it never ends

last book i've read: a couple, The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold and Emotion: The Science of Sentiment by Dylan Evans
music currently caressing my ears: Garden State OST
general mood: infuriated, exhausted, melancholy, listless, a bundle of wrecked nerves
quote i just thought of: "Spend all your time waiting for that second chance, for a break that would make it okay. There's only one reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard at the end of the day." --Sarah McLachlan

Feels like I'm always at the end of the proverbial rope. I do my best, I give it everything, and it's never good enough, not for here, not for them, not ever. I haven't gotten any returns on the work I give.... I will continually work hard just to get by, to barely get by. But don't feel sorry for me - we are what we are, right? I wasn't meant to be the fittest, I am far from it. If only there was something I was good at. Something consistent, something that wasn't painful, something I could claim as good. Good enough for me, at least. I just seem to fall short. Never good enough....

If I could still believe in God, I would say that at least He accepts me, but I don't really know if he does. Oh sure, I know what I've been told, but I don't know. Not sure of Him anymore. That came with the package, I guess.

It's like this: I don't find political cartoons funny, I can't differentiate between an independent variable and a dependent variable unless I go over it many many times, I am not a competitive person, I can't ever get decent grades, the most important thing in my life is my relationships, and that doesn't count for jack s*** in real life. People don't care about how nice you are, they want to see how smart you are. They want to see you do math in your head, count your trophies, find out your IQ and then rape your brain for all it's worth. My emotions, on the other hand, are the only things I have left, in shreds no less. It's nights like this when I really wish I could just cease to exist. At least being in a dark hole, I wouldn't have to live up to an impossible standard. And yet somehow..... somehow I manage to continue to pick myself up and fail all over again. It sucks so much. And I'll say it again, I'm so tired. Of it all. If only I could do something worthwhile. If only I felt worthwhile.