almost the end

last book i've read: a compilation of edgar allan poe's works
band currently caressing my ears: none, i'm at the library.... sweet silence
general mood: mixed
quote i just thought of: "delorted!" --coach z.

yes, second to last night here at lawrence, and where am i? working three of twenty hours at the 'brary. it's good to get paid for doing nothing, but it's sad that it will be done soon: the stress, the brain farts, the good times. well, i'm actually also thrilled to be going home soon and have another year finished, and a great summer to look forward to. so, i can't stay sad for long. this is a much needed break.

i'm not sure about cornerstone this year. sam still has not told me whether she's going or not, so i'm losing hope on that. if we don't go, then california will fill that spot. and things couldn't be better than when i'm with my bestest buddy ever. more of that gorgeous sunshine, maybe for the last time. well, at least the last time with his family. well, the last time with his mom and sister. gotta go while i still can!

i think this year i have grown a lot more sensitive to the negative things that people say and do to hurt myself and others. instead of hardening myself to it, i feel more naive. maybe it's because i realized how fake some friends can be, what depression really feels like, how much it hurts to not do as well as i had hoped. the pain of rejection, of hurtful side comments, of being lonely, even if not alone. but i continue to fight and try, i don't give up easily. unless it's clearly a losing battle.... i know i'm not perfect, i feel as though i mess up constantly. i just need a gentle kick in the pants once in a while.... gentle! please.... i've had enough.

such is life. i still find i am surrounded by love, and that is all i really need - a handful of honest people and a few good times. this world has little to offer, and i really couldn't live without the good things i have.