Strength In Being Alone, and Discussion Anxiety

last book i've read: Blue Like Jazz by someone
music currently caressing my ears: NIN, RJD2, 30 Seconds To Mars, Saosin, Explosions In The Sky
general mood: anxious, contemplative, determined, in love, melancholy, weird
quote: “If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.” --Winnie the Pooh

It's Lawrence's spring break, and I am still in Appleton working hard. It's interesting to be here alone. When I was recently in Massachusetts, and more specifically in Walpole, New Hampshire staying with Wayland's good friends the Montgomery's, Stephanie mentioned something that struck a chord with me. She talked about being independent, about traveling and eating dinner and watching movies all alone. She hinted at how liberating such experiences can be, and I have no doubt they are. I just realized that I am a very dependent person. I depend on others to keep me company, and I love people so much that being alone is a melancholic thought for me. So I thought perhaps by Stephanie's description, I was weak soul. Maybe I am, but I've learned something about myself this past week while being alone in the apartment. I've learned that I am stronger than I think. There is solace in being alone, much more than I realized. I had dinner this week alone, something I have always dreaded while a college student, and I've come to realize it's not quite as bad as I made it out to be. A good book will keep you company, and stares, questions of why, and other horrible things did not happen. I underestimated my ability to successfully be alone, and like it.

Underestimation has been my enemy as of late, and it's time to throw off old doubts, and put on new reassurances and experiences, label and keep memories alive, and stop the cycle of doubts that hinder far more than help.

Also, my significant other and I want to move in together this fall. He is accepted at UMich-Ann Arbor graduate law school, and I want to get a job and stave off graduate school for a little while. Ann Arbor is an excellent place to start, and according to one of my LU professors, offers much for the anthropology major. I hope it's as full of promise as it seems.

But there are huge obstacles before moving in together becomes a reality. The biggest being both our fathers. My dad is a mild Christian, but lives his life as righteously as he knows how, and even if it's not that deep, it's honest. He is a good man, but he has his hang-ups, and I know living together will be an issue he will resist. My mother is much more understanding, but I think she too has her reservations and concerns for the living situation I desire. My dad will most likely wonder about sleeping arrangements, and I am not sure how to work that one out yet. I want to compromise and say we'll sleep in separate beds, but is that honest, and does he even want honesty about this? It can turn awkward very fast. But, my greatest concern is retaining their love and support. I need that in my life, and if I don't have it, I will be a sorry soul indeed. As for the rest of my family, who already looks down at me for not believing in God, this may just fit in with who I've become. I know no one will particularly like it, but do I really want to live my life for others, or do what I know will bring me the most happiness? Maybe I'm as self-centered as they think. I just do not know what will happen tomorrow until it happens. I can only hope for the best.

I know who and what I love, I know what I want in life, and I can only hope that my parents will agree and support it all. If not, my heart will sink to the lowest it's been. Let's hope for the best.