social ideals are crap

last book i've read: more than a friend by elizabeth winfrey (one of dea's teen romance books)
music currently caressing my ears: none
general mood: contemplative
quote i just thought of: Keith-'You can't judge a book by its cover.' Watts-'Yeah, but you can tell how much it's going to cost.' Keith-'That's deep.' --Some Kind of Wonderful, 1987

why does one need to do what's expected of him or her, and if one fails to meet the standards, why is one shunned, mistreated, or otherwise considered socially deviant? i'm sick of standards and being expected to meet them with little regard of what i think. sure i'm not always right, but at least i have an idea of who i am, and i care about things in this life, not just piss on them. so, why these stupid feelings that i'm wrong? well, society tells women to be pretty, thin, outgoing, and to fit in as much as possible, or suffer consequences, and i certainly don't agree with the majority of these ideals brought on by the media and various other avenues of supposed authority on how women should appear.

i've been told my whole life to live up to Christian values, and when i begin questioning, i am considered in the wrong. it's not something i can be told, it's something i must find out for myself. we each have a network of people telling us to do things a certain way, and that all else outside that way is deviant, wrong, or too extreme. we all bear the burden of social pressures and ways to behave, social rules to live by. some have the guts to go outside them, but even then, they're molding themselves after some model that existed before them. so tell me then, what is Truth?

that's the question i have been trying to answer through psychology, philosophy, anthropology, evolution, Christianity, and a number of other ideas. and nothing fits. there's always some small way to defy each one, each one paints a picture of incompleteness. do each carry their own Truth, or am i just asking the wrong question? i feel as though i'll never get the whole truth. i'll always be spoon-fed someone's values or ideals, and i'll never know for myself what is real or sincere. that's why i'm searching, and God if you can hear me, help me discover what i need to to find that Truth.

if you have any ideas, email me at soylaluz@hotmail.com. i could use a kindred spirit with a mind of their own who doesn't offer answers, but an idea, and nothing more.