for the first time today, and man did I feel like an idiot. Plus there was a mirror, so it makes one feel even more self-aware of mistakes and other peoples' stares and whatnot. But really, I know it's not just me, that all first-timers feel dumb, but I hate the feeling of being so stupid and incompetent. There's something about that fact that it will take me time to do well, and that my performance is able to be watched and "judged," thank god I won't be graded! I enjoyed working out, but I'm wondering when I'll finally catch on....

I'm really putting off this paper I should be writing right now. And I just tried to call some of my friends, but no one was home. My evil plan has been spoiled again! Oh well, I guess I can start writing.... what have I got to worry about anyway.... I'm sure it will be fine.

Besides all this, I'm loving where I'm at and how things are thus far. I'm continually growing closer to Ilinca and even a few guys from the phi tau house. Not to get all sappy, but it feels so good to be appreciated and not simply sitting on the sidelines, but actively enjoying my friendships. Despite putting myself out there in the past and being rejected, I've finally found solace and a little bit of peace. It feels great. And on that note....